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of her recovery

(recorded in California June 2011)

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Melody talks about her book, Making Miracles in Forty Days on WEBE Radio. In this interview, she guides listeners step by step in harnessing the power that we forgot we had to find out where we want to go in life, and how to get there. How to remain grateful and where our unchecked codependency traits can still show their ugly heads and take us back to that negative way of thinking many of us spent years in and more years working out of. The real key is disciplining our thinking and remaining grateful for everything, all the time, and that is no small task. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/webe/2012/04/24/melody-beattie--author

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PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH?

Last week I asked someone to help me do something.  While that might not sound like a big deal, it is.  Sometimes I call “flipping the coin” and being the exact opposite of codependent “recovery.”  I replace annoying neediness with fierce independence:  I can do it myself; don’t need any help; not going to be vulnerable to anyone.

That’s not recovery.  It is, as I just wrote, flipping to the other side of the codependent side of the codependent coin.

When I can step out of my reactions to my past, step beyond my fear and truly do something different?  That’s recovery. Not baby steps but big steps in my life.

It’s those moments when I remember to do different that make such a difference and I’ll tell you why if you can hang in here with me. The situation was complex and felt overwhelming.  I’m in California, stuck with a condo in Minnesota that I owe more on than it’s currently worth.  To sell it would mean sitting down at a closing and writing out a $50,000 check to pay off the mortgage.  Not for me.

About a year ago, I took the condo off the market.  Waiting and I didn’t know for what.  I know from the past that it takes time for the housing market to recycle.  Recently I decided to rent out the condo.  I resisted the idea at first because:  I’m half-way across the country from the property, unable to handle the calls in the middle of night about the garbage disposal not working or the toilet running.

But studying some online sites, I found a realtor who also takes care of renting out properties and he has a property manager that takes care of garbage disposals and toilets that don’t work in the middle of the night.

But my Minnesota condo was fully furnished. I was in a quandary (whatever a quandary looks like) about what to do with the furniture.  My California condo is furnished with furniture I like.  I have a small mobile vacation home in the desert but I bought that fully furnished with furniture I like. I decided to rent the Minnesota condo furnished.  According to all the statistics, someone would get divorced and need a new place to live and furniture too.

No such luck.  Everyone who looked at the condo wanted me to take out my furniture because he or she or they had their own. But even that wasn’t a problem because nobody stepped up to the plate with an offer – until recently.  A month before I’m scheduled to go to the desert and right when I’m scheduled for an important surgery and also right when the writing I’ve been struggling with finally begins to fall into place.  Not only did I write six words on the page, I know the order in which they should go.  Progress.  Right?

I talked to a friend and we came up with a plan. We’d drive together from California to Minnesota, rent a U-Haul, donate whatever furniture I didn’t want (carrying it down three flights of stairs first), load the rest in the U-Haul and find someone to uninstall the electronics and do what with them?  Didn’t know.  It would only take … counting, counting …. two or three weeks?  And cost, hmm.  thousands of dollars?  My friend had to work.  He could take some time off.  It felt messy, complicated and most of all – wrong.

I had to do something and do it now.  But, what? The words I had to say are the hardest for me to speak: I didn’t know.

This is where the title of this blog enters the picture.  I feel comfortable when I know the answer and hate it when I don’t about what to do to solve a problem.  The gap between knowing and not knowing is radical faith – faith that what I need will be provided even if I don’t see those provisions yet and even if I don’t know what the solution is.

I made one of the better decisions I’ve made for some time.  I decided to let go and do nothing, despite the realtor pressuring me and others wanting to know what I intended to do and when I would do it.  All I could say was the truth: I don’t know.

I made a clear decision not to do anything until what I decided to do felt right.

Huge.  Cataclysmically enormous for me, putting off a decision until some solution I couldn’t see fell into place meant taking a deep breath and Living in the Mystery.  That’s what the title of this blog means and what I did was practice what I preach.

I let go.

A few days later, I thought of a friend I knew in Minnesota.  Shipping was her thing.  She had been a trained professional.  She ran a shipping store the entire time her children were growing up – a family business.  Plus I knew she had moved frequently over the past years, since her children left home.  I also knew she got a good deal on moving vans.

I took a deep breath, looked through my email addresses and found hers.  I reached out and asked her for help.

She said yes, she would be glad to assist me.

In a matter of hours I saw what had been an insolvable problem began to get solved.  Each piece – from uninstalling the electronics, to selling them on E-Bay and what to charge, to shipping my furniture out to where I am without an exorbitant charge – fell into place. Like magic.  Like a miracle.  Like an unspoken but felt prayer answered perfectly.  Blind or radical faith was the prayer.  The answer?  Getting the problem perfectly solved.

The moving van will be scheduled at an entirely reasonable price by the end of this week.  I’ll make enough money by her daughter selling the electronics (after paying her a commission) to pay for the moving van (this according to people who know what they’re talking about and triple-checked).

I don’t have to take two to three weeks out of my schedule to run around master-minding this when I can’t carry more than five pounds down three flights of steps.  My friend here won’t need to take off from work.

By letting go and doing nothing until what I did felt right, I found the perfect solution – even when that meant living with no solution at all for a while.

Sometimes living in the mystery hurts.  It means living with painful losses that I can’t explain and my Higher Power won’t. On other occasions, trusting what I don’t know yet feels good. This is one of those times.

Just a short reminder of something you probably already know but that’s easy to forget when we get stressed – a Holiday greeting of sorts. Keep breathing your way through the Season.  If what you’re doing doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to do nothing until what you do feels good to you. The answer will come; I know it will – the answer that’s perfect for you.

From the desk of Melody Beattie

34 Responses to PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH?

  • Liz says:

    Thanks Melody This blog was just what I needed to hear – it’s okay to do nothing, it’s okay to wait and ponder, it’s okay to let go and not control the outcome. Sometimes the right thing comes along at the right time and there is nothing we could have done to speed up the process. Funny thing happened – I tried to get out of a certain situation. I manipulated things, thought I was really clever, guess what becuase of my controlling ways I ended up with what i didn’t want. In fact if I had just let go and did nothing – I may have gotten out of that job. Strangely though I think this is exactly was what supposed to happen. I am meant to have this certain job that i dodn’t really want and it is all happening perfectly. But I can’t help see the funny side. A bit like a boomerang – I tried to throw it away and it came right back into my lap. Cheers Liz

    • Melody Beattie says:

      Hi Liz. Like I said above, I’m sorry I disappeared from site but a surgery that was supposed to be “nothing” got botched and I was down for the count, long and hard. I don’t know it necessarily became “botched” but instead of being a one-day event, because the surgeon was fresh out of medical school, it was much harder on me than it should have been. Anyway, I say yes to your post — same here. Whenever I think I’m being particularly clever by maneuvering, life tags me (usually in ways I don’t like). With this surgery, I had a bad feeling about it. I should have listened and gone to another surgeon. I didn’t. But the good news is, it is these lessons that stick with me and teach me new behaviors the best way. The lesson lasts; I integrate it better. Sometimes I think that these smaller lessons are meant to help us avoid larger disasters in the future. Best, Melody Oh, btw, it’s good to hear from you again. And thanks so much, as always, for taking the time to post.

      • Liz says:

        Hi Melody, Good to read your many replies. Really sorry about the surgery and it being so hard on you. Hope you are starting to bounce back. I agree when we learn the smaller lessons we are releasing the need for larger and harder ones. I also just read about how messy situations can be so valuable. While it’s great going through the good times it does seem to be the sad or bad times that plant the seeds for the next harvest. Also if things stay ggod all the time how boring – I need a few shades of colour in my life. All the best and get well soon. Liz

  • Lisa says:

    Melody, Thank you for your blogs! They are so encouraging to read. I am in a extremely difficult situation myself–where I am tempted to DO something, ANYthing, to make something happen. You see, I chose to marry my current partner despite her making it very clear that her job would always be number 1 in her life. Her job entails moving from one foreign country to another every 2-4 years. For me, someone who values stability, family (who live in the U.S.), and–well–comfort, choosing to walk down the aisle and say “I do” to someone like that was scary as hell. But I loved her very much and, if it’s possible, love her even more than that day–a year and a half ago. And she would reassure me that, if I had difficulties adjusting to overseas life, we would “work it out”. I think my expectation of “working it out” was “moving back to the States.” Well, needless to say, I’ve lived in a foreign country for a year and am very homesick/depressed. I’ve pleaded, cried with, got angry with, manipulated, my wife over the past months, hoping she would quit for my sake. Turns out, she loves her job and moving and foreign life and novelty and would like to keep this job for the next 20-25 years. I am at a loss of what to do…depressed over the thought of me leaving to live in the U.S. without her but sick of feeling like a martyr for her–following her and her job. I know I need to take care of me; I also know I made a committment to stay by my wife’s side. I know asking her to give up her dreams for me is just the same as what she asked of me a year and a half ago–unfair. I want to surrender and to be at peace. And I feel compelled to DO something to get that peace. Maybe I just need to let go? …

    • Melody says:

      Hi Lisa. Sometimes the “system” here mucks up, and when I try to answer the post that arrives in my inbox, I click on the link and can’t locate where it is. Anyway, some thoughts — you’re talking about a huge decision. Don’t wait so long you go numb, but also don’t be rash. Wait. Wait until what you do feels peaceful, clear and right. There may be more than go and stay as options, too. I don’t know what that would be — but another choice just might exist for you. There are times when compromise is good and other times we compromise and end up selling our soul. Some people are, by nature, mutable. They adapt easily to change; they thrive on it — they need it (I’m one of those). Other people are more “fixd” — it is their inherent nature. They thrive on routine, on tradition, on things not necessarily remaining “in statis” but certainly not by bopping all over the world calling this place and that “home.” But, as an old friend of mine used to say, if both people were the same, only one would be necessary. I don’t know what the right move is for you. Only you can know that, and I mean “know” — know deeply in your heart. May you find peace as you wait for guidance to come, which it surely will. Best, Melody

  • Karin says:

    Melody, I woke up early this morning with a lot of emotions churning inside me. I got out of bed to process my emotions regarding a difficult situation in my life and I read this blog again. As in times past, what you wrote is very helpful for me right now. I’m trying to find a solution to a ‘problem’ and my brain and emotions feel totally scrambled. I know I need to let go until I get clarity. I’ve been struggling to figure it out and I just keep feeling more confused, tired and discouraged….clear signs that I need to get off the crazy cycle. It’s so hard when I want the answer NOW (and so do some other people in my life.) Thank you for being honest about how you still struggle to walk that fine line between codependence and fierce independence. As I wait for clarity, I will remember your words and the importance of waiting for the perfect answer to unfold in its perfect time. Peace and love, Karin

  • Denise says:

    Hi Melody, These words are so timely for me. I am in a waiting mode with my job right now. A lot hinges on what does or doesn’t happen in this circumstance. If I get re-hired I can pay the bills and keep trucking as I have been. If I don’t, I will be able to apply for unemployment, thankfully, but it will be no where near what I need to continue living where and how I am now. I am repeating myself but I had written in my journal I felt both the unhappiness in doing the job I am enough to no longer want to be doing it, I call it the tipping point of 49/51/ and felt that nudge that caused me ask God what else or what next? The next morning my supervisor called to tell me my job, co-managing job share, was going to be phased out by 12/31/2012. I felt the weirdest sense of scared angry happy excited at the same time. I felt like God said; Here’s the exit door so you can find the what next. So want to say Thanks Again, for the wise and timely words. Living with out a solution yet until the perfect or right one for me shows up isn’t comfortable. I am doing the footwork I can. Feel like my hands are tied, but they aren’t I have choices. If I quit I wont’ get unemployment but waiting for what feels like the other shoe to drop, if I ‘m not rehired feels insane. I have looked at those jobs available and feel like I would rather cut off my arm than do any of them. Tired of management positions. Feel like the only person I want to manage is me. Asked my sons friend who owns a bar and dinner place if he had any janitorial openings. He told me he would never allow me to do this kind of work. I said all work is honorable, I would rather do this than getting hammered by 60 people’s personality’s. Give me the windex, mop and toilet brush and you won’t be disappointed!! Anyway it’s about waiting to make the best decision. Getting into the solution, and asking for help. I feel like I ‘m in new territory, the land between fierce independence and codependence. Asking, waiting, making myself aware of options, instead of going to either extreme. It’s the same old quandary…… I want to see the blue print for the rest of my life so I can get the ducks in a row!!! Oh well… more shall be revealed, and when, is part of the mystery too. Thanks for this blog Melody

    • Melody Beattie says:

      Hi Denise. Sorry to hear about the job thing. It’s much more pleasant to quit of our own volition, on our own time schedule. When I was in treatment — way, way back in 1973 after being “in” for 8 month, the only way I could get “out” was to have a job. And my treatment wasn’t at Hazelden or Promises – it was at Wilmar State Hospital in Wilmar Minnesota. I went out and applied for every entry level job I could find doing anything – and everything. I had been out on the streets as a raving addict for years, and addicts don’t usually have great resumes. The town I was going to live in — Wilmar — by treatment — was a small one. I exhausted all available resources in about two weeks. On the last day, after applying at the last place I could think of, I was tanding on a corner waiting for the bus to take me back to the hospital when I heard a voice say (I swear I did), turn around and look. I looked. I was in front of a law firm. Now, my high school education (even though I had been a practicing alcoholic since age 12) was excellent; I left high school on the Twin Cities honor roll (I mean graduated — not left). I could take shorthand, type 130-150 words per minute, and the few jobs I had before really immersing myself in the drug culture were jobs either as a copywriter or as a legal secretary working at the para-legal level. But someone in a state hospital applying for work in a law firm? Unthinkable. At least that’s what I thought. The voice said, walk up the stairs, ask to talk to the owner of the law firm, tell him your story — honestly and briefly — and ask for a job. Just that clear. I hesitated, and then did it. It turned out that the lawyer who owned the firm had a brother who was an alcoholic. It also turned out that he needed another legal secretary, but had been procrastinating on hiring one. He said he’d get back to me. Two weeks later I was working at that law firm making twice as much as any of the jobs I had applied for. Sometimes, it’s better if we don’t lead because we don’t think as much of ourselves as HP and the rest of the world does. Good luck to you — truly. Don’t put a ceiling on what you deserve (or if you do, take it off). I wish you the perfect, absolutely best job for you. Best, Melody

      • Denise says:

        WOW…. you type 130 -150 words per minute, shorthand too. If this is the pre-requisite for writing, let alone a book, good luck to me. I have to say this is one commonality I have noticed with alcoholic/addicts, they all seem to be exceptionally intelligent and gifted… be that artistically or otherwise. Me on the other hand, not so much. The one thing I did want to do was nursing. I love taking care of people, animals, plants. Thanks for the encouragement about not putting a ceiling on what I deserve.. these are difficult words to take in truthfully. Some part of me still thinks/feels undeserving. I seem to have this inside out upside down and backwards. It’s an inside job and I will always be working on it. I have always loved writing and took a writing class in my junior year of high school. After I wrote my first story, my teacher asked to speak to me after class. He asked if I really wrote it? I was pleasantly shocked. I got an A for content, and a C- for grammatical errors. He told me I should send it into a magazine. I dismissed this as an error on his part. I am comfortable with failure, meaning for me that when I pour my heart into an endeavor I expect to hear what is wrong, and when I do it seems to erase all that wasn’t. This must sound childish but it is the truth. I loved writing painting,photography, piano, guitar, music, cooking, baking, sports, sewing, but no matter what I did my mother SHOT it down. She called it constructive criticism. This is what is wrong… this is how you need to make it better. I never once heard good job well done I’m proud of you, except ONE TIME when she decided to give me a stuffed animal at the dinner table in front of my brothers and sister for taking care of the house, them etc. shaming them in the process… which took any possible speck of joy I might have had completely away. I feel hatred when I remember these incidences which I am finding in these past few days I am experiencing as rage. Absolute rage. I talked to God about this on the way home tonight. I told him I hate every thing that hurts people, breaks hearts, breaks apart families, causes minds and hearts and souls to shatter and have to be put back together. I have zero bravery and not one nice word of gratitude for any of it tonight. Sorry I am on a rant, obviously seeing an empty glass, not even half full. Can’t seem to get a grip on myself and I don’t feel recovery or recovered, just broken and full of rage. My youngest brother showed up 2 days ago with my Uncle, a Viet Nam vet and the most honorable men I have ever known for a bazillion reasons. He brought him down here from my mothers house because the violence was too much for him. Mom is calling me constantly and I feel nothing but anger. Her leaving this world and life it seems will be as hard as everyday ever was with her. She is 68lbs, has a tube in her belly to drain the fluid, she can barely breath, the list is long, but she still manages to have enough oxygen to provoke my brothers to the point of walking out the door and now when she needs the most help, not coming back. I am just checking out. No visiting, no talking, the only thing I’m not disconnected from is my rage right now. Rage at the whole sick and twisted picture of life diminished that is all I can see in this moment. There’s a sense that my hands are greased and the more I try to reach for something that feels solid or secure the further it slips away from me. I am lodged between a panic attack and depression…. straining to hear the good mother’s voice and trying to write my way out of it. When I was telling God about my rage it came to me ….that rage is….. Righteous Anger Given Expression. For right now this is what I need to tell myself to get through it. Maybe it’s time for me to watch it’s a wonderful life and consider that my efforts as naive or idealistic as they have been amounted to something, I need to believe this right now. Some part of me thinks it should apologize for my negativity but I can’t because it’s the truth of who and what I am right now. Denise

        • Melody says:

          Or — maybe you need to be and do and feel just what you are, this moment – mad as hell. That’s what we’re here for. When Shane ( my son ) died, my ex-sponsor looked in horror when I kicked a metal door and said how furious I was with God. It is my responsibility, but I acepted her block to my anger and plugged it up. Took years to unplug it. You won’t find that happening here. Congratulations for having the courage to be honest. I’m not happy you’re feeling so uncomfortable, but I’m happy you’re you. Best, Melody (I also realize my response is tardy.) But I’m proud of you. Well done.

  • Karin says:

    Melody, the past few days have gotten me thinking more about the codependence vs. fierce independence idea. One big way I feel that playing out often in my life is in my relationship with my 2nd husband. I’m frequently seeking to strike a healthy balance. Because of living in codependence for so much of life and because of many years of emotional abuse by the significant men in my life for most my life, I admit I have a chip on my shoulder re/ men and my reactions can be so hair trigger when I feel threatened or trapped or disrespected. I can respond in ways that are counterproductive and an overreaction to the present situation. I really want to experience a healthy relationship with my husband and I recognize how important it is for me to pay careful attention to the thinking behind my responses and the way I communicate. I want to live in the healthy space between codependence and fierce independence. I’ve been thinking about it more since I read your post and that’s a good thing. Thanks….. Karin

    • Melody Beattie says:

      Hi Karin. I think it’s normal to grow by “going to extremes.” We bounce from extreme codependence to extreme or fierce independence, vowing never to need or rely on anyone again (and I can relate to the reactions you’re talking about). I can remember biting heads off in the early years of recovery if I took something the wrong way. Gradually I began to see that real courage comes from being vulnerable and even beyond that, from letting ourselves be who we are. You girls are a great group. Truly. You bless me and posting here is not a job, it’s a joy. Best, Melody

  • Belinda says:

    How do we strive to learn the complicated and realize we’ve become out-of-touch with the simple? Thanks, Melody, for the simple, yet profound, reminder!

  • Mr Mark Jones says:

    Dear Melody , So we have the right to choose to feel good , but that is brought on by saying I don’t know & then letting go …?…..Seems like some hard problems we have to face but we can let go so that we don’t hurt ourselves too bad …… Not harden our hearts but allow time for more knowledge & wisdom to grow inside of it ! Sounds about right for me ….We really have Soooooo much freedom and it is best to use it & not lose it eh Melody ? Seasons Greetings & Merry Christmas to you Melody , seems the Season to be jolly came early this year ? Surely we do not all feel jolly so maybe we can find a way to L E T G O ……..of the things that bother us or hurt us & find a new & better way for ourselves that feels better ? ! Ahhhhhh …… what a concept , one I would like to process more & think about …. What is that Condo in the Desert like I wonder ? Is it kinda cool ? Or is it Peaceful ? Easier to write there ? Get any dough back from that thief – former worker of yours ? I hope so ….. My sweet cats Ernie & Mona say hello – my kids ………….17 pages into my poetry book ” TIME ” , taking a break , hope to go about 8 more pages and I still have alot of photos to add ……. I feel good Melody , when I write that book , slowly but surely , with Love … Take Care and I ask the Creator to help you in getting a Good Healing ….I hope you feel better soon ….. One who enjoys reading your writing ! ………………….. PEACE , Mark J . 12/9/2012

    • Melody says:

      Hi Mark. Yes it is a complex process — but for many of us, the Language of Letting Go involves expressing all our feelings, because it is through this expression that many of us achieve true letting go, the kind that happens deep inside us. You are a sweet and loving and innocent Light. Keep shining, Mark. Best, Melody

  • Ken Tuvman says:

    Hi Melody, I’m glad everything is falling into place! I can certainly relate to what you wrote about.

  • Karin says:

    Hi Denise, I can really relate to being immersed in feelings of rage. I’ve been there many times and the more I understand about letting myself experience the full range of human emotion the more I realize I need to accept my rage as well. I was never allowed to have or express rage in my childhood. It wasn’t acceptable to express anger. Nor was it acceptable during the years I was married from age 22-45. I realize now that I was cut off from a part of myself during all those years. It’s normal and good and healthy to let ourselves be angry or feel rage (I like the Righteous Anger Given Expression…I believe that it can definitely be a God-given emotion). It’s important to process all of it as we experience life in it’s fullness. What I’ve learned myself and told my kids is “if you need to do something with your rage, make sure you’re not harming yourself or anyone else. Go ahead and feel it. Go ahead and make choices fueled with that powerful energy….just channel it in a positive direction. It can be a great asset and fuel for positive change.’ I applaud your awareness that you need to feel what you feel and be where you are. I totally agree. It’s the only way to move forward. Blessings to you, Karin

  • Denise says:

    Hi Karin and Melody, Thank you for the acknowledgement about rage. I am grateful I know what it is and why it is, truly. I know I don’t have do or say anything necessarily “about” it at this stage of my life. Knowing I can listen to what it is telling me and allowing it to run it’s course, knowing it will, takes the fear out of it. I really like what you shared Melody about not labeling feelings because all are equally valid. And I really appreciate what you said about making choices fueled by this powerful energy Karin. I think doing so can create a passion to change what we can . If I can visualize a reason that I can find value in for the greater good as well as myself, there is motivation to take the next step because it matters. I know there are times when life feels overwhelming as well as times when all that can be felt is gentleness and ease. Being able to acknowledge what it is without judgement, what ever it is, helps me to go with life rather than resist what it is trying to teach me. I have a busy week ahead so I am focusing on what the day tells me I need to do, just letting life be what it is, instead of the opposite. Thank You for being here, it really makes a difference. Take Good Care. Denise

  • Mr Mark Jones says:

    Greetings All – yes a very nice & meaningful kind of group therapy going on hear ! Good Work ! Or should I say , this is what Humanity looks like ! I was with my elderly mother – Sheila today driving to the Big 5 for her to buy a present … It was cold, cold Rainy , windy day and we got in it & hot wet ! and my Mom mustered all the energy she had to walk up a hill in the rain , I put my hat on her head ,put my hand on her back & prepared to catch her if she fell & kept saying shall we stop & breathe ? My Mom is 82 , was using a walker & suffers from Emphasema ! I looked up in the sky and there was a sunbreak & beautiful blue sky way off to the South West towards Melodys Condo in California ….well over the Oregon Coast …… My Mom & I got the little project done , I dropped her off at her retirement home & went home ……… Luckily My Brother helps her alot too …. I could have said no to the whole outing , but like she used to always say , ” It was a Struggle Mother , but We made it ! Best wishes to All and to All a Good Night ! We do what we can – eh .?…really I want to be happy too … Peace , Mark or MJ

  • Kallie says:

    Doing nothing feels like accepting the crappy situation. Yet I can’t figure out a single thing I can do so what other choice is there really.

  • Diana says:

    Melody, I just want to take a minute and let you know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you are recovering from your surgery and that you have someone there to help to lighten your load. It has been awhile since I have written, I am going through some major changes, things are shifting, some are little changes and some have been very big changes with a miracle thrown in the mix out of the blue. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so although this is short I want you to know that you have been on my mind and I hope that you had a Merry Christmas. Thank you for the many gifts that you have given me throughout the years Blessings ~Diana

  • Barbara says:

    “Sometimes living in the mystery hurts.” Boy, are you ever right. I too am ferociously independent. A by-product of a dyfunctional family and a 30 year marriage that ended in betrayal. So, yes, damn it, I’ll do it myself. Except I can’t. Sometimes, well sometimes, I’m just not big enough to handle all that comes my way. Sometimes we just don’t know which way is up. I love what you said about listening and waiting… Call it instinct. Intuition. Grace of God. Those still, small voices that speak to us, perhaps our angels telling us to hold on, keep steady, or just stop for a moment. These are what we should listen to. Reaching out is good, but only when it feels right. So you have reminded me of what I needed to hear. To hold tight. To reach out when it feels right. To not be afraid to just wait a bit and think on things. Not always easy, but good to remember. Today I needed to hear it. Today it makes perfect sense. Grace of God thing. Thanks Melodie. Blessings and healing to you. It’s going to be a good year…

    • Melody says:

      Hi Barbara. I think somewhere in Language of Letting Go I wrote a meditation about “going to extremes” — and how the pendulum swinging so far in each direction is how we grow. I wish to God growth was tidy (or maybe I don’t really because I don’t like “tidy” all that much) — but I wish we had more understanding for ourselves when life isn’t tidy. So many of our problems can be solved by just accepting who we are. So simple — and often too simple for me. Let ue know how things are going. Best, Melody

  • Angela says:

    Melody, I am sorry about your surgery and I am glad you have finally recovered. Thank-you so much for talking about the other side of the codependent coin. Oddly enough, both my husband and myself, have been trying for years to prove to the world that we can do it alone “thank-you very much” after some very painful outside events early on in our marriage. We constantly cling to eachother like we are on a life raft in the middle of the ocean trying to stay afloat amid lifes trials and tribulations. Since you posted about the flipside of codependency, I am starting to see a light at the end of this tunnel and realize that we need to accept help from safe people around us and give help as well in a safe/appropriate way. I am grateful that you continue to share your journey with us. I am in ministry and I have been quite busy studying and have not kept up with your journey for quite some time. You look well and you sound very grounded and I have to say that has given me hope for my journey because lately I have been very weary. Again, thak-you for sharing your journey with us all. Gratefully, Angela

  • Melody says:

    Thanks Angela — only two more rounds to go (hopefully minor ones) with the surgery – but I’m doing much better. Best, Melody

  • Barbara says:

    Melody. So sorry about the additional surgery you are facing. I had simple knee surgery last June and am still working on recovery. My empathy and prayers are with you. I pray that a gaggle of angels surround you and your surgeon for the next couple of rounds…. how can you lose? No kidding about the messiness of growth. Yikes. Like trying to put one of those bookshelves together from IKEA. Pieces all over the place, and then all of the sudden…it’s together. And why are we so surprised? Why do we doubt that we can do these amazing things? I’m still trying to find out who I am with all that has happened… and what I’ve found is that if I retrace my steps back to before, back to when I felt free and happy, I’m sitting on a curb right there, waiting for my ride. I like that person. I think finding myself at the core is the key to accepting myself. Just didn’t want to accept the person who I had become. Tofuism. Never pretty. So I’m trying to go back to what worked. A good choice. Still working on it.

  • Beth says:

    Melody, I hope you are feeling better. I have wanted to ask this question of you hoping you can provide some insight because for me to let go of a situation I have to understand where it stems from or why I do it. Very tough to admit I can’t figure this one out on my own. Why do I stay focused on someone who doesn’t love me and could never – the crazy thoughts of he’s happy, not wanting to run into him and his girlfriend (if he is even still seeing her). I have little contact with him but it’s like I believe if I had him I would be happy – but reality and when I take a good look at him and his traits I know that it is not a good fit but that doesn’t stop me from wishing and feeling sad, like I’ve missed an opportunity. It’s like I believe he can stop the pain. I have read a number of your books and every morning I wake up and read The language of letting go. The other morning i read “if you are unhappy without a relationship, most likely you will be unhappy in one”. Which helped some. So many times in reading it – the AHA / Oh crap more work moments come and sometimes come hard. I try to turn my attention to what do I need to do for myself when I have those thoughts but I just want to let go once and for all. Any insights as to why I focus on him? You are a gift – thank you for sharing your life so rest of us can live.

  • Mr Mark Jones says:

    Dear Melody & Friends on the Journey , 1-7-2013 It is nice to have Comrades along the Way , friends , associates , who are really going through similar Life Changes … I guess the loneliness is hard , but it doesn’ t last long …I have had set backs , but I am ” feeling stronger every day ” —- Spiritually ….. I am asking like in your MIRACLES in 40 days book , it is my 2nd Spring of Asking ; I think you Published the Book in 2010 …… I ask for : 1) Peace inside and outside ….2) Good Health 3) Kindness 4) Respect and Consideration for Our Women in this Country …..Give Mothers more of a Fighting chance, Creator & Women in General 5) Help Men more & more to get Points for being kind, generous , graceful , as well as Strong ….,6) help me turn out a Quality Book of Poetry by Presidents Day Loving Creator …..7) Thankyou Creator-Great Spirit – Jesus for each moment , each new Day , please breathe Love through me & All who want to do the same …….and accept differences ….. we are all more the same than we are different …….Melody , I Pray you will be Blessed every day as you are ready to receive your blessings …. You are very Worthy ! Thanks for the Major Contributions you have made in your Writing …. ! Good Evening ………. MJ Mark …..

  • Barbara says:

    Melody… Re-read the above and it’s still holds true. Isn’t that the way with universal truth? Lasts a long time. Haven’t seen a posting from you since January 10th on your other Blog post and am hoping that you’re okay and in the arms of angels. Give us a word and let us know how you’re doing. As you care, I care. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Here’s part of a blessing from John O’Donohue that I love: For Equilibrium “Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore, May the relief of laughter rinse through your soul. As the wind loves to call things to dance, May your gravity be lightened by grace… May your prayer of listening deepen enough To hear in the depths the laughter of God.” Blessings to you. Be well. Arohanui, Barbara

  • Mr Mark Jones says:

    Dear Melody& Friends , Wow , it is an Honor to be on this site with very Caring & very deep & wise People …. Melody it must be nice to have many people who care so deeply for you , including me ! ? I want to ask as many as want to , lets lift up Melody in prayer and ask the loving Creator to take away All or as much of the pain as she can let go of ……forgive herself , and feel Whole again , get a Real Healing ! Creator – Jesus see to it for Melody and we thank her so, so very much for the way she has helped Many even when she was in pain ….. You remain a Positive force for mankind and yourself ! ….. Thanks so much – I was sick for 16 days & still recovering ….. Bless All the Beautiful People on this Site as Well, with all their needs & wants attended to … Amen Mark thanks for allowing me some extra feedback this time ! We are all worthy of Lots of Love …

  • Barbara says:

    Melody… No word from you. My hope and prayer is that you are doing well and taking a well needed rest from this crazy world of ours. I think of you often and am grateful for your life and your willingness to be a conduit for a source of knowledge greater than ourselves. Know you are well loved and so very missed. Grace comes. Barbara

  • Tracey Dixon says:

    I LOVE YOUR BLOGS, LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO AND JUST EVERYTHING! Each day, everything always applies for me. This blog just really hit home for me today. I have read it before, but today was the Aha moment. Thank you for sharing your life and writings for me and everyone else. You have no idea how you inspire me. Love ya girl!

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