Melody’s Autobiography
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SO THAT’S HOW IT GOES
As we enter the New Year with hopes, dreams and fears (and all three go hand-in-hand), it’s traditionally a time to consider new ventures – whether that means a new hobby, business, relationship, character trait change or new beginnings of any kind.
Here are some principles I’ve learned and have had to apply no matter what new undertaking I tackled. Most recently, they came into play when I attacked my longest-standing unmet goal and simultaneously, my most desired one: screen and teleplay writing.
No matter how many courses I took, how many books I read, mentors I hired, prayers prayed – no matter what I did – I couldn’t take the needed step to go from desire to manifestation. I couldn’t make myself write the words “FADE IN” and “FADE OUT” and all the necessary words that go between those two phrases.
To distract myself, an essential part of writing some call procrastination but I call writing, I stumbled virtually) into the world of online penny bidding otherwise known as recreational shopping. (I thought all shopping was recreational.)
My first encounter felt like being jammed into a larger-than-life blender, getting crunched and then spat out – sans my money and with no item, product or purchase. It felt similar to being attacked by gypsies.
Never again, I thought. But I also had that same reaction after writing my first book with a co-author, a true story that took me two years to write and which grossed me almost $900. In retrospect, that became the glass half empty thinking that I despise. No, I don’t despise negative thinking. I despise clichés. A glass is neither half full nor half empty. It’s a glass. It either has something in it or it doesn’t. Right? Maybe.
With even more retrospect, writing that first book became the equivalent of going to college to learn to write a book and instead of owing a bank a quarter of a million dollars for a student loan, I received $900. From that vision, one hell of a deal and definitely a full glass of water.
But back to this blog’s point.
When contemplating my tailspin and absolute, total refusal to write anything resembling a screenplay or teleplay – not one solitary word — I recently realized I felt more fearful, terrified, perplexed and inadequate about screen and teleplay writing than I had about any other undertaking in my life.
While everything is relative and some sages insist it’s always now, the one exception to the theory of relativity is emotions. The biggest, worst and most hideous emotion is whatever feeling blocking us now. Doesn’t matter what we felt before and worked through or what emotion we may encounter tomorrow. The stopper is that feeling we have today, the one we can’t get through, around, over and the one we erroneously think has nothing to do with our success or failure and in many cases, the emotion we deny even having because we’re so terrified and numb we don’t feel it.
This blog is about new undertakings. It’s about old dogs and young puppies learning new tricks. It’s about dogs that still hunt whether we’re vegetarians or not. It’s about static principles for success no matter what our new undertaking.
It’s also about the importance of things we may not think are important.
Everything is connected – to us – and lest you don’t believe me, some things are true whether we believe them or not. Sometimes the most insignificant activities and actions — whether it’s shopping, a hobby or in my case procrastinating on writing by engaging in online bidding — become the proverbial teacher waiting for the student (you and I) to become ready.
I’m still not certain I was ready but I’d become weary of the significant people in my life, even the most patient of them, screaming the same thing at me that I’d been yelling at myself: For the love of God and all that’s holy just write your script. It was time for me to become ready to be ready. Time to take the next step. And most often when we’re blocked, the next step is an inside job. In this situation, taking the next step meant doing that thing writers do after sufficient procrastination: actually writing.
That’s when I realized how important my hobby, diversion and most current preferred form of procrastination – online penny bidding – really is. By looking at my growth from being a loser spat out by the money-sucking vortex I encountered on my first penny auction online site (can’t remember the site’s name) to being one of the longest-term and most successful penny bidders at DealDash.com (the only online penny bidding site I can and will vouch for because of its integrity and because when you win an auction, you actually get what you pay for unless demand has exceeded supply, in which case you get your choice of a fair and reasonable substitution.
I began to list the qualities or skills I applied that helped me go from loser to a winner at something I knew absolutely nothing about when I started. I didn’t take me long to see that these are identical to the qualities that help me succeed at anything I want to do. While these ideas aren’t revolutionary, it’s easy to forget that each is within our power to do.
- Realize I’m where I am on purpose, even if it’s an accident. Sometimes the most trivial things that happen to us are more important than we believe. When I look for the big, the exciting and the momentous – I leave empty-handed. When I surrender to the present moment, understanding the sheer magnificence of each of these in my life – even those that suck — and then follow that with gratitude, my wheelbarrow overflows. (I use that expression because my entire life, I wanted a wheelbarrow and now I have one, a good one I won one for not much money at all at DealDash and because “cups overflowing” has become a cliché, something writers should avoid.) I really am thrilled about having a wheelbarrow and in my most far-fetched moments of self-love, couldn’t justify buying one.
- Remember that success doesn’t mean eliminating my character defects (for the most part). It means letting who I am work for me in a positive way. Translated, that means “learn to let your defects become assets.” Obsession can work for us, if we use it to achieve valued goals. Obsession translated becomes persistence. Letting go, maybe. But not giving up. Almost any book I’ve read about writing says something I’ve said about myself for years: successful writers aren’t necessarily the best ones; they’re the ones who didn’t quit. Once I found an online penny auction site I trusted – which took persistence too – I continually returned to penny bidding until I succeeded. Really succeeded. Succeeding at penny auctions doesn’t mean (to me) winning an auction but paying more than an item’s value just like success in writing doesn’t mean (to me) paying a publisher to publish my work. Success in penny bidding means winning an item I want at auction and paying less for it (price of bids included) than I would spend at Wal-Mart. Or Apple. Success in writing means a publisher or production company paying me for my writing, not me paying someone else to publish or produce my work. Success means other things to me, including quality of work, doing the work for the sake of the work so I don’t have to obsess about outcomes and loving the story I’m telling. We each need to define what success means to us. That way we’ll be able to recognize it when it happens.
- That last point leads naturally to my next: enjoy what you’re doing so much that you barely notice success when it comes because you’re having such a good time that you forgot to focus on outcomes. In penny bidding, I gradually but with much angst went from winning a mouse and being ecstatic about it to winning the world’s largest 3-D ready television set. I felt excited when I won it but it also felt like a natural next step. I also gradually but with much angst went from euphoria to seeing my first published by-line in a community newspaper to seeing my books in the New York Times Bestseller List. (I like activities that combine joy with angst. Like I wrote earlier in this blog, change doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating our traits; it means making them work for us.)
- Realize that success comes in a set of naturally progressive steps even when our last name begins with Z, as in Zuckerberg. Do the next thing, trusting your intuition if you’re a woman or your gut if you’re a guy and then combining that with intellect when it comes to deciding what that next step is. When I bid on DealDash, I don’t go from placing that first bid to paying for my won item in one step (usually, although I have won some items for a penny or three cents). I search the auctions, find one I feel good about, place some bids and then either continue or stop if I realize I’ve made an error. In screenwriting, I would likely not go from idea to finished script in a day. Or a month. Or a year. I carried the idea for writing Codependent No More around for over five years, moving it each New Year’s from my old goal list to my new one. Success at anything is usually a process that includes education, research, thought, study, procrastination, distraction, more procrastination, outlining scenes, more procrastination, re-outlining scenes, fleshing out those scenes, tossing out the outline if it doesn’t work, re-evaluating structure, re-outlining if necessary and then, finally, writing the script. Then rewriting it when someone gives you notes, after thanking them for taking the time to give you notes. But the overall process of writing a screenplay is accomplished one step, one scene, one typed word and one minute of procrastination at a time. I can’t do two things at once. I can’t take two steps – or 40 – at once. Some days, I can barely do one thing at once.
- Keep a beginner’s mind. Learn. Study. Be willing to change your mind. Be flexible. Information is power but make sure that the information you’re getting whether about how to win at penny bidding, how to write a script or how to build a birdhouse is solid information. Make sure you can trust your source. Naivety can be charming — for a second. Then it turns into victimization. Deal with trustworthy people. Prepare properly for what you’re attempting to do. Honor this new beginning. But do background checks on the people you’re letting teach you. Know that you can trust the people you do business with and most of all, trust yourself. And if you haven’t read it, read the book “Who Moved My Cheese” – an excellent book about staying flexible and open to one of life’s few certainties: change. Example. In online bidding, my preferred and only home site for bidding, DealDash, recently encountered a huge growth spurt. That brought about changes in auctions which meant changing my strategies for winning. When I began working on the television series I’m writing a pilot for now, I started out trying to write it as a two-hour movie. I continually encountered problems and then decided the story couldn’t be written, which it couldn’t – in the form I first attempted to write it. Now that I changed strategies and now that television offers a banquet table of creative opportunities to skilled writers, my approach works and I can tell because I cannot remember being this excited about anything I’ve ever written. Ever. But that doesn’t mean things won’t change again, because they will. It’s not that the other shoe always drops; it’s that people regularly take off and put back on their shoes.
- Remember that failure comes with success. It’s easy to look at others and think they succeed all the time. That’s because we usually don’t see people’s failures. Be willing to take small successes (I received $5,000 for optioning my first script years ago. Hey, why not take that as a sign that there’s a chance I may be on the right track instead of looking at my failure to perform and considering it a Stop Sign?) Still, be willing to fall on your face, pick yourself up and keep at it. I know I already mentioned persistence, but that’s different from being willing to fail. Failure involves involuntary humility. Failure stings. But more than anything, our response to failure can break or make us. The first place I run to when I fail is, “Oh, this must not be what I’m supposed to be doing.” Nice try, Beattie. No, you did exactly what you were supposed to do. You failed. Now see if you can learn something from it, okay?
- On the other hand, be brutally honest with yourself. Are you doing something you really want to do? I am still amazed at the difference it makes if I really want an item I’m bidding on in an auction. I get focused, roll up my sleeves and more often than not, I win it. Whether or not we really want to do something is a question that each of us needs to answer. Doesn’t matter if others think we can or should do it. How do we feel, really feel, about it? Do we want it? How badly? The best way to gauge our level of desire it pay attention to how we feel when we make even the smallest movement toward success. Ambivalence isn’t a good sign. Excitement is.
- Enjoy your success when it happens but remember that enjoying success is much like Thanksgiving dinner: it’s only fun when shared. I love a good win at online bidding. I also love giving someone I care about that thing they really want and I really love the look on their face after they say, “I can’t accept that IPod” and I reply by saying “It cost me five bucks. Would you let me give you five dollars?” I also enjoy getting things for myself I wouldn’t ordinarily get for myself because yes, codependency continues to haunt me. Can’t afford it. Don’t really need it. Blah, blah, blah. And if sharing a crockpot or anything else I win with someone I care about is fun, how much more exciting when I reach “FADE OUT” knowing I’ve told a story I love to people I care so much about: you, my readers. Eh, viewers.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! May you take steps toward turning your dreams into realities this New Year. May you find pleasure, angst, agony and joy in each step forward (and backwards). Because that’s how it goes, too. Remember to look for those subtle, hidden lessons because rare is the time when we’re not learning – or when Life isn’t trying to show us – something. And may you remember to look inside and deal with your fear, because that usually becomes our biggest block and barrier to accomplishing anything new.
Many years ago, when I consciously began this journey of being conscious, a trusted mentor told me after I had complained about feeling afraid, “If you’re not afraid, it’s because you’re not doing anything new.” Whether I believe it or not, some things were –and still are – true.
From the desk of Melody Beattie
January 2, 2013
Note: I know, I know. I never use merchants’ names on my blogs but you also know what they say: Never say never. If any of you decide to pursue recreational shopping or online penny bidding, please do so responsibly. DealDash (the only site I vouch for 100%), has a BIN, or Buy It Now option. That means you cannot lose if you only bid on items you can afford to and intend to buy whether or not you win the auction — like gasoline cars (unless you don’t own a car). When you Buy It Now, you get all your bids back. You don’t lose a penny. And no, this isn’t an advertisement and I don’t have an affiliate relationship with DealDash. If you choose to go there, I get no payback. I make no money. Above and beyond everything else, DealDash has been and remains an honest, cherished and valuable form of procrastination. You’ll need to type their URL in your computer yourself. Best, mlb
Hello again, Melody, just the fact that I’m able to share on your sites and that I’ve actually had responses from you is amazing. I’m SO grateful! I’ve been reading your books for many years and as I shared on another site, you and I have both experienced the loss of a child. The situations were disimilar, however the grief is universal. I’ve had a fantasy for many, many years, to write a book about my life and the things over which I have been victorious and I’ve made several attempts and had several titles but have not been able to follow through due to fear and just not thinking I can do it or I’m not good enough. I love to write but I think I’m kidding myself that anything would become of it. Wouldn’t know where to start…I’ve talked myself out of even trying at this point. I was adopted as an infant but didn’t know I was adopted until I was about six. I had an older cousin who had many emotional issues tell me this by saying…”you know your parents aren’t your Real parents”…. It was at that point that my life had changed. At around 12 or 13, I developed a serious anxiety disorder and feelings of extreme self-consciousness and, I suppose, social phobia disorder.I grew into a shame-based individual and developed a severe phobia of bllushing. I felt as if I was constanly being pursued by charging, angry forces that were about to “get” me at any moment. I learned about the numbing effects of alcohol by age 14, as it was always available in my home. All throughout my teens, in college, in my twenties and thirties, and on and on, I self-medicated with alcohol. During my two pregnancies, I didn’t drink, but my anxiety disorder was through the roof. Before the birth of my first son in 1976, the one who lost his life due an accidental overdose, I became bulimic, not from information I read but just kind of figured it out for myself. So now I’m existing with panic, alcohol abuse and bulimia. After the birth of my first son, I shared a little of what I was feeling with my mother and she agreed to pay for some therapy at the Psychology Department of Temple University Hospital in Philadelphia. They advertisied a Behavioral Modification therapy process and I called and had some appointments. That was the beginning of many, many therapists and anti-depressant therapy and a life a pain and anguish and fear. I had SO many secrets and I was trying to appear normal although I knew I was very sick. I want to jump ahead to today…..I’m coming up on ten years of squeeky clean sobriety on January 11, have been free of bulimia for many, many years after being afflicted for about 25 years. Was in treatment for this twice. I can function well in this world and am not plagued by disabling panic and anxiety although I can still allow myself to get caught up in it if I’m not diligent. I do have coping mechanisms now and understand how I myself contribute to the fear with my thoughts. Today I’m so very grateful that I’m where I am, and, despite my older son’s sudden death eight years ago, I was sober when he died, I never picked up a drink or fell into the dark hole of panic. I take no medications for anything. As I stated in another post, my younger son is still on this earth, for which I’m the most grateful, considering his repeated relapses from opiate abuse. I’m in two 12-Step Programs and more active in Al-Anon than AA as my issues with co-dependency and wanting to be in control seem to be what needs my attention the most. I attend meetings in both fellowships and am saving my own life through them.II have a small business which saves my life on a daily basis, weather permitting. I’m a gardening contractor and have a good customer base and have been doing this for about 20 years. It is my joy. It has given me a purpose but I’m getting older and think it’s time to take some personal risks. Anyway, I could go on an on……..I will continue to pray about my Higher Power’s will for me and my capability to carry it out. I AM living in the Mystery…also in day sixteen of the Miracle Project and diligently doing my lists each day. I better let you go and thanks for letting me share. loulou
Good to see you surface. I felt my pupils dilate with wide-eyed excitement at the thought of an unexplored bargain-hunting venue. Thanks for the tip. Here’s to failing forward. To allowing our quirks to work for us. May this be a year of freedom from false beliefs and self imposed limits without exception. best, Smerk ;}
loved what you wrote, Melodie. All that you said I needed to hear. You shared with honesty and wisdom. I wish you an amazing 2013!
Hi Melody, I’ve never heard of a penny auction. Sounds fascinating. I’m going to look into it….not sure I’ll buy anything but I want to see what you’ve been enjoying lately. I appreciate your reminders about facing our fears and that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. The older I get the more I find that timing is everything. I need to wait until I’m ready, or typically the process will backfire. I can trust that everything will unfold at the right time in the right way. 2012 was a year where I was confronted with a lot of emotional blockage re/ my Dad that needed to be healed and released. He passed away 14 years ago and I honestly didn’t know I still had such a huge blockage of pain and fear connected to him. It never ceases to amaze me what our subconscious will do to protect us and heal us. 2012 was the year of feeling and releasing alot of blockage. I feel much freer and much more at peace than I did a year ago. I didn’t know I was ready at the beginning of 2012 but faithfully my teacher appeared and led me through the maze of the emotional work I needed to do. It was scary, confusing, and I often wanted to shut down and run away. But my teacher was relentless and didn’t let me stop until I had experienced the release I so badly needed. We can’t force the removal of emotional or mental blockage but we can surrender to the process as best as we know, trusting that the release will come at the right time. Now I find myself wondering what 2013 will bring. I choose to believe that my teacher will bring exactly what I need, one breath at a time. I pray you receive all that you need on a daily basis…..whether it’s penny auctions, writing your script, or any unknown that is yet to unfold. Thanks once again for sharing your life and all the fun, powerful and very real insights along the way. You’re the best! Much love and blessings, Karin
Thanks, Karin. So often when I’m at a juncture in my life, I start something to “kill time” — or whatever — then am still surprised when I discover that that thing (whatever it is) becomes an important part of the next part of my life. I am writing (not the part where it looks to the untrained eye like procrastination), but the part where at the end of the day, in the computer file, I end up with words. Don’t want o jinx it though, so I’ll just close by saying again — thanks for your kind words. Best, Melody (Maybe it’s more likke when we’re ready to learn, the lesson becomes clear. Er.)
Yes, yes, yes. And perfect timing, for me. Great to see you up here again. lc
Melody, I just re-read your blog (approx. the 10th time I’ve read it….there’s so much good stuff!) and I just want to say I’m so glad you finally got your wheelbarrow. I think every good woman deserves a good wheelbarrow
. Makes me smile when I think of you pushing it around! Beautiful. Karin
New to blogging….sorry for the abrupt note here. How do I post a new question for Melody? I just read her book and have a question about starting the Miracle Project with my husband…. Kindest regards, Sandy
Hi Sandy, There’s actually a forum for Making Miracles where you can post and get lots of good info. You can try using the link below or just look at the top of this page and there’s a link in the side-bar. http://melodybeattie.org/forums/
Hi Karin, Melody and all, I love what you shared in your blog Melody, what you said in response Karin, and you too Smerf, ” Freedom from false beliefs and self imposed limits!” I’m writing that down and taping it on my wall, it is my mantra for 2013! Love it! So much wisdom, compassion and gratitude for this pilgrimage is what I hear from all. I’m back from my mothers and 2 weeks of silence except for the whooshing sound of her oxygen machine basically… it was different. No internet and I’m not sure I would have written had there been honestly. It felt like a sacred time where anything outside of this would have only served to distract. I wasn’t re-hired back and I felt 98% relief and 2% disappointment. Like grieving a marriage while your’e in it, I knew this is what I had been doing for the past year in my job. I feel the freedom and release to move forward, divine intervention did for me what I didn’t seem able to do for myself, Let Go! Thank You God. It never fails for me that when I share about a situation that was painful, scary and really difficult as I did with you Karin, namely that life is allowing the thing we fear TO happen so that we may be released FROM it’s grip, so too did I once again experience this with my job. I so needed to let go and move on… but with kindness for myself I have been able to acknowledge the importance of the process minus beating myself up. Quitting wouldn’t have boded well with all that needed to happen internally and externally so that I could move forward without baggage (resentment), God of course knew this and I only knew to keep on keeping on until I knew what the next step was. Anyway I’m excited about what next? asking, listening, considering and being open to all possibilities. Never thought I would have been doing what I had been for the past 5 years, not even a blip on the radar screen of my mind. But it was a wonderful experience for so many reasons and I learned what I never could have any other way. So many needed and valuable lessons, what a gift. Today I’m glad every day has a few more minutes of sunshine. Grateful for all that I learned about what doesn’t work. 2012 for me was about showing up for life, as you say Karin, one breath at a time. Being aware that this is the choice being made is really huge and in this I find reason to say showing up is it’s own success story… it really is. May continued blessings flow from all that we know…. all that we don’t and all that HP has yet to reveal to us along the way. Here’s to knowing there really is Joy in the process for us, one and all. Denise
Hi Melody, I really like how you said “When we’re ready to learn, the lesson becomes clear. Er. What a great way to put it. It’s obvious you’ve been around that proverbial loop many times. So glad to hear you’re writing. No doubt your efforts will result in blessing all the way around. Don’t want to jinx it though.
Sending you positive thoughts, Karin
Hi Denise, Glad you’re back!
I thought about you alot during your absence…. praying for healing and blessing for you. I’m grateful that you were able to experience the time with your mom as sacred. What a great perspective. I can just picture you listening to the sound of the oxygen machine and consciously absorbing that time as a gift. Wow. That’s very powerful. I’d like to hear about what you received and gained during that time if you want to share. I’m also grateful to hear you have a positive feeling about the discontinuance of your job and that you’re looking ahead to good things in 2013. It’s awesome that you can reflect on those 5 years of employment as a gift. And I agree with you about the quote from Smerf (thanks Smerf!). I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it on my bathroom mirror. What really strikes me is the ‘self-imposed limits’ part. So much of my life I thought it was other people limiting me….but now I know that I was making codependent choices to limit myself. I want to cultivate awareness every day of how NOT to impose limits on myself, but grant freedom in every way possible. Not just to myself but to others as well. I had a peaceful Christmas even though it wasn’t my ‘ideal’. As you had written before, it required me ‘letting go of what I wanted so God could give me what I needed’ (or as you said it another way ‘divine intervention did for me what I wasn’t able to do for myself’). Facing our fears so we may experience more freedom is such an awesome and difficult process. May 2013 bring us increased freedom that enables us to be a conduit of life and love in this world. May we, as you put it, have the courage to ‘show up’ every day and love ourselves the way we need and deserve to be loved. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you seek to follow your path of life…. Much love, Karin
Hi Karin, I’ve written and tried posting 2 other times but something was going on with my Java Plug in and I kept getting an error msg… So as is my way, after doing the same thing that isn’t working over and over again… I finally looked for the HELP button… old habits die hard!! I think this post will go through (fingers crossed). Thank you so much for your prayers, I felt them. Prayer seems to open doors and windows, allow light, fresh air and perspectives other wise unavailable to “suddenly-magically” appear. So what might I have learned…. I think from one day to the next the answer is different but for today this is what it is. What felt sacred was allowing myself to listen to the self that is not and never was responsible for the mother who was and still is sick..and what I could hear is… it’s not your fault. Didn’t Cause it- Can’t control or Cure it. My mother complained NON STOP while I was with her. It was bizarre to listen to the sense of entitlement and lack of gratitude she had for everything and everyone. I use the word bizarre because I felt as though what I was hearing couldn’t possibly be real. The book about Narcissism ” Why is it always about you” says there will come a point in old age that a narcissist no longer has the ability to disguise what they are doing. My brother and I discussed the new level we were experiencing with her behavior. Hatred and contempt quickly erupt when she doesn’t get exactly what she wants when she wants it. It is very disturbing to witness. I was scheduled to bring her to the hospital last Thursday 1/17 for an outpatient procedure but I got the flu and had to cancel this as well as a trip to see my niece and ex-sister in law who had come out from Tennessee, something I was so looking forward to, but I told myself I ‘m where I am supposed to be. I have had my brother ( the one still not in recovery, but doing the white knuckle self will run riot version) here at my place, on and off. The on is because I told him these are my rules: You show up drunk or drinking the door is locked and I do not answer it, you knock and I call the Police. Today I realized I feel crazy. I told my brother sobriety is a state of mind and mine feels like it is going down the drain. I can not have you here until or unless you are clean and sober working a program. I bought him a bus ticket to go back to my mothers tomorrow at 4:30. He got on his bicycle and left shortly after this saying he needed to take care of something before he left. I reminded myself….. I need to mind my own business. If I were an alcoholic I would not live in a bar so why would I live in the mental/emotional equivalent for my own disease? My resentment level is through the roof and I am relapsing into old behaviors and I am the Only one who can do something about it. My reading today in” 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact” was day 2 about the value of “Practice”. The last sentence said: Usually the situations that most require us to practice our values feel the most difficult. Yes they sure do. As far as my mother goes…. at this point I only know I will do what I can… when I can… and not feel guilty for taking care of myself. What I am continuing to learn is that I need to up the ante on self care. The consequences of my mothers daily life long choices have come to bear upon her last days and I have been mindful about what I do not want to regret with regard to my relationship with her. Today I was reminded about what I do not want to regret in relationship to myself….. not living my one and only life. I think this is what I am taking away from the time I have spent with my mother recently. False guilt is my Achilles heel… so I can not allow it to run my internal dialog and make my decisions, never could and today Thank God I’m aware much sooner than I used to be. So anyway I feel only half crazy now. I’m laying low, cocooning as Melody says, and that’s about it Karin, How about you? Much Love, Denise
Hi Smerf, Just want to say I also love your quote about false beliefs and self imposed limits. As I said to Denise, I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck in on my bathroom mirror. It’s my mantra for 2013 as well.
Many thanks for sharing! 
Karin
oooops…sorry…..I mean ‘Smerk’. My powers of observation leave a lot to be desired at times. :/
Mine too… sorry about that Smerk, my kids loved the smerfs all those years ago, it was what i saw without actually reading it.
No worries, Karin and Denise. “Smurf” was actually a nickname an old love had for me, so it works, too. “Smerk” is a purposely mispelled moniker which combines that and a “smirk”- the crooked mischeivous smile
Thank you both for sharing in a deep discourse between eachother here. It’s inspiring for all when someone is willing to share their experience. “Surrender to the Truth of Love through Gratitude” smerk
Hi Smerk, I just have to tell you my Smerf story.. My son,daughter and I used to go to a local mom and pop family owned Video Store( a few years ago!) The son who was almost always the only one there, reminded me of a Smerf. He was cute, a really nice guy and had twinkly happy eyes like the Smerfs did. I would say to my kids: Wanna stop by” Smerfs”? which was our code to get a movie. I never used this name when I spoke to him though, until…. one day as I was leaving I said: Nice to see you, thanks Smerf! I was so embarassed I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Today I would tell the person my term of endearment for them and it wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s good to be reminded of things like this and realize how far we have come! Smerfs Rule! Denise
Hi Smerk, I like your smurf/smirk combo name. I like the idea of a smerf with a smirk on its face. Funny. Anyway, thanks for all your input too. It’s so helpful to know we’re not alone in our struggles and our search for truth, healing and peace. This site is a great place for us to come together and share in a safe and open way. What a gift. Truly a reason for gratitude. Thanks again to Melody and Chip.
Melody, I really needed to read this. I’ve had writer’s block for over 2 years. For the 3 years previous, The words poured on the paper. I loved every minute. Then I became involved in a writting group and my writing became painfully self-conscious because I worried about my friends’ opinions. Eventually most members of the group received recognition for their writing. Several received contracts, and one signed a multi-book deal with a major publisher. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care if I’m never published, I just want to write again. Began working through your books this month and LOVING it. Chapter 11 in Codependent No More means a lot to me. I may not be writing fiction, but I’m filling pages as I progress through your workbook. Bless your heart for giving me new hope. I thank God for your books. Peace and gratitude, Diana
Hi Denise, Sorry to hear about your computer glitches…. I know how that goes…not fun. Good job asking for help
. Thanks for writing and sharing with me about your time with your mom. I’m very glad you were aware of taking care of yourself and not blaming yourself during that difficult time. I’m very sorry your mom is toxic and very hard to be around. I wish for you and her and everyone she would make different choices. But like you said, she’s not your responsibility and you can’t fix her. Your focus has to be first on taking care of yourself. It’s very hard to maintain emotional stability and not regress when we’re around big triggers like that. Between the situation with your mom and your brother you’ve had a tough battle to maintain emotional stability. I’m grateful that you came away with a renewed awareness of taking care of yourself. That’s so huge in terms of recovery and healing. You put it so well when you said if you were an alcoholic you wouldn’t hang out in a bar, so you can’t engage in behaviors that are the equivalent of your disease. That’s great awareness. I read recently that recovery and healing require ‘relentless awareness and very intentional choices’. I find that to be so true every moment of every day. Recently I made myself a list of goals and steps I need to take to achieve those goals. It mostly has to do with pursuing peace and healing every day. Cultivating moment-to-moment awareness is a key part of the steps I need to take because my emotions can change in a moment. Whether it’s paying attention to my triggers, communicating with people in my life, taking time to get adequate sleep and solitude, I have to be aware that, as you said, I’m the ONLY one who can take the necessary steps for my healing. Daily practice….like you referred to in the ’52 weeks of Conscious Contact’. It’s just so easy to go ‘unconscious’ when our triggers hit. And there’s nothing like childhood triggers to make us go ‘unconscious’. I really relate to what you said about narcissistic behaviors becoming magnified with old age….like your mom’s anger, contempt and lack of gratitude. My experience with my dad was similar. My experience with him was that he was narcissitic, emotionally detached, and prone to angry outbursts. When he became ill with a disease similar to Alzheimers, his anger became more pronounced and frequent. What he had always been was magnified. A few months ago I had a conversation with my mom about my childhood. I asked her if my memory of my dad as an emotionally shut down, angry person was accurate. She said yes. I told her I grew up very afraid of his and my brothers anger and that I had struggled a great deal in my adult years with men’s anger. I asked her if she had been afraid of my dad. She said yes. I asked her if she would agree that the atmosphere in our home growing up was like walking on egg shells. She said yes. Then when my dad got sick it just got worse. I’m sorry that was my experience but now I am determined to never knowingly subject myself to anything similar. I am very sensitive to men’s anger and I feel sick to my stomach whenever I sense it. I have to work hard to stay conscious and not go into my shut-down, protective mode. My husband is very sensitive to the fact that this is true for me and he’s been a healing person in my life. I lived subjected to men’s anger for most my life and now I’m very aware of not living that way. Like you said, it’s so important to live our one and only life in a way that brings peace and healing, whether or not other people understand or agree. One thing that turned out to be an unexpected blessing in my life recently was how the holidays ultimately played out. Although it wasn’t my ideal (not being with my kids), circumstances provided an opportunity for me, my kids and my ex to all grow and be healed. Good things happened that wouldn’t normally have happened. God gave me some very out-of-the-box gifts that were totally unexpected. I’m grateful to hear He did the same for you in the midst of your painful and challenging circumstances. I will continue to pray that you will have the ability to take good care of yourself. I totally agree with what you said….thank God we’re aware much sooner than we used to be. That’s progress and that’s a very good thing. Thanks again for taking the time to write. I’m always encouraged and I learn from your insights. Your communications in December helped me through a really rough time and I thank God that He brought you into my life when He did. It’s so wonderful to see how He gives us what we need when we need it. 
Like you said so beautifully, He “allows light, fresh air, and perspectives otherwise unavailable to ‘suddenly magically’ appear”. Amen. I love that 
. Please let me know how things go with your mom and your job search. I will continue to pray for you. Take good care of yourself. Love and peace to you, Karin
Hi Melody, Your latest blog is so timely and filled with so much good stuff I so need to hear right now. I related to what you said about how successful writers (which I apply to any endeavor in life) aren’t necessarily the best, but those who didn’t quit. So much positive purpose can be gleaned from obsession taken out of the negative realm and seen as Persistence. I immediately thought of my ever persistent daughter who though very petite in stature stands head and shoulders above others by virtue of her relentless persistence when pursuing anything what so ever she is determined is her goal to achieve or have in her life. She has been my teacher in many ways. When she was a teenager I had to out persist her persistence and in the process I found out that “persistence with passion” such as my mother’s heart had for her well being is as close to unbeatable as one can get. She wouldn’t understand for many years that God help the man or woman who stands in the way of a mother protecting/advocating for her child! Makes me think of Karin here as I sense that mother bear heart of love that would go down trying for her children. Anyway I laid low for the first 2 weeks after my job ended. I didn’t sign or send off the severance agreement until today because I wasn’t ready to. Like signing divorce papers you know it is a severing and irregardless of how you are going to move forward and the reasons you want to or have to… grieving and saying goodbye are important steps not to miss so that the next steps can be taken with an open heart. So having done this today I feel a sense of okay get the resumes ready and start knocking on doors. The woman who notarized my Severance papers was both really kind and a hoot. An older woman from Texas ( I asked about her accent) first she said I ‘m really sorry your going through this and meant it. Asked me some questions about the how, where, when, what of it all. This was the next step in the forward movement that is one of many to come. I think the first step is being open to possibility minus any…. Self imposed Limits (Thanks Smerk!) I sense a less is more kind of energy this year. Much Love to you in 2013
Hi Denise, Melody, Smerk and whoever else might read this …. I recently found a great book on codependency in the new book section of my library. It’s called ‘My Life As A Border Collie: Freedom from Codependency’ by Nancy L. Johnston. In it Nancy highlights the similarities between the border collie personality (she has had one for 16 yrs.) and the characteristics of codependents….as well as offering great insights for recovery. I have an 8-yr. old border collie and I can say from personal experience that the comparison is accurate. It’s a fun read so I thought I’d share my latest discovery…especially for fellow dog lovers. All the best, Karin
Hi Karin, I’m not sure if this post is going to go through so I’m going to make it short. I just wrote quite a long response and got an error msg again. I think somethings up with my computer. I have been between busy then doing absolutely nothing. So good to read your post, as always you are so kind positive and encouraging. Thank you for being YOU! I’m going to try to post this and hope it goes through (fingers crossed). I will try to post day after tomorrow as I watch the grandbabies all day on Tuesdays (12 hrs) and I fall into bed when I get home! Take Good Care and Much Love to you my friend. Denise
Hi Denise, Sorry to hear your continuing to have computer problems. That can be so frustrating. I’ve also had times where I’ve written and then lost it all. For me it takes a lot of deep breathing to stay centered when I’m having problems with technology. I hope you can get things sorted out soon. I look forward to hearing from you when you have the time and when your computer cooperates. I hope for your sake that will be soon. I hope you had a great day with your grandbabies yesterday… I do understand why you would fall into bed at the end of a day like that. Taking care of babies is exhausting. I still find it hard to believe I lived through it four times! You’re in my thoughts and prayers…Take good care of yourself and much love to you too
Karin
Hi Karin, It’s been too long since I’ve communicated with you my friend. I’ve been all over the map… internally. Navigating the landscape has felt akin to rock climbing for me lately. I have to say AMEN to your going through what it takes to have and care for 4 babies. God Bless You! My computer was fine after I upgraded the Java plug in but after that it’s operator wasn’t cooperating with IT. I was minimizing and leaving too many windows open (overnight) for starters…. hmmm similar analogy to what I was doing in the rest of my life. Not minding my boundaries, allowing things in that upset the balance only I can maintain with in. I’ve had too much on my plate (allowed it) but rather than trying to “rev up to keep up” which was what I used to do, I’ve been looking at what belongs on MY plate and what doesn’t. Asking for the “Serenity (presence of mind) to accept the things I can not change and the Courage to change the things I can”. I responded to what you said about your situation with your father but it got lost ( like I was) and didn’t post. I can relate to your share about fear of men, except for me it translated as a generalized fear of those in authority. My father was a periodic alcoholic but he wasn’t mean spirited. He loved us, and we knew he loved us. He was beaten down my our mother also (physically and emotionally) and it has taken me much life experience to understand, damage control was all he knew to do and without recovery all he could do. When he died our only sense of protection went with him. Ultimately I know if what happened then, happened today… my mother would have been standing in a court room. I am wondering Karin if you felt validated after hearing your mothers admission of how life was while you were growing up? I’m asking because my mother answered some questions for me too but I was more amazed that she did than anything else. It was more that she directed these things at: She didn’t know any thing different…. than…. why didn’t I try to understand and try to do something different. And it all circled back to the same perception that she is/was the victim. By the time I did hear some of the things she has said I had done the work with in myself to forgive her and set myself free in the process from “needing” from her what I would never get. I was really helped by your words and reminder about how it can be difficult to remain “conscious when childhood stuff is triggered”. I don’t know about anyone else but when I am overwhelmed I “forget” and this is why I need meetings and people in my life who will speak and remind me of the truths I need to hear. The steps,slogans and daily readings are the only thing between me and relapse into old behaviors. The first thing to go when I feel overwhelmed is self care and even though I know this I still struggle to DO what I know I need to. Thank you… your words hit the mark of what I needed to hear. I truly do not understand right now, why I feel like I am swimming in an ocean filled with narcissist and as I move along I am being grabbed at and pulled down. Sounds so dramatic as I just read it back but seeing a picture of what I feel, is how I understand what it is to me. Right now going with the waves, keeping my nose above water and breathing is all I can do. One of my children has married a narcissist and some days I feel like my heart is breaking as I see the effects on my beloved grandchild. I have been telling God I can not believe this is happening again and still…. The cruelty and twisted “logic” even though I know what and how and why sometimes feels like more than I can bear. I am powerless over narcissist I keep telling myself and my life is unmanageable…. what can I do to take care of my mental spiritual and emotional health? Today I am looking at those things I need to take care of in my own life, taxes, laundry, clean the car… etc. As my first sponsor used to tell me… Wash a window or Bake a cake, and more recently as Melody posted about getting the mind to doing something else….. call it procrastination, then so be it. Better than trying to take down Half Dome with a box of crayola’s….. using the analogy my Uncle once said to me when expressing the effect our efforts have on a narcissist. I called my brother in recovery last night boo hooing regarding a situation with one of my grandchildren. He said Sis that child has a God too. That child has a parent who is loving protective and selfless, that child has a lot more than a lot of children do. I needed to hear this. It doesn’t erase what I know that is cruel and wrong but it helped me to “remember” the difference my father and grandmother made in my life. I remembered what Alice Miller said about even one enlightened witness… it matters and as hard as it can be to accept…. sometimes all that one can do is plant the seed and ask God to watch over the tender shoot as it struggles to emerge through the hardened soil. My niece just called to tell me my sister is in the hospital with pneumonia. My thoughts with her are similar to my thoughts when my other brother is in jail, at least I know where he is and in her case now, being given the medical attention she needs. This too shall pass…. Peace and Blessings to you Karin, Thank you. Denise
Melody… Haven’t heard from you since January 10th and I’m hoping that all is well for you. You are in my heart and prayers. I wanted to take time to thank you once again for your books. I think it’s important for you to know how Grace weaves through them and uses them to speak, especially when things get rough. It’s so easy to underestimate the power of written word. This is the second year I’ve been using Journey to the Heart on an almost daily basis and wouldn’t you know that more often than not it hits the nail on the head. Thank you, thank you. Blessings always. Arohanui… Barbara
Hi Denise, Good to hear from you….sounds like you’ve been facing a lot of emotional challenges lately… lots of growth opportunities with the natural accompanying growing pains. There’s so many intentional, conscious choices involved in each day when we’re seeking healing, growth and recovery. It does get very tiring and sometimes we have to retreat, take care of ourselves and regroup. Regrouping can definitely involve all kinds of ‘distractions’ that enable us to come back to center in order to move forward again…like washing a window or baking a cake. It reminds me of soldiers on the front lines who have to face a battle then retreat to regain their strenght and resources in order to fight again. That’s the way recovery is. I believe emotional work is the hardest work there is. I know you do have a lot on your plate with all the emotional challenges with your family. Being gentle with yourself and giving yourself what you need as you live through it is so important. For so much of our lives we drove ourselves relentlessly to be/do everything everyone else wanted us to be/do. Now we need to assess our lives in terms of what we want to be/do and seek God’s guidance in making healthy decisions….because so much of it can be unconscious and we need His/Her help in living consciously….bringing light into our darkness. I have been praying that you will be able to take care of yourself each day, whatever that means for you. In reference to the situation with my mom and whether or not I felt validated by her answers to my questions (thank you for asking), I guess I would have to say yes even though I still struggle with the example she set for me of how a ‘godly’ woman lives with an emotionally abusive man. In our conversation she did acknowledge that she didn’t set a good example for me. I know I should feel more grateful or relieved by her admission but it rings hollow for me because of all the abuse I endured by following her example and by thinking I was doing what a ‘godly’ woman would do….in service to God. Everyone I know, especially my siblings, see her as the ultimate example of godliness and they would never listen to one word contrary to that idea. I haven’t even told my mom about my divorce because I sense very strongly that she would only respond with judgment and I’m not going to expose myself to that treatment. I have an older sister who is just like my mom…. I have been estranged from her for years for the very same reason. She is controlling, judgmental and totally caught up with the religious image….with all the judgment and lack of empathy that accompanies that attitude. She has followed my mom’s example as well. In my belief they are so consumed with keeping up their religious image that they will sacrifice anyone/anything to that cause. I learned years ago, by having many honest, heart-searching conversations with God, that He has nothing to do with that kind of mentality. Like you said, there’s a lot of cruelty and twisted logic and we have to keep a distance to protect ourselves. I’m sorry that you have to struggle so much with the narcissists in your life and I pray that you will be able to make healthy choices to protect yourself and let go of their destructive behaviors, especially when they affect your beloved grandchild. That’s very hard emotional work and only God can enable us to release and live in peace….knowing that only He can do what we can’t. I pray for you, as I do for myself every day, that we will be able to make healthy choices one breath at a time that will lead to life, blessing, abundance and healing. I’ve also been praying that you will be guided in your search for a job. I like to remind myself frequently that God knows what I need before I do, and He will bring you what you need too. Thanks for taking the time to write and let me know how you’re doing. Thanks for being a friend to me and for loving me where I’m at. I appreciate the opportunity to write back and forth because writing always brings me clarity and guidance. I hope the same is true for you. May you know life, light and blessing today. With much love, Karin
H Karin, Your post, your words brought tears to me. I hear so much clarity and feel the sense of you standing in the light and truth of what it is to be a Godly human being. You have a beautiful spirit… no pretense no faking just being real this is what comes across so powerfully in what you have written. I am blessed to be your friend.. I mean this with all my heart. I can hear growth and healing that you may or may not be fully aware of yet. Most of all I hear YOUR voice and what a beautiful thing to bear witness to. Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts of remembrance this really touches my heart. I just read the Feb 11th page in MLLG and realized grief is doing me not the other way around. I hear myself talking about my family, their challenges and how it affects and limits me and I know I have lost sight of Who God is. Melody is correct – We don’t do grief it does us. I’m trying to control the grief I feel in my life while resenting it’s presence, resisting and feeling angry for the reminders of what it seems to be telling me. It’s no wonder I was SO angry at my brother watching his desperation to save our sister, he was mirroring what has gone on inside of me for most of my life… the reality that loving and losing are connected in ways I would rather not acknowledge. And with it the reality that sometimes people make choices that are self destructive and it hurts to see, the reality that sometimes the people we love and need are incapable of loving us as we want or need them to, (parents), the reality that sometimes a tragedy takes a child a parent or spouse, those things we call acts of God that make no earthly sense to us. Knowing that finding a way to accept what we find zero acceptance in… is the journey we are now. I was practically screaming at my brother LET GO!!!!!!!! until I finally realized it was me who needed to Let Go. I can’t change what it is but I can change how I’m reacting to it. I have to tell you when I hear the term “godly woman” I could almost barf. I was friends with an older woman that I allowed myself to trust far too much who used this term with me and I kept trying to put on this godly woman costume to please her essentially. She knew the “christian” talk like a pro. I was taken in ( this was 20 years ago) for a time but this is where I learned that when my gut tells me something isn’t right I need to pay attention and figure out what it is. She had 2 daughters she had been estranged from for 10 years at the time she and I became friends. That should have given me pause to consider at least that maybe she had some unresolved ‘daughter’ issues, because she began to smother me with gifts and say she felt like she had a daughter. She never took any responsibility for the broken relationship with her daughters either, they were basically a disappointment because they were not …. godly women! I wasn’t godly enough either and our friendship ended on a very sour note. I was the odd duck out with my sister and mother, similar to what you spoke of with your sister and mother, because I didn’t want to “party” so I was labeled goody two shoes and made fun of by the two of them. Judgement runs in all directions it seems, too good- not good enough.. crazy isn’t it? The God of my understanding doesn’t shame and intimidate his children into obedience and godly behavior by standing over them with the threat of brutalizing them physically or emotionally. One spiritual awakening I can never forget is the day I FELT God smiling down on me…. until that moment I never pictured or felt God as loving happy kind full of compassion and true deep caring for me as His child, but I felt it that day. I didn’t feel God wanted to shame me into being good or godly, He wanted to love me into being all that He created me for. The narcissism thing with my grandchild triggers me like crazy. I have to work on my reaction to this because alienating the person who has this issue isn’t going allow me to love this child when I can. My grandmothers love made a difference in my life. It didn’t fix my mother or what was wrong but it showed me that love brings freedom and peace to our heart. The fact that you feel you can’t tell your mother about your divorce due to her reaction says it all Karin. I am glad you know this so you can protect yourself from being shamed or criticized. Rubbing salt in an open wound is not my picture of what we need nor what God uses to heal us. It brightened my day and thoughts to see your post even as I have had a hard time staying focused, but like you writing also helps me to have clarity so it is a blessing to be able to write back and forth with you for many reasons. Thank you for your prayers and know I too think and wonder how things are going for you and pray for God’s will as you face the challenges in your life. God always provides what is needed as you say when it is needed I need to meditate on this and breath…. Blessings and Peace and Love to you, Denise
Hi Denise, Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and love…they mean more than I can say. Your friendship is a great blessing to me and I gain so much from your experiences and honesty. Sometimes I can wonder how much I’m growing or how much healing I’ve gained….and your comments help me appreciate the progress I’ve made. I think so often it’s easier for an outside person to see things objectively because I get so bogged down in the details and can’t see the big picture. The emotional intensity can shift my perspective and make me lose sight of reality and my truest goals. The truth you talked about regarding ‘grief doing us’ is so true…and a continual process of surrender. I’m so grateful for Melody and her willingness/ability to share such powerful truths with the rest of us. And I’m grateful for you bringing the reminder to me. I also struggle to surrender to and therefore coexist in peace with my grief. And yet when I let the intensity of it become a friend instead of an enemy it brings me precious gifts that I know I couldn’t acquire any other way….like appreciating kindness and love through a friend like you, being more able to offer love and compassion to others in grief, seeing the beauty in the world with more sensitivity and appreciation. None of us would willingly choose grief and yet the gifts it brings are unmistakeable. Like you said, watching someone you love make destructive choices is a form of grief. We have to surrender to that pain as well. The challenge for me is to figure out how to love that person and still have healthy boundaries for myself. I think that will always be my work to do….let go and not try to fix, rescue, or control. Letting go is hard work….and so critical to our emotional well being. I remember in Melody’s book Beyond Codependency she says “for a codependent making a decision based on guilt, pity or obligation is the same as the alcoholic taking their first drink” (I’m not sure I quoted it word for word but I think it’s close) and that quote has stuck with me for years. It has helped me stop myself many times when I’ve been tempted to jump into the codependent crazy cycle…again. I appreciate your sharing your experience with the woman who appeared to be ‘godly’ (that word also makes me want to barf) yet in the end proved to be otherwise. I really struggle now with people who ‘talk’ alot about God and Christianity….it sends off huge sirens for me because my experience has proven that the people who talk alot and make a big deal about how much they know about God….they’re the ones who only care about their image and who are the least like God. They can be nice and loving when you’re going along with their agenda but once you disagree or show you have a mind of your own, they show their true colors…that it’s really all about them. I’m sorry it happened to you but it’s much better to know the truth about a person than believe they love you when they really don’t….or worse still, believe they represent God in any way. I love what you said about God smiling at you and loving you into all you’re created to be. That’s beautiful and I believe that’s who He really is. All of the pain, stresses and confusion of life can so easily and quickly take our focus off that truth. It’s easy to wonder if God is there at all…or if He is, does He really care? I know for myself choosing to spend time alone and letting solitude provide a way for me to see God’s beauty and love is a big part of keeping my focus in the right place. I have to intentionally detach and let go of all the circumstances I can’t change and surrender to letting God’s peace and light flow into my heart. That’s when I feel His smile and His love drawing me forward into the life He wants for me. It really does come down to surrender and letting go. It’s like emotional walls come down and then peace and love can flow in. I’m so glad you had a wonderful example in your grandmother who showed you the path of freedom, love and peace. It makes a huge difference to have someone show us the way….we can see and feel that it’s possible to live it. That’s one of the biggest things that motivates me in my recovery. I want to show my kids how to live in much more freedom than I experienced for most of my life. I want them to be who they are and know they’re loved no matter what. That’s also the gift we need to give ourselves every day….love and acceptance…no matter what. Thank you again for writing and for taking the time to share your journey with me….it means a lot.
Take good care of yourself…. and like you said, remember to meditate and breathe. I’ll try and do the same. Love and peace to you my friend, Karin
Hi Karin, arghhhh I just spent quite a while writing an answer to your post and I got the message about java again, tried to reload and boom it all disappeared, so frustrating!!! maybe my problems with posting aren’t all my just me after all! Anyway I want to say Thank you for your post and response. I have had some major relief as I am embracing not resisting my grief, honoring the pain that certain triggers bring with them instead of being angry at myself. I’m working on loving detachment from my family members and remembering boundaries are the expression and acknowledgement of what belongs to others and what belongs to us. I wrote down the reminder you paraphrased from Melody ” For a codependent making a decision based on guilt, pity or obligation is the same as the alcoholic taking their first drink” I think I may have this tatooed on the back of my hand! My sister is in the hospital with pnuemonia, my mother was lucky she didn’t blow her face off smoking with her oxygen cannula on as it caught fire and my brother called me last night to tell me she was going out on a medi-vac helicopter. He called today to say although her face was burned her lungs were not so he was picking her up today, unbelievable! My sister called and left a ranting msg that she was Done with me because I hadn’t come to see her at the hospital and a bunch of other nonsense. And oh well…. is how I feel, I can’t be all things to all people as my first sponsor used to tell me. The narcissist in my life are going kookoo is all I know and I am disconnecting myself from their stuff and plugging into my own life. Thank you for validating what I was saying about grief because I heard it differently, like an aha moment…. that yes watching people you love make destructive choices is a FORM OF GRIEF. It takes a lot of energy processing and cycling through these emotions. Honoring the pain and allowing it to flow through us instead of being in a wrestling match with it as I realize I have been allows acceptance and the peace it brings to coexist there too. I have been triggered with the circumstances with my grandchild and know I need to separate my stuff from this situation otherwise I will be part of the problem rather part of the solution. It can be tough to regain our equilibrium when we find ourselves triggered by a current event that brings up pain from our past. It feels like a tidal washed over me and I don’t know which way is up. But God does and most of all I need to remember to ask for His help and breath instead of holding my breath which I do when I feel overwhelmed. Thank you for corresponding with me, it is such a blessing. I feel like a kid in the candy shop when I see posts on the site (thank you Melody) and feel encouraged and reminded that this is a journey and we are not alone. It is really wonderful to sense the healing and growth in you and others whose words reflect both the struggle and the benefit gained by mindful and heartfelt cooperation with the process of finding God’s will for our lives. Take Good Care my friend. With Love,Denise
Hi Denise, I know how you feel. I get sooooo frustrated with technology when it malfunctions. My kids know it’s one of my hot buttons. In fact, they really don’t like to be around me when things aren’t doing what I want them to do, or when I can’t figure them out. It’s one of my big emotional challenges in staying calm, centered and open. Sorry you’re still losing things you write. I hope you can get it figured out soon. Also, I feel the same way you do when you say you feel like a kid in a candy store when you see a new post. I gain so much encouragement, support and inspiration from your posts and Melody’s and other people’s posts. It helps me so much to know I’m not in this alone. The battle requires our energy and commitment every day and it’s very helpful to hear of your continued awareness and your choices to focus on your healing and recovery. Like I said about your grandmother in the last post, it really does help when we see or hear of others living a life of recovery and commitment. It brings courage and hope. Thank you. And I’m impressed that the situations you are facing with your mom, sister, grandchild etc…are intense and a continual emotional battle and drain for you. I can hardly believe what happened to your mom and her being burned by trying to smoke with her oxygen on. That’s really over the top. I just shake my head when I hear of her choice and also of your sister getting so mad at you and saying she’s Done because you won’t visit her at the hospital. Those are both two very toxic situations and I’m glad you realize that you cannot be what these people need and that your only option is to disconnect as much as possible and protect your emotional, mental and physical health. I have been through so many years with the narcissists where they have taken everything I have in every way and they keep asking for more…and then get mad at me when I can’t give any more. It’s really emotional suicide when we keep engaging with them. I read an example once of what it’s like to live with a narcissist….they take everything from you and when you’re lying on the floor gasping for your last breath they ask you to get up and give them more. In my experience that’s how it feels. Like you said, we absolutely MUST draw boundaries or we will never know the life of freedom, healing and true life that God created us for. Others can continue on their narcissistic path but we have to go in a very different direction. We may have to process a lot of grief as we let go of them but eventually our work will lead to a big pay off….actually enjoying our lives. That’s a concept I’ve just really started to understand is actually possible. Most of my life has been just gutting it out and hanging on….wondering how I’m going to make it through the day. These days I’m aware that as I stay conscious and put my recovery first place….very intentional choices…I can more and more enjoy my life and who I am. It’s sad that we actually have to detach from people we wish we could have good relationships with (parents, spouses, siblings, kids etc….) but reality is what it is and peace only comes from accepting reality, not fighting it. And also in my experience narcissists do go kookoo as you said (funny way to put it) when we stop giving. I’ve experienced some crazy tantrums from narcissists when I stopped going along with what they wanted and stopped giving in unhealthy ways. Definitely clear guidance that it’s time to detach. It takes a lot of energy and we really need to do everything we can to refresh/love ourselves when our circumstances require such enormous emotional output. I have come to realize that my top things for taking care of myself are sleep, eating right, exercising, keeping my life/schedule as simple as possible (I get emotionally overwhelmed fairly easily), keeping in touch with the people in my life who are loving and supportive (like you
). These are just some of the top things that I know I need to be intentional about every day to take care of myself and enjoy my life as much as possible. It doesn’t prevent stress, conflict and all that life brings that is out of my control, but it makes ME more able to deal with the hard parts in a more healthy, emotionally stable way. I so want to live in emotional stability and consistency. Your analogy of a tidal wave is something I’ve used to help myself and others understand what happens when triggers happen and when I lose the ability to be emotionally conscious. The big triggers for me are actually like tsunami’s because they happen so deep in my emotions that initially I can be unaware of what happened (kinda like my emotions go into shock mode) and then as time goes on I start to feel the impact of them like agitation, anxiety, shut down, panic….like when the huge wave hits the shore and devastates everything. At that point I am rolling around under the water trying to find my way back to the top and start breathing again. After the wave recedes and I’m trying to catch my breath I start to feel the emotional wreckage that was caused by the quake. I’ve been through this emotional process enough that I’m getting better at recognizing it but it’s hard to stay conscious and make healthy choices when we’re under the water. We just have to wait and like you said, God knows the way and He will lead us back to where we’re standing on our feet, breathing and feeling emotionally stable once again. It’s a wild process. It makes perfect sense to me when people start experiencing ptsd symptoms they feel like they’re going crazy because it does feel like I’m out of control and losing my mind. It’s so hard to tap into what is going on when you don’t feel like you can even breathe. The whole ‘stop and breathe’ idea is so important and helpful. I can be shaking and feeling like my only option is to run away screaming but if I can just stop and breathe I can get ahold of what is going on and figure out how to take care of myself. Once again, awareness is all important. That’s what I really try and focus on every day too. It might sound myopic and too introspective to some people but for me it’s emotional survival or I will most likely end up back in emotionally unhealthy or dangerous circumstances. I pray you can cultivate awareness and know all the ways you need to take care of yourself amidst your difficult circumstances. I like how you said we need to honor our pain and let it flow through us rather than wrestle with it or try and control it. So true and the only path to peace. I also really appreciate how you said you need to detach from the situation with your grandchild or you will only be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I feel that way about detaching from my kids as they get older. I want to be part of their solutions rather than contribute to their problems. LOTS more letting go. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. I re-read all of your posts a number of times. What you write is always helpful. Thank you for taking the time…especially when you lose posts and it’s very frustrating. Please take good care of yourself and love yourself…. especially on this Valentine’s Day. Of all the people we need to love, we’re the most important! 
Love and abundance, Karin
Hi Karin, I really appreciate how you write, and the content and substance of what you express. I wonder if you could be, like myself, an introvert? I took a test years ago and truthfully was surprised to find this out, mainly because I didn’t understand what it meant. Ultimately it is how we get our batteries recharged. Extroverts recharge by being with people, introverts need solitude and quiet to refuel. This reminds me of a book I read 14 years ago my daughter bought for me called ‘Highly Sensitive People’. It was discussed in a college class she took and she thought it would be a helpful read for me, and it was. Although I love being with people, my senses are like a sponge that take in everything, and once I my tank is full of information I’m done. I didn’t understand why this was to the degree it was until I read this book. It helped me to better understand why I need to monitor the red light flashing ‘overload’ and take care of myself. My daughter told me she thought having the mother I did ( she was frightened of her) was why I would go into overload at times. But a piece of this for me was; If you come wired this way the ability to filter the toxicity is almost non existent. For what ever reason this all came to me as I have been writing ? Take what you need and leave the rest:) I have to say Karin that narcissism is by far the most difficult personality disorder /wounding I have dealt with in relationship to others. Alcoholism and drug addiction are what they are, not to over simplify the pain and suffering of those who deal with this or those who love them. Narcissism though is in another universe entirely for me. I believe it is Very prevalent today and it could be frightening except that the ability to avail ourselves of knowledge about it is equally as prevalent, Thank God. Emotional suicide IS one of the choices we have if we remain in a close relationship with a narcissist, the other is to separate your self and tenaciously guard your boundaries. I have seen people who shut down and became a shadow of them self in order to function in relationship with narcissist. I never thought of it as emotional suicide as you put it, but it is the perfect description of what will happen over time. My experience with Narcissist’s is that you will pay if you do not do as they want … you don’t know how or when only that you will. My ex-husband constantly expressed his desire for me to ‘get a career’ but when I went to school or got a job he withdrew all help and his behaviors escalated. I began to see that he would become jealous if I had any success. He wanted me to make money until my endeavors showed any promise of growth or furthering myself at which time he would sabotage by with drawing help, creating drama with the kids, coming up with a laundry list of what I wasn’t doing or his latest greatest plans for financial expansion and how I could help him achieve this. It was the same insanity I had experienced with my mother and still did when I was around her. I totally related to what you said about ‘laying on the floor gasping your last breathing and being asked to get up and give more’ . The more you do… the more is expected…..the more hoops to jump through etc. It escalates as any disorder, mental illness or disease left untreated will is what I finally understood enough, by the grace of God in my situation to be able to leave. I am up to my neck in narcissism, my child’s spouse, my mother, sister, and my brother so broken, probably suffering with mental illness and on a rampage to destroy himself and what can I do? TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! I need to maintain my mental physical emotional and spiritual well being, this is my responsibility I keep telling myself. Because if I don’t, I am part of the problem not part of the solution. My child’s spouse had a melt down with me over the weekend. My stomach hurts, I can feel my face contorting and my heart begins to pound as I walk in ( to baby sit, the spouse isn’t upset enough that I can’t do this…) and’ act as if” all is well. I have to pick my battles and this isn’t one of them. May I learn what I need to learn and may they do the same, is my prayer. I am walking it out one breath at a time and with each breath trying to remember God is in control. I met with a very dear long time friend today and what does she tell me…? She is dealing with the same. It seems to be exploding in the lives of many I know right now. So I hear myself saying also Your strength God is made perfect in weakness so I pray for knowledge of your will and the power to carry it out. What you said about staying focused and aware isn’t myopic it is in my opinion what is necessary to condition ‘muscles’ we have never used. Much like an athlete in training we are practicing practicing practicing until it becomes a part of us. It takes time and effort and risking failure to learn, grow heal and keep moving forward. There is the wisdom of the ages to draw upon and guide all of us, and as we each share our experience strength and hope we affirm it’s power to heal us IN our powerlessness, the opposites thing is so profound, we must die to live, give to get, give up to gain that which can never be taken away. I read what I need to hear and know so I can in return say what I need to learn… if this makes sense… this is what we are all doing for one another here I think. So now I am praying I don’t lose this post and if I do I have think it wasn’t meant to be and do a rewrite which might be what I am supposed to be doing! I applaud your hard work and thank you for the kind and gentle words you share, I am blessed. Love in abundance to you Karin and all who come here. Denise
Hi Denise, Your post made it through and I’m very glad it did because once again you’ve written words that are wonderful for me to read. I know what you mean about choosing to believe that if you lose something you’ve written that it was meant to be and to take it as a positive thing and then write some more….knowing that the process is always beneficial whether or not what we write actually ‘saves’ or ‘goes through’ or whatever. But I’m grateful your post made it through.
Writing for me is always a therapeutic process and I always learn through it. I try and do it every day…and when I write to you I find myself even more inspired to think and clarify my thoughts in order to make it understandable…which is even better. I want to say that when I read your first lines I got a big smile on my face. Your question as to whether I’m an introvert confirms something that I’ve already known about you….that you are a very perceptive person. Yes, I am very much an introvert and I discovered this about myself about 6 years ago when I read the books ‘The Introvert Advantage’ and ‘Introvert Power’. I was SO excited when I read them….HUGE aha! moments….and I felt for the first time that I was really getting to know myself and that all the things I’d felt and needed were actually good and felt by many other people as well. Up until that point in my life I felt ‘less than’ or selfish when I felt the need to take time to myself and I was often misunderstood by those around me. When it comes to the continuum of extroversion/introversion I am pretty much on the far end of introversion. Like you, I can enjoy socializing one-on-one or in small, intimate settings but I am drained if even that goes too long. And I am definitely not a crowd person. I am re-energized and my batteries are recharged by time alone. I crave alone time and my favorite time of the day is early morning when it’s quiet and I’m alone….and awake more than late at night (not a late-night person). Like you said, I’m also an emotional sponge and my ‘load limit’ gets reached pretty quickly when I’m with people or around noise. I’ve also read ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ and I own a copy….I think it’s so great that your daughter recognized it would be helpful for you when she read it for her college class….and that she was also able to connect the dots in regard to relationship with your mom. It’s so helpful when the people in our lives ‘get’ who we are and are supportive instead of critical. I like how you said ‘we come wired this way’. That is so true and we DO have to accept we’ve been created like we are for a very good reason and we have unique gifts/talents to offer just as much as extroverts….even though they’re not as readily visible because we’re quiet and don’t make noise when we go about our lives. And in order to live fully in our giftedness we really do have to take care of ourselves in our special way or our sensitivity, which is one of our greatest assets, will be crushed and we will live our lives numb and shut down (which is the natural result if we’re continually operating on emotional overload). I’m grateful that I have a handful of people in my life who understand and appreciate who I am and give me the space I need. For most of my life I had relationships with people where I didn’t feel free to be an introvert and I pushed myself very hard to be someone I wasn’t….far more extroverted…in order to have people like me or to please them. What a difficult and frustrating way to live….feeling like if I expressed who I really was and asked for what I needed I’d be rejected. Mostly I was dealing with narcissists who always have the ‘my way or the highway’ approach. They constantly demand a lot of support…whether financially (like your ex), emotionally, physically and if you don’t give it then, like you said, there’s hell to pay. That kind of relationship doesn’t leave any room to be an introvert or highly sensitive person. I totally agree with your perspective on narcissism…that it is the most painful and difficult personality disorder to deal with. Everything I’ve read on NPD and my counselor also says that rarely does someone with this disorder recover because they believe they have no fault therefore they have nothing to change. And also, like in my relationships with narcissists, if you add on top of it that they claim to have a close relationship with God and they’re like the voice of God, that pretty much makes it an impenetrable barrier. I shudder when I think of all the years I dealt with it….it was so hard. But like you said, Thank God for all the information we now have to give us understanding and guidance. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it with your child’s spouse and I will pray that you will have wisdom to know the choices you need to make that will bring about life and healing. It is definitely a one-breath-at-a-time process. And YES, God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness and we do have the wisdom of the ages to draw upon when we’re up against circumstances that are waaaay beyond our power to change and control. AMEN. I’ve seen God come through many times when I’ve done what I felt like He was leading me to do and then He ‘handled’ the narcissists and worked in my circumstances to bring about good for me and others. What it really comes down to for me is focusing on the choices I can make and being careful to check my motives…..am I trying to fix, control, rescue, manipulate? If so, I need to back off and make a different choice. But if I can say I am coming from a healthy place of giving….no strings attached and without those unhealthy motives… then I can usually proceed. I pray every day that God will enable me to know my motives and stop me from making codependent choices. I know I constantly need His intervention to break out of patterns I lived in for 40+ years of my life. And YES, I think the most important factor is to have the overall theme in every choice we make be TAKING GOOD CARE OF OURSELVES….especially when we do have such specific needs as introverts and HSP’s. I really like your analogy of the athlete in training conditioning their muscles. Your perspective of practicing, practicing, practicing is excellent. In this world it’s so easy to underestimate ‘emotional practicing’ because it’s not visible or tangible and we tend to focus much more on the tangibles than intangibles. But when it comes down to it, the intangibles in our lives are what really give us what we need and want…truth, peace, contentment, strength, healing, growth. I’m glad you had the opportunity to meet with a dear, long-time friend and to gain support and encouragement through your time with her. I also have several long-time friends who are facing similar difficult circumstances and seeking every day to discern God’s will and move forward in their lives. Whenever I get a chance to talk to them we always encourage each other to just keep trusting God, focus on doing our part and taking good care of ourselves…whatever that may be moment to moment. I am so grateful for you, Melody, and other women that God has placed in my life who understand me and are a safe place to turn to for emotional support. (I thank Melody and Chip again for making this site a place for us to connect). As I sit in the early morning hours writing these words, I feel so very grateful and blessed to have your friendship and also this opportunity to read your thoughts and to share mine with you. I am also very impressed with how you write and communicate….but then that’s one of the strong points of us introverts….we’re quite good at expressing ourselves in writing 
. I wish you a blessed day and pray that one breath at a time you will experience the grace to take very good care of yourself and makes choices that will bring about life, healing and freedom. I pray that we will be able to let go of all we need to let go of and embrace all we need to embrace. Thank you once again for taking the time to share your journey with me. Much Love, peace and blessing to you Denise 
. Karin
Hi Karin or as my good friend and I sometimes call one another fellow HSP! After reading the book I gave it to a close friend who I thought would benefit from it. She read it, bought her own copy and like you ,it was for her and I both the sense of breathing this huge sigh of relief that this is who we are and no longer felt shame or the need to apologize for it. We have a joke that we should each get a phone with a red light like you see in hotel rooms, and if the light is on 2 or 3 in the morning because we both have insomnia, we can call! One of my my anti dotes to late night or early AM fretting now, is being able to get up and write here. I found the opposites thing to be a sacred challenge with my ex-husband. He was an extreme extrovert and understanding that he too came wired this way presented me with an opportunity to practice acceptance for those things I could not change and to monitor and pay attention to what I was doing, needed or didn’t, changing the things I could, instead of obsessing about his actions. The many unique ways human beings come wired is a source of never ending amazement for me. Like I have heard it said (paraphrased) if two people are exactly the same one of you would be unnecessary! One thing I want to say about narcissism is it is about a wounding in early development. The reason I feel I must remind myself of this is so that I do not lose sight of my humanity. A friend and I were married about the same time and walked out a very similar path in our marriages. She was a few years ahead of me so as I witnessed her marriage unraveling and we shared with one another I could see what I was most likely facing down the road. She always wanted to work as a child psychologist so after her divorce she went back to school got her LMFCC , specialized in play therapy with children, and wrote and illustrated a book for children as well. She helped me to understand that the cause was about ‘wounding’ in the very early development of an individual whose characteristics reflect this disorder. This doesn’t lessen the effects of dealing with it in relationship but it did help me have compassion for cause and effect and to remind myself that this is a child of God, not a monster to judge and condemn. She forgave her ex husband ( it was a process )and found a way to bring blessing and understanding from what she experienced. I find my own humanity rests with speaking the truth in love. I am not sure how to do this except to speak the truth about my experience minus bashing and blaming, remove the victim glasses from my eyes, asking God to give me the awareness of how I am in relationship with others, as right and as wrong as those whose inventory I might be taking and seek to find God’s will for my life. After I wrestled with my anger, sadness insanity and grief as I received one phone call or dealt with one circumstance after another last week that I was absolutely powerless to do anything what so ever about, finally beaten to a pulp by the dialog in my head I surrendered. I wish I could have by passed the MMA beating I inflicted on myself but the duration was a few days instead of a few months as it once could be. Progress not perfection. I would have rather poked myself in the eye than to have dealt with what” I imagined” I was going to, in the situation with my child’s spouse, but I worked on cleaning up my side of the street, thinking on all that I loved enjoyed and respected about this person. And guess what? The peace that passes all understanding is all that I could feel when I came in the next morning. The storms and sunny days alike come and go. I thought….. if it’s raining get out your umbrella and if it’s 100 degrees out put on your sun block, if you don’t have either then dance in the rain and look for the shade of a tree. The storm may bring a tornado or not, the sun bring drought or not and if either happens you will deal with it… then. I shared with Melody on the Grief Club site that I received a call from the social worker ( her name is Melody too!) that she was hearing on the news that my brother tried to kill? our mother, actually there was no trying if he wanted to he would have, but he did harm her, and was arrested. This is his 3rd strike so we know this means a life sentence. My other brother calls me from the hospital to let me know mom’s arm is being looked at then adds that he had been sitting with and talking to a man he dearly loved in the fellowship who was also there. He said he had been a roofer until he fell 60 feet three years ago and became a quadriplegic. He was there because his wife crazed on something, took his arm and twisted it behind his head and broke it. He said this man was helping him and reminding him that God is control. I couldn’t help but think about the contrast of between looking to God and being lost in the brokenness of self. Funny thing, I’m reading a book right now I picked up at thrift store called ” Unbroken”, a memoir. I agree with what you shared about what a gift it is to understand and be understood, and to walk in the awareness that we all have something to contribute each in our own one of a kind way. It really is amazing that we can write, connect and share our struggles and victories on this machine! Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope with me Karin. I too find blessedness and consolation and in what you and other women in my life share. May your day be filled with rest and peace my friend. Denise
Hi Denise, Words can’t express how deeply sorry I am for the pain you’re going through in connection with your mom and siblings. This life can be so excruciatingly painful. My prayer is that God will help/heal them in the ways that only He can and that you will be able to take care of yourself and know the boundaries you need to draw and hold in order to do so. I totally agree with your comments about narcissism and the deep wounding that takes place early in life. It is important to have an awareness that the cruelty and destruction that comes from a narcissist is a direct result of their deep pain (I’ve known that about my ex for a long time). That’s the truth and you’re right, we do need to stay connected to our humanity and see the root cause for what it is. The challenge for me is feeling the compassion for that wounded child of God and at the same time knowing I have to draw my boundaries and keep my distance or they will continue to damage or ultimately destroy me. I have been criticized and condemned by numerous narcissists in my life because they have viewed my actions to protect myself as the opposite of loving and compassionate. I guess for me it comes down to realizing that while I may have compassion on them as human beings, I have to have even more compassion for myself and my healing process. That’s what I didn’t do for most of my life. Starting at a very young age I put all the narcissists in first place and kept accumulating more and more damage up until about the age of 40….which was when I began gaining the awareness and courage to start protecting myself from their abuse. Honestly, I’ve had to literally turn off feelings of compassion many times because as an HSP it was torment to have people telling me ‘how can you be so cruel?’ when in reality it was them being cruel to me. I had to disconnect from compassion in order to focus on protecting myself. Does that make sense? I’m very glad to hear you’ve been able to feel peace in regard to your child’s spouse. That’s excellent. I agree that we do need to examine our attitudes and do our work in order to gain a different perspective at times… and as you said ‘clean up our own side of the street’. I’ve experienced that dynamic too. Some interactions with narcissists can provide excellent opportunities for growth and healing , while others only result in pain and damage. It’s an interesting path we have to walk in discerning which is which on a regular basis. As you referenced your friend who walked a similar path in her marriage as you, I have also been experiencing more healing with my ex recently that I never could have imagined. Mostly for my kids sake I have kept my heart open to him (in very careful ways) as a friend and God has brought about some truly miraculous healing between us in recent months. So I guess we each just have to determine how much we need to stay open, if at all, and let time pass. Believe me, it’s been a long process of healing but after many years I can actually see the glimmer of hope that the pain will recede in time. I know that some relationships can be saved and some can’t…..all we can do is our part and let the rest go. In your situation with your mom and you siblings, I know it has been such a long, painful journey for you and I pray that God will bring you healing as only He can, one breath at a time. I like your analogy of stormy days and sunny days, and doing the best we can to care for ourselves given the circumstances that are outside our control. It’s always about awareness isn’t it? Knowing/doing my part and trusting God with the rest. I’ve also read the book ‘Unbroken’….a very inspiring story of one man’s deep pain and healing. Another example of life coming from death, as you’ve said. Looking to God in the midst of brokenness makes all the difference, otherwise it’s just unredeemed pain. Like the quadriplegic reminding your brother that God is in control. Truly amazing. I draw strength, inspiration and courage from your words and his. Thank you for sharing. As a fellow HSP, I truly appreciate your insights and ability to learn and grow from your challenges. And I like the idea of the red light on the phone….alerting another HSP that we’re going through an ‘episode’. That makes me smile
. I agree that being able to write here, whatever time of day, provides some great therapy and connection to others that helps ease our anxieties. What a precious gift. You’re in my thoughts and prayers…and your family too. May your know beauty, blessing and peace in every way possible today. With much love, Karin
Hi Fellow HSP:) I have to say amen to each and every thing you shared. Just know that what I wrote about needing to remember that narcissism is a wounding was FOR myself. I can get going on this subject and take a flying leap off the deep end. My challenge is the same as your own, having compassion AND keeping my boundaries. I try to remember to use the analogies of putting on my own oxygen mask first ( not last, hence laying on the floor gasping for breath! ) and being correctly trained or equipped if I am going in the water to save a drowning person, so we both don’t go down. I can detach in anger, hurt, and fear, but detaching in and with love require the practice of a daily discipline that does not come naturally to me. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me? What I have come to understand with narcissist wounding is that words both said and unsaid do in fact have power to bring harm. I found in trying to have honest communication with narcissism the words: I’m rubber your glue everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you, apply. Meaning for me that the expression of….real, ownership, response- ability, and the desire for true intimacy are not present. So may my words be tempered with grace and truth, kindness, compassion and mercy always and anyway, but in this circumstance I find’ loving my neighbor as myself ‘ to apply in that profound “opposites” way that God has set in order. Nothing is wasted. If what I said didn’t couldn’t be heard well coming back and sticking to me if said in love and truth isn’t a bad deal. I didn’t know what I didn’t know but I learned and will always be learning and in this I have no regret. When I consider now that what I wanted was, to feel esteemed and valued by a human being that was never given this either, it allows me to see the true sense of powerlessness both parties have in it’s correct perspective. In regard to all of this with a parent… I was given the gift of life through the vessel God knew or ordained, how ever that works, I survived and in time learned in spite of and because of what I experienced thriving is an option too. I’m here now with free will to make of the life God gave me what I may. Things have to be simple for me, Have To Be. I have the ability to over complicate putting a stamp on letter so Keeping it Simple is a gift I CAN give myself. This is probably one reason I love being and working with children, being in nature, growing a garden, being with animals, because they are closer to God than the mumbo jumbo I find in the world. I was in my early 30′s when I first read the quote by Elinor Roosevelt ” No one can do anything to me with out my permission” WOW is how it hit me…. really? This implied what I had the power TO change. And if anyone or anything were to have the power to do anything to me with out my permission, what they or life circumstance, still didn’t have was the power to determine my attitude about it. I remained home through out all these episodes and events with my family, didn’t put on my cape and try to rescue. When I heard insanity, my own and others I asked God to help me hear what He knew I needed to hear, in my words and theirs. My brother in recovery calls me almost every afternoon while on his walk with his two dogs, Lulu and Job( as in the Bible), I love these names, and what a gift his calls are. The shared history we have with a sibling, can be (if they are conscious) a blessed source of validation with out all the words of explanation. He can say… you know how it is with mom and that covers it all. We both know what happened to our younger brother and the price he paid as a child and the price he continues to pay unconscious that it is he who keeps resetting the destruct button a parent set into motion 50 years ago. We are his enlightened witnesses and he is ours. I so get what you shared about having to hit the off switch of compassion, it can be the blessing and the curse. A curse when we don’t have it for our self and give it away leaving our own tank empty. IT does make total sense to unplug from the compassion and assistance we give to our own detriment. When out motives are pure and in the right place it is also good to remember our movements towards change are usually not met with Hooray!!! but rather as you said, how cruel, selfish and unchristian we are (this is what I heard). I am so glad to hear that you are experiencing healing in the situation with your ex-husband! I hear what you are saying about keeping your heart open ( about you for your healing) while being aware and present with what you must do to protect yourself. Amen! We didn’t have this option as children but we can certainly love and re-parent our selves today.I hope your 8 year old self is finding her smile, the real kind that comes from the freedom and safety to be who she is…. as the knowing settles in one day, breath, and experience at a time that she always always DESERVED to be loved unconditionally as we all do and did. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and sharing from your heart! Yesterday as I was praying I felt myself feeling more not less anxious…. like I was asking for too much and trying to justify it to God as if I were being graded on my presentation!!! My reading in one of my daily meditation books ( I have 6 and believe me I need everyone) gave me a much needed reminder today of the bottom line ” We may feel our prayers are awkward and our attempts are feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it and not the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference .” I will be attending the women of faith conference this Saturday with a friend, neither of us have been in years but I am so looking forward to going this year. The timing is perfect. I keep you and your loved ones in my prayers also. And I think of all who come here seeking hope, encouragement and relief both from and IN the situations they may be facing in their lives. I also pray that as we grow through the pain that we can also remember the promises. Somehow, someway I can not begin to understand .. beauty will come from the ashes. With Much Love back at you my friend, Denise
Hi Denise/fellow HSP
, Thank you so much once again for your gracious words of insight, wisdom and love. I am, as always, amazed by what you share and how you so often put into words what I feel and what I need to hear. I so appreciate your responses to what I write….you make me feel heard and understood…thank you. I know you were only referring to your experience when you talked about narcissists and wounding. I so much appreciate your perspective and sharing your feelings about what you’ve experienced. As you said to me, I say a hearty amen to everything you said as well. When I started learning about NPD about 10 years ago it totally blew my mind. It was like I couldn’t believe what I was dealing with….and when I would share it with other people I would get the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. It really is hard to believe what the reality is and yet we HAVE to deal with the reality or we will suffer dire consequences. It’s just so very, very relieving to have you validate and say things I have thought many times and not been able to communicate with anyone else who’s been through something similar. I’m so glad you have your brother to talk to about your struggles/recovery and realities with your mom and other siblings (and I love the names of his dogs…Lulu and Job…too cute). Being able to help and encourage each other is a beautiful thing. I also really appreciate how you mentioned keeping things simple. I say a resounding AMEN to that too. That’s my goal every day and I know it makes a huge difference in my emotional and mental health when I take it seriously….awareness of frequent, intentional steps to keep things simple. I don’t do well with stress and rushing, so I have to be careful not to put too much into one day and allow myself time to do things or get to places without rushing. It’s in a million little details and they can add up very quickly….one way or the other. And I also really relate to you about being in nature, being with animals and children….because you feel closer to God than in all the mumbo jumbo of the world. That’s exactly the way I feel. I wonder….have you ever heard of the term ‘empath’? It’s pretty much like being an HSP with just a little different spin. I learned several years ago that it also describes me. One of the qualities is enjoying animals and children because their energy is so innocent and pure….it doesn’t bog us down or overwhelm us like adults who carry so much more emotional baggage and negative energy. I find myself drawn to looking at animals and children everywhere I go. I can’t go to the grocery store without smiling at all the babies and little kids in the carts with their moms. I usually get a smile in return and it just makes my day. Every time I’m with my dogs they make me smile. I get so much joy from watching them. Being out in nature every day is big for me too. I just love to take deep breaths and drink in the beauty all around me. It’s so centering. These are definitely the ‘simple’ things of life that make a huge difference every day. And thank you so much for your comment about my 8-year-old self finding her smile….the real kind that comes from the freedom and safety to be who she is….and knowing that I deserve to be loved unconditionally. That is one of the kindest, most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me and it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you…. that little girl inside me greatly appreciates your kindness and love 
. I also really appreciate that you read multiple meditation books every day. I do too. I really like the quote about our prayers being awkward and feeble, but the power of our prayers doesn’t lie in our words but in the heart of the One who hears our prayers. I’m so grateful that’s true because I always feel inadequate to express everything I feel. And I’m so glad you can attend the women’s conference this weekend! I hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself and are greatly blessed by your time there. You deserve it! Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers. God is working beautiful things in my life and I pray the same for you. I agree with you regarding growing through the pain and remembering the promises all at the same time. Beauty from ashes. Amen. Beauty, blessing and love to you my friend. Thank you again for taking the time to share your life with me. Karin
Hi Karin, Arrrgghhh again… another post lost in cyber space! All I can think is it wasn’t meant to be…. so on to the next one:) I downloaded what I thought was just a daily quote thing and it became my opening page and search engine, and now everything on my computer is slowed down and acting weird. I have a friend who worked in the computer field for 29 yrs who I am going to send a distress call out to! Thank you for all that you share, it is such a blessing to find a kindred HSP spirit in this world! It seems to me that understanding and being understood, is the solution and bottom line of our journey here. God has certainly given us an amazing classroom to learn and practice in:) I have heard the term empath before but didn’t know what it meant. So I looked it up and discovered it only described how I feel every minute of everyday. Same as reading HSP it is a relief to know “it’s not just me” what ever in the world that is suppose to mean! Actually it is me and it is okay that it is. It is also a challenge but knowing the why helps. Understanding these pieces makes perfect sense why I was drawn to working in Special Ed. When kids would tell me how hard something was for them, it resonated. I could tell them about the challenges I had in school, and they would laugh and we could find common ground… so important for us all to feel I believe. I had the same reaction you described when I first read about NPD, relief and validation along with my mind being blown! I also experienced the deer in the headlights look from people which felt hurtful to me…. like this is all in your imagination. More crazy making added to an already dumbfounding mind boggling situation. I saw a man with NPD on Dr Phil’s show yesterday ( my opinion ) and I observed how he said the right things ( with no affect ) and DID exactly the opposite. Dr Phil and the FBI polygraph expert were both So irritated and angry with him when all was said and done they were just shaking their heads in disgust. The show was about a 13 or 14 yr old boy, Dillion, who has been missing since Nov, and his father was the last person he was with. Because his explanation didn’t make sense, his ex-wife and wives and other children were all suspicious and doubtful of his story, as well as law enforcement too. His focus was that he was the victim and what an imposition to be asked to take a polygraph….. and in the end after 100% agreement to take the polygraph he led them down one rabbit trail after another with the pretense that he really wanted to do this, no problem, then didn’t. The show ended up being all about him I think that anyone who has dealt with NPD saw the train wreck it really was. I know I did and yet still held my breath at certain points thinking okay maybe now he’ll take the test…. but he just continued to slide by. As Dr Phil said at the end of the show there is no indictment here, no proof, no accusations are being made etc, all the PC disclaimers someone in his position has to say. And the mother and brother sat there with that look I know all too well…. of what just happened here? It is a no win situation is what I know today so I stay away from this as much as it is within my power to do so, and my life is reasonably happy and so am I! I do get, really get what you share. I am glad to know you have the refuge and safety today to be able to take care of yourself. So glad:) The conference was great. My friend and I really enjoyed the speaker Shelia Walsh and the group Selah, I love their music! Have you heard of them or listened to their CD’s? The one I purchased at the conference is “Hope of the Broken World” really inspirational and comforting listening. The young gal in the group is quite a character too. She spoke about her struggles with weight and she was So Real and had everyone roaring in laughter because she said what most people think but don’t say… such a relief is how I feel when I hear real:) Well I have a long To Do list that isn’t getting done so (fingers crossed again) I hope this post goes through. I am so glad to hear of the encouragements that are shining into your life. Redemption… I came away last weekend thinking is…. beauty from the ashes, on this side. The Peace that passes all understanding is my wish for us all IN whatever we face today. With Love, Denise
Hi Denise, sister HSP and empath, You are so funny…. I could hear your exclamation of frustration through cyber space! Good recovery though
. I’m so glad your post made it through…I don’t know what the other post said but this one is so full of great wisdom, insights, reflections and humor. Thank you for persevering and writing it. I always read your posts numerous times. They contain a wealth information for me. I like what you said, that this Journey God has us on is about understanding and being understood. That really is a moment-to-moment process isn’t it? And yes, the classroom of living on this planet in human bodies surrounded by nature and other human bodies is a constant flow of opportunities. For me I know most of those opportunities blow right past me because I can’t take in much at once…but I realize that the lessons I’m supposed to ‘get’ often jump out at me in technicolor…then I have the choice of whether or not I will ‘see’ and ‘hear’. Those choices come every day….whether it’s just in the quiet with our own thoughts or something coming to us from the outside. The danger lies in being numb when the messages come and that usually happens because I’ve allowed too much stimulation and stress to take over. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Practice, practice, practice. I’m glad you found the empath info helpful in understanding yourself more. When I first read the description a few years ago it took my breath away….I don’t want to sound dramatic but I felt so understood in that moment…like never before. I don’t know all the reasons why God wired me like that but I do want to appreciate my special wiring and surrender to the reality of taking care of myself as I am. Yes, your working with special needs kids definitely highlights who you are and your giftedness. They are often so much simpler and more full of joy. Pure souls. And then you have the man you talked about on the Dr. Phil show. I didn’t see the show but I can picture him in my mind. I know all too well the reality of words being spoken without affect and then every action contradicting the words. I’ve been on the receiving end of that so many times. I’m not glad that the man has a clear case of NPD but I am glad that Dr. Phil and the FBI polygraph expert had the same reaction you and I have had in our experience with NPD. That feels validating. It just seems impossible to believe yet we see it with our own eyes and we know it’s happening. I am glad that we are both much more aware of taking care of ourselves and staying out of the line of continual fire that inevitably happens around a narcissist. The thing that I have experienced, even recently, is how charming and appealing they can be. It is SO easy to be sucked in. But I’m thankful to say I now have bells and whistles go off soon after encountering them that I never would have heard or listened to earlier in my life. As HSP’s and empaths we absorb energy so quickly and it’s so important to be aware of the vibes we are sensing at any given moment. Most of my life I just brushed them off because I didn’t understand. I’m so happy you enjoyed the conference. I have heard of Sheila Walsh and Selah. Yes, it is always SO refreshing when a person is real about their struggles and talks about them with humor. Laughing is such a relief anytime. To laugh at the quirks and challenges of who we are really does help so much. A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about our recovery and we laughed so hard when we discussed how easy it is to look at someone else and see the work they need to do but we choose to overlook our own work. It’s so easy to say ‘oh my gosh, how pathetic is that??’ or ‘that is sooo sad, why doesn’t she get it?’ when at the same time we’re living the same dysfunction but not wanting to deal. It’s true and it’s good to laugh at it. That makes me think of a book I read this week called ‘Silencing the Self’. It’s about women and depression. When we’re depressed we don’t laugh at anything because we don’t feel anything. I’ve been there so much of my life and I didn’t even know it at the time. I looked ok on the outside but was totally numb on the inside. It’s an awesome book and the theme is we have to tune into our feelings, wants and needs and express them in order to stay out of or recover from depression. I’ve been writing emails to myself about what I want. I just try to free flow. I’ve been doing this work for a while but I still often feel at a loss to say what I want. The book is filled with the same kind of stories by many women. They have revolved around others for so long they don’t have a clue what they want. Then if they do tune in they are criticized, dismissed, abused, rejected. I recently became more aware of how I need to go to a deeper level to cultivate what I want. It’s critical in knowing who we really are and living the lives God created us to live. The majority of the women in the book had mothers who set the example of being ‘selfless’ and catering to others continually, especially men, often in the context of setting a good example of what a woman should be. Isn’t that just so sad? We really believe it, and we believe it with the best of intentions. Anyway, I could go on and on because it’s such a HUGE factor in healing and recovery. I recently expressed some needs and wants to someone and wasn’t received well…and then I was validated when I read in another book ( called ‘I Know I’m In There Somewhere’)…. ‘you sense that if you were to be honest and open, saying what you know, sense, feel and want, he/she would leave. The only way to find this out is to follow your inner truth, honestly saying or showing what you are afraid will drive him/her away. If it doesn’t then you have learned something very valuable about yourself and the other person, and you’ve deepened your relationship. If it does, you’ve lost an illusion, a false relationship. It’s false, because if the ‘love’ you receive from someone is making your soul shine less brightly, then that itself indicates a deficiency in that person’s love for you’. Isn’t that powerful? I need frequent reminders like that because my default setting is discounting my feelings, wants and needs and not expressing them. May we grow stronger expressing ourselves each day. May we know that our feelings, wants and needs matter and may we have the courage to communicate them, no matter what. Thanks again for writing. God Bless You with peace, light, love and joy….IN whatever you face today. From your HSP, empath friend…with much love, Karin
Hi Karin, It is always such a deeply felt blessing to read your post and all that you share. I am inspired as I read about about your journey and to ‘ hear ‘ the insights and awareness’s you gain from one post to the next. It is so exciting when a spiritual awakening occurs and one more chain that binds us to misery falls away! Woo Hoo! I get what you said about feeling afraid to honestly express what you ‘really’ think, need, or want because it may cause the other person to be angry with us or go away. I went to every Cloud and Townsend conference that came into my area back in the days when they were doing this… gosh I miss those conferences, they are such great teachers (still teaching, just on the radio now) . During one conference devoted to Boundaries this is how they addressed what you spoke of: If you want to find out how much someone loves you Observe how they respond to your No. Those who claim to love us will love our No as much as they love our Yes. It was an epiphany and aha for me as I began to test these waters. My circle of “friends and family” shrunk quite a bit after I started using my No. My sister would call me three and four times after I would tell I could not do something for her. She would ask Why and I would tell her I have other plans. Then she would call back again and ask for something else or ‘just to talk’. Answering machines had just come into use at that time and it wasn’t unusual to have many msgs from her each day. My counselor at the time said it sounded as if she might be suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. My detaching in love ( not an emotional cut off ) was unacceptable to her. She went berserk when I was no longer available 24/7 for her. She began to up the ante as she realized I was getting my own life and created some horrific drama’s with the last being her accusation of me of stealing a box of her ‘valuables” which I had no knowledge even existed nor would steal to begin with. She and my husband though were in contact, and had been unknown to me, all along throughout our marriage. I found out later it was under the pretense of their drug use, buying selling etc. He allowed her to come to our home one morning while I was asleep. She stormed into my bedroom and stood over me screaming: Give me my box of valuables! I was mortified. I told her again for the hundredth time I had no idea what she was talking about and that she had to leave. After she was gone I asked my husband and I was very upset, how he could allow something like this KNOWING I had nothing in our home that belonged to her AND without my knowledge? He snapped and a rampage ensued. He destroyed our bedroom throwing nightstands across the room in the process breaking ceiling fans lights taking clothing out of the closet and dressers then went on to the laundry room breaking and destroying things there then… got his hand gun and forced me onto a chair at the kitchen table and told me to shoot myself. I tried to get up and run away and he would chase after me pick me up and set me down in the chair and again try to put the gun in my hand and tell me to shoot myself. I believed I was going to die. Unbelievably, in the midst of this my sister returned to our home with the Police. My husband immediately de-escalated. The Police knocked on the door and I answered it. They said: your sister thinks you have something that belongs to her, can we come in with her to check? I said: Do I have the right to refuse permission? He said: you do. So I did. I was asked why by more than one person why I didn’t allow the Police to come in and tell them what was happening? Those who understand what emotional battering does don’t ask this question. You have NO concept that you have any power, you fear what will happen if you say anything or leave far more than what will happen if you stay. He finished looking over the plans for a job after the police left as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred then went to work. I called someone who came and saw what he did because I was on the verge of hysteria felt as if I was crumbling on the inside. She told me I could stay the night at her home. My son and daughter were in their latter years of High School at this time both with cars. I waited until they came home and told them their father had gone into a rage and made this mess, and I was going to stay the night at so and so’s and would be back the next day. I told them their father needed to clean up what he had done, not them or I and asked them to please leave it for him to do so. We walked around this wreckage for almost a week before he finally picked it up. The woman I stayed with that night was the “honorable christian” woman I referred to in an earlier post. In the end after the divorce, she justified everything He did with her Bible in her hand, explaining that because I was not an honorable Godly submissive wife I drove him to using alcohol drugs and cheating…. it was mind numbing and incomprehensible. My sponsor who was also the mother I never had, to me, had just died of cancer and crazy with grief I had stopped going to my Al-Anon meetings because I was so angry at God for taking her. Within 6 mths 4 close people to me had died also and I was depressed but didn’t realize it. My son’s best friend from 1st grade ( he was 18 ) had committed suicide and his mother and I were very closem as well as the fact that I loved this young man and had known him all these years. Her husband had also just died at 41 a few months prior to this of cancer, it felt unreal. I do not know how she went on, except that she had 3 younger daughters to take care of, but irregardless, it was a horrific journey for her and all I knew to do was to be there and listen. All of this to say I felt the storms of life were beating me down and my home was falling in around me. The situation I spoke of earlier with my then husband happened in the same time frame. All I could think of was how was I going to help my children get launched into their adult lives. I knew their father would in a divorce be able and capable of taking virtually everything, which he did. I felt the powerlessness of a child. My Al-Anon friends and other wonderful friends outside the fellowship, hung in there with me while I was isolating and angry through out this time, and just loved me through it. Thank God because I was hanging on by a very thin and unraveling thread and they were the voices of loving unconditional acceptance and reason in my life. Things got worse before they got better, but they did get better after I left, even though I could in no way see or feel this for the first 3 years. The second year out was the worst. As the numbness wore off and the realization I didn’t have a pot to pee in, and my kids and I had lost our home, I felt like a black hole had opened up and swallowed all that made my life,my life as the mountain of losses seemed to be growing ever higher. But I had a job and people let me stay with them and little by little I began to understand how fortunate I was to have escaped a burning building with my life. My son and daughter had the gift of recovery while growing up, as imperfect as I and my walk and journey was through out those years I didn’t give up. Today I can give myself credit for this. Today I see the difference for them. They understand things I had no clue about.The greatest gifts I got for my birthday this year and really every year are the cards my son and daughter give me. My son’s card show a cartoon cat with a nap sap over his shoulder on it with the words: Mom, there were times when running way from home seemed like a good idea… then on the inside it says: but you never did, along with his blessed expression of thanks and love. My daughters cards show a mother polar bear with one arm wrapped around her baby and they are nose to nose, inside it says: Before I knew anything else, I knew how it felt to be loved. I weep when I get these cards. In spite of my faults, and all I used to beat myself up over not doing, my children knew I did the best I could and that I loved them with all of my imperfect heart. These cards remind me of who I was working to be, the slow painful imperfect but sacred process that took place in front of them everyday. That they understand this about me allows me to acknowledge to myself that I matter. Our children can make choices based on information that my generation, yours and Melody’s were unconsciously unconscious of, as were our parents. My adult child married to a spouse with what I referred to as narcissism, may or may not suffer with this, but I have to keep reminding myself…. it is not job to identify what it is or isn’t or my journey to walk out. My adult child has taken steps to help him/herself first and foremost with the benefit of information and knowledge I only wish I could have known. If the goal is to shine a light of awareness onto those things unknown or unspoken of, and we have set the wheels of change for the better into motion, then I find great comfort in knowing I have done and will continue to do what I can. When I know better I can do better as Maya Angelou has said. And most of all that it matters. I don’t do this, or anything else perfectly, but today I see progress not perfection as the reality of what I AM capable of. And I could fill a library with the mental inventory’s I have taken of others, wondering why they don’t see what is so obvious to me and how to fix it, while doing the same thing myself!!! One of the greatest days and awareness’s in my life was when I realized this was one of the ways I distracted myself from doing what I needed to in my own life. The more afraid confused and helpless I felt within, the more I tried to control what was going on outside of myself. Today I know this is a red flag that I am not minding my own business, and most likely avoiding something I really need to do. Where impermeable walls used to protect my heart from further harm, I now see a fence with a gate that opens and closes, and with it the landscape beyond. It is all at once beautiful and frightening, the mountains and trees and birds singing are as real as the garbage at the curb and the possibility of a burgler in the middle of the night. But I can allow the beauty in and know that God walks with me as both ‘rear guard and point man’ and helps me to discern what and how to keep out that which is harmful to me. Many years ago when I did an intervention for my husband,my brother, who participated, told me something his sponsor told him prior to his involvement, which I have never forgot. He said; Don’t go at this as though you are trying to kill a rat in a dark room. I have since caught myself thinking about this perception when confronted with a person place or thing that feels intimidating or violating to me. I want it to go away! Today I tell myself …I want how I feel about it to be changed…. what is my lesson? How can I change my perception or attitude or gain understanding into what it is about it, that causes my reaction to it? I found depression and repression inextricably linked in my life. I had two ways of expressing myself when I did not know how to really say what I felt, 1. I was tired. 2. I was sick. And I was both sick and tired, I just didn’t know how to apply the medicine I needed to get well. I had frequent bouts of tonsilitis manifesting in swollen glands in my neck and throat. After I began recovery, seeing a counselor and all the other tools I could possibly find, my sore throats vanished, my energy level soared and the added pounds of protection I carried melted away too. There were so many layers of stuff. I would deal with one and a spot light would show me another. Each ism as I learned to call my issues had roots in…? That was what I learned I needed to discover. No quick fix diets or Dr visits or caffeine or any of the other things I had used to survive and get through were the answers. But they did help me to get through, long enough, to get to the real solutions and healing that I was unconsciously really seeking. Thank God and I mean this with all of my heart and soul. Thank you God. I understand now why I have what a friend and I call the gag reflex to certain situations. Any sense of being repressed, blamed, shamed ( the worst in my mind) controlled manipulated or smothered now set off the sirens and I run not walk away from ( sometimes I can only do this mentally) these forms of toxic interaction. And I know I will be MENTAL if I don’t! I have to say with regard to the book ” Silencing the Self” ( I’m going to get it ) my experience with my mother was that she played the role of selfless while in reality the home and family revolved entirely around her needs wants and moods. My ex-husbands mother fells into the catagory of trying to be the perfect and good wife. I really connected with her to begin with, I admired her ( still do, passed on so now she knows for sure !) and I tried to be like her. But…. it was about a role, not joy in being all that she was and capable of being and doing. And as I watched the repercussions in her life, being defined only by what she did or could do for her family I became the antagonist in this family’s eyes because I didn’t want my entire life swallowed up in this role, and didn’t want this to happen. Have you ever read “Women Who Run with the Wolves”? I may have already asked you this before. It is an excellent book about this topic as well as the many ways we imprison or allow ourselves to be limited or imprisoned by the society or group think of the culture we live in. I wish it would be a required read for girls in High School with discussion and older women as guest speaker who would share their experiences, as part of the curriculum. I LOVE your idea about sending yourself e-mails!!
I am going to start doing this, what a great way to remind ones self through yet another medium of what ever is relevant and needed in the present. YES!! May we listen to ourselves and others with the same sense of unconditional acceptance for exactly where we are minus judgement and condemnation I once let 2 parakeets my daughter had out of their cage and into the ‘wild’ because all I could see were birds with wings that could not fly. It tortured me. It was likely that fell prey to any number of possibilities, but in my mind I felt at least they did what they were created to do, if only for a day. As you exercise your ‘wings’ it is my prayer that the days of flight become the ‘ordinary’ in the extraordinary of your days where predators of your peace have no power or place in the landscape and vistas of your life. With Much Love to you my friend, Denise
Hi Denise
Thank you so much for taking the time to write another thoughtful, kind, encouraging and inspiring post. I am so grateful for all your share and for your encouragement. I am pretty much in awe at the ways you communicate your thoughts, feelings, truths and personal experience. You really could write a book. I resonate with your comment about having a spiritual awakening…. I hope I have a spiritual awakening every day of my life….I believe we are meant to constantly be ‘waking up’ to the beauty in ourselves and all around us. Like you said, may each day bring more detachment from the chains that bind us and may we feel the freedom and celebrate! Woo Hoo! How wonderful that you were able toattend the Cloud and Townsend conferences. That must have been so great. I love their books… my life was transformed by Boundaries years ago….I have the DVD’s of that conference. So revolutionary. I had never heard concepts like that in my life. I think it was the first time that I realized what you talked about…. if you want to know if someone loves you then watch their response when you say No. That is very powerful. That has provided quite a few watershed times in my life. I have a handful of people left in my life who have stuck around after I’ve told them no. It really does provide an excellent opportunity for weeding out the ‘false relationships’. I’m sorry the situation with your sister was so painful. I can relate. A few years back I did something my sister didn’t agree with….I confronted my brothers who had been very emotionally abusive when I was growing up and I told them I needed to not see them for the sake of my healing. My sister told me I needed to forgive and forget. She came at me many times with bible verses and she even told me that my actions were the equivalent of being in a burning building. Like your sister, she aligned with my abuser. I’m sorry she made those choices but I’m NOT at all sorry that I learned my relationship with her was a false one. I’d rather know the truth even if it hurts. I’m so sorry the situation with your sister and your ex created so much chaos and pain. It sounds like a nightmare. I’m so glad your kids have loved you in ways that brought you comfort and healing. I am very grateful that my kids have been very loving and healing people in my life too. Thank you so much for the recommendation of the book “Women Who Run With The Wolves”. I looked it up and I have it on hold at my library. I’m looking forward to reading it. It looks like a great book. I’m glad you like the idea of sending emails to yourself. It has been very therapeutic for me. I like cultivating my feelings, needs and wants and expressing them. It’s another safe place for expression and exploration. When I read “Silencing the Self’ I was so struck by how numb we can be…..because of all the years of grief and suppression…like what you wrote about in your post. We had to be numb and suppress in order to survive but now that we’re in a safer place we can start exploring and realize more of who we are. Like you said, may the days of of flight become the ordinary in the extraordinary days….that’s a beautiful way to say it. I can understand too, why you set the birds free. There is such a very deep place in us that resonates with anything that is ‘trapped’. I feel it every time I see an animal in a cage. I hate feeling trapped….it’s one of my crazy buttons that I have to deal with frequently. I lived with ‘predators’ so much of my life where I either didn’t have a choice or like you said in your post, I had NO concept that I had any power. It truly is impossible for anyone who hasn’t lived through emotional battering to understand how it can be. But we know and now we have to do everything we can to connect to our power and not give it away. Cultivate choice. I love that word. I try and remind myself in as many ways as possible that I have a choice. I can’t control anyone else’s choices but I CAN control mine and I want to enjoy that truth more and more each day. I want to ask myself ‘what do I want’ and increasingly live it. I’m excited about the future. I’m excited about healing. I’m excited about moving forward. I’m excited to know that even when life is painful I have the choice to learn and grow and take care of myself and be empowered. These are all reasons to celebrate! Thank you again so very much for sharing your journey with me. I am encouraged and blessed. As I look outside at the sun shining I think how we are given so many beautiful gifts every day that are meant to be treasured. Your friendship is one of those gifts to me. 
I pray that you will know light and beauty in your life today and every day. With love, Karin
Hello Karin, Thank you for your response:) I know so few people who actually write me back. I used to expend a lot of time and energy sending cards and pictures, writing letters and would feel like I won the lottery to see a response in my mailbox, which didn’t happen as often as I wished! So I want you to know I truly appreciate the time and effort you take to write back. Thank You! I have been doing a lot of research regarding a new career path. And I am more not less confused as I do. I ordered 6 books tonight about career paths and topics related to this hoping I can get some sense of direction. I have always been able to find a job but don’t just want to find a job for jobs sake but something that will have longevity, benefits, and most of all suits my skills and introversion! I really enjoyed most aspects of my past job but the corporate mentality aspect was TOTALLY against my temperament. Anyway I’ve been up to my neck in research and haven’t thought about much else. I’m watching my grand babies 3 days a week a now which is a lot fun and keeps me on my toes! I have had way too much time on my hands and gained 7 lbs from lack of physical activity and really found myself feeling unmotivated, so this has helped me to get back on track with a routine. Helping my metabolism too! I have heard one needs to make looking for a job their job so I’m trying to jump start my self discipline and get myself into gear on the days I’m home. I hope all is well for you. Do you have all of your children at home? I loved the structure of family life. What needed to be done was always right in front of me. I have a hard time being self disciplined unless there is time frame. It has taken me a long time to learn to create these for myself. It’s nice to have a balance though as I imagine you find yourself on the other end of the spectrum with 4 children. I apologize for having to cut this short but I have to get to hit the hay as I have an early day with the perpetual motion machines tomorrow! It takes every thing this Grama’s got to keep up with the wee ones. I’ll be back with more on Saturday. Take Good Care my friend and thank you for being you.. a special blessing in my life. Denise
Hi Denise, I say a very heartfelt thank you to you too…for taking the time to write. I really enjoy our correspondence and am always happy to both read what you write and to respond. I feel like God has given us each other as kindred spiritis. Your words of wisdom, love, support and honesty have helped me through some tough times in recent months. In fact, the book you recommended to me “Women Who Run With The Wolves” has been very helpful for me this week. I truly love it…thank you for the recommendation. I’ve only gotten through the Bluebeard story at the beginning but so far I am in awe at how it parallels my life and what I need to be learning right now….specifically this week. I need the Wild Woman to come out in me. I checked it out from the library but I know I will buy my own copy when I’m finished reading it. There are so many amazing parts I have read so far but I’m just going to quote something because it brings me so much joy to read it …. “the work of La Loba can be thought of as representing un cuento milagro, a miracle story. It shows us what can go right for the soul. It is a resurrection story about the underworld connection to Wild Woman. It promises that if we will sing the song, we can call up the psychic remains of the wild soul and sing her into vital shape again.” That is just so beautiful and inspiring. I also looked at Clarissa Estes’s website and saw that she wrote another booked entitled “Untie the Strong Woman” so I put that on hold at the library too. It sounds good. I am continually amazed at how God will bring me books at the exact time I need to be learning the lessons they teach. It has happened many, many times for me over the years…quite a few of those times with Melody’s books. It’s very wonderful. I am praying for you with your job search….guidance, wisdom, light for your path, the perfect timing, encouragement and patience as your persevere in the search. One breath at a time. I’m also praying as you take care of those precious grandbabies of yours. May you have supernatural strength and patience
. That is a very hard job! I still have three daughters at home ages 16, 18 and 21 so I’m way past that baby stage but I remember very well how exhausting it is. Don’t worry about writing back….whenever you have the energy and the time. Just know that I’m very grateful for your continued friendship, love and kindness. Thank you so much being who you are….a consistent friend and bright spot. Much love and blessings to you…. Karin
Hello Wolf Woman Sister Friend:) I knew You were the kind of person who would go get and “get’ what this book was about. My unconscious churned up many transformative dreams during the time I was reading this book. I was so fortunate to have a counselor who put together a group of some of the women she was counseling at the time, and one of the things we did was to read and discuss the stories in this book. We also had, if you can believe this, probably 3 slumber party’s at her house also, in the course of a year and half. It was so much fun. Her house was huge and she would have different activities set up in each room, it was a very healing time in my life. She was one of those people/women ( like Melody) who was ahead of her time. She started a counseling center at the church, and had to defend her self on many occasions to a board of elders (all men) who were for the most part clueless about abuse, alcoholism etc. She went to 12 step meetings herself and got 12 step mtgs going at the church and brought Recovery seminars to the church as well. She was one incredible woman and I was certainly fortunate to have had her in my life for the 5 years I did. She actually made a CPS report on my husband early on in my counseling with her, it completely freaked me out at the time, but I believe today it may well have saved my life, or for that matter his. He was reported by another counselor later again when the children were in high school. When I looked back after the divorce, I realized the fall out with the first CPS report was the beginning of the end of our marriage. Which was 10 years before we divorced. He would snap and destroy things, pull phs out of the wall, broke down our daughters door, the second report, and then say ‘you made me do it”. It was torture to love someone who displayed these behaviors. I was reading Women Who Run With The Wolves during this time, so I think I’m tracking with you about the Bluebeard story, it really hit home with me at the time. It is amazing to me all the research Clarissa did for this book, I’m thinking 20 years of gathering these stories from around the world. I keep buying this book and giving it away and currently do not have one. I found the language ( descriptions of the life/death/ life cycle etc) she uses absolutely beautiful and profound. I need to get myself another copy! I am reading so many books right now that my room looks like the return section at the library. All or nothing….. as the current obsession dictates! Wow, how wonderful that you have 3 daughters and all still at home! So much going on during the 16 to 18 yr range, 21 is grown up and focused on getting to where ever they decided they were going at 16! Such a difference in just a few short years isn’t it? I miss the family life something fierce at times. I got over-through the worst of it years ago but periodically I feel blue with missing all the that goes with having a family. Taking care of my grandchildren feels like a flash back minus the energy to keep up!!
But of course I go home, fall face first onto my bed and don’t have to keep going. The joys of being a grandparent. It took me almost 10 years to accept that I was never going back home, and that I would never get this life “back”. My ex-husband accidently burned down the house we built, some thought it wasn’t an accident, but I know it was. This happened 9 days before I was going to go back to the house. It had been eight years since I had been there. I was pretty devastated at the time because for one, I was going to be able to retrieve all the pictures I had taken over the years, but of course they burned up with everything else. There was literally a pile of ashes where the house had been, it was bizarre. When I did go back, a week after it happened, he stood there with me (far more devastated than I was). I was stunned and numb by the time I saw it. I remember thinking….. so this is what our life together amounted to… a pile of ashes. It was a very strange feeling to physically see what I had felt for years before I actually left. We lived in the mountains and had to travel a one way 2 mile long dirt road after traveling another long and winding road prior to this, to get there, all to say it was very isolated. It had just rained the day before the house burned down and was still drizzling when it did, other wise without a doubt there would have been a major forest fire ( we lived in the Loma Prieta Mtn range which from that point going west extends many miles over to the coast by Santa Cruz). My son was very fearful as a child of the “what if” a fire happened fearing we would be trapped, which was a very legitimate concern. His dad would get a fire going in the wood burning stove ( our only source of heat) then put pieces of wood on top of the wood burner to ‘dry” them. He was asked not to do this because of the potential hazard, but still did. This is how he burned the house down. Put wood to ‘dry’ on top of the stove and forgot he had, got on his tractor drove up the mountain to do something else and told me he saw smoke coming up through the trees a mile or so away and knew what it was. The woman he had living with him at the time, had run the water out of the 10 thousand gallon water tank because she had forgot that she had left the water on , to water the horses so there was no water to fight the fire with. He was now homeless. I was SO angry with God the years that I wandered like a nomad not knowing which way was up, carting my belongings from one storage unit or friend or family members garage to another…. visiting my stuff… having no idea what to keep or throw away. I told God plenty of times what I thought about HIS justice. I absolutely wanted my ex-husband to suffer the same way I felt I and our children had. And yet when his life disintegrated and I was there to see it, I only felt sad. There was nothing about witnessing how diminished he and his life had become that made me feel any better. I thought this is nothing but a shame, every one lost, so what the hell was it all about? I had long since worked through my anger and the sense of being victimized by life in general. I realized I hadn’t been singled out for a life of abandonment and torture. I just keep resetting the default myself, after I left home, the same as I know my younger brother is still doing. I don’t blame myself or anyone else anymore for this either, it’s just the way it was. Some unshackle themselves, or for reasons I now accept that I will never understand, some don’t find the keys to open the prison door. I don’t know why. I have reached the conclusion that for some…. any or all recovery, medicines, rehabs, friends, family, maybe even angels for all I know, may show up to encourage life as I believe it should be…. but the transformation doesn’t occur or maybe it happens in the last 10 seconds of someones life and who am I to say it isn’t right or fair or real? The older I get the less I realize I know. Today I considered that the very thing I see in another’s life as the worst thing I can imagine, if it were me, may serve purposes my finite mind can not begin to fathom. What if I ceased to judge it as such and tried to observe it’s possible usefulness, as crazy as this may sound. When I consider the people I have known and whose paths I have crossed and what I took away from what their life story told me, how can I then not wonder how my life story has possibly aroused a thought that turned someone else’s thinking in a direction it would have otherwise not taken, be that for good or ill. My first sponsor used to tell me I was fortunate to know what I didn’t want in my life and WHY. The silver lining of growing up as I had was at least seeing cause and effect. What I did with it was up to me. I was in my 20′s when she said this to me and I thought hmmm …. no I’d rather not know, and skip on into life untainted. I didn’t get until many years later what she meant. I had a black and white system of right and wrong in my thinking and if you did certain wrong things it and you were wrong and if you didn’t, you would be rewarded. It seemed like a good plan until I realized life just didn’t work that way. I could follow the rules and do the ‘right things” but it didn’t guarantee me that others would… ohhh…. I didn’t factor that into my reward system, as though God would smite wrong doing at least eventually, meaning when I had had more than enough, and then the smitees would see the error of their ways, change, and we would all live happily ever after. Amazing that I grew up in a totally insane alcoholic crazy abusive family and came out of it thinking I was going to change the way life and the world actually worked! Of course I didn’t realize this is really what my master plan revolved around but it in effect did. My sponsor was correct that I knew what I didn’t want… but neither did I have clue how to get what I did. I walked around endlessly talking about what people shouldn’t do, and it seemed obvious to me if they didn’t all would certainly be well. And yet I was the glue that held the dysfunction together. At least that’s how I see the role I played, today. I guess the bottom line of what I have talked on and on about is, I really that I don’t have a clue what’s right for anyone else. I don’t know why others have to do or not do what they choose, but today it doesn’t matter to me like it once used to. I find myself thinking hmmm… none of my business, so what is my business? Today I find I don’t have the energy to expend on anyone else’s whys, my own baffle me more than enough! It seems more than good enough to leave what ever I am clueless about with God and what a relief. Anyway I have really rambled all over the place….I hope something made sense! I hope you have been able to enjoy these lighter days. The lighter longer days definitely lift my spirits, I hope they are having the same effect on you my friend. Thanks for being here and being you here. Being understood and unconditionally accepted is the best medicine I know of! Thank you Karin:) With Love, Denise
Hi Denise, fellow wolf sister, Wow…I am so blown away by that book
. I just can’t even take in how much it parallels my life and has so much teaching for what I need to learn. Like instinctively feel like I need to learn. Clarissa Estes says things in ways that are so rich and deep. The ways she draws real life lessons from the myths and stories is truly remarkable. Each story I’ve read has applied to my life in one way or another. Each page has something insightful, healing and revealing for me. I just can’t tell you how much it means to me to own a copy of this book now. I really believe it will continue to help, heal and teach me for the rest of my life. What a gift. How very wonderful that you’ve given away copies to others….but of course you definitely must have a copy to keep for yourself. The theme of diving into the underworld, into darkness, is so resonant with me. When I read your story and everything you’ve been through it describes your life as well. Going to that place of darkness, grief and ashes. Not knowing how we will make it but hearing the call to keep going, keep moving. We are led one step at a time through the darkness by that wild voice we’ve been given….I believe the voice of God…that instinctively wants to move us forward, deeper into healing and into our authentic selves. There are so many layers that are uncovered by each experience we go through. I’m so interested in the concept of the injured instinct. I know that’s what happened to me at a very early age and it continued until I was about 40 (when I first read Codependent No More and starting getting a hint that something was wrong). I was told all my life, whenever I stepped outside the box and challenged authority, that I was in the wrong and I needed to get back in the box. So I did, thousands of times. My instinct therefore became this tiny whisper of a voice, barely audible. But she kept speaking. I was just so terrified to act on those instincts because it meant facing the fear of abuse, rejection or abandonment. It becomes such a deeply engrained pattern that we don’t even know we’re doing it. Your counselor who gave you the book sounds like a true gift. The slumber parties, the recovery seminars….I’m so glad you had her in your life. I’ve had a few counselors who came through in powerful ways as well. I thank God for bringing them into my life at very critical times. One of my very favorite parts of “Women Who Run With the Wolves” is the General Wolf Rules for Life – eat, rest, rove in between, render loyalty, love the children, cavil in moonlight, tune your ears, attend to the bones, make love, howl often. How wonderful. What a great list 
. Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and your precious life with me. I consider it an honor to ‘listen’ to your life and share your journey with you. You’re an inspiration and strength for me. Thank you for loving and accepting me unconditionally as well. It truly is the best medicine. I pray God’s blessing and guidance as you seek to follow your healing path each day. May you know the strength and guidance of the wild woman every step of the way. Much love and thanks to you, Karin
Sending a howl your way sister wolf…. I am glad this book has resonated with you I believed it would. It also blew me away when I was reading it. I’m so glad your’e finding the gold nuggets in it:) There are many. I found a hard back copy of WWWR for $2.00, Woo Hoo for used book stores. I love the picture on the jacket of the woman standing with the wolf. I got the same message when I tried to ‘step outside the box” as you shared you did. Closed systems certainly don’t welcome questions, they only demand obedience. I have seen the pendulum go from one extreme to the other in my short life. I recently saw Gloria Steinem on a talk show and realized I dislike her message as much now as I did in the 70′s. I believe her focus is in the wrong place. I have experienced the EXACT same behaviors she blasts men for, from women in the work place and otherwise and see what she speaks of as a personal human issue more so than about gender. I have been the recipient of women enabling men, and visa versa and thought this isn’t about gender it’s about principles. Wanting to say out loud: Is this how you would want to be treated if the tables were turned? Knowing full well it would not be. Women trying to ‘act’ like a version of what they think a man is, or acquiescing to feed an ego, (anyone’s) only further confuses the real issues, in my opinion. And when all is said and done all we can control is what we do. Although your voice and many others like ours, were silenced and in the process the very instinct meant to preserve us was injured the soul will bear up under any and all forms of brutalizing and still find a way to speak it’s truth to us. We may need an extended stay in the ICU but God provides the medicine and sages that bring healing if we allow our deeper knowing to have it’s say. Such as the concentration camp victim wrote on the cellar wall:” I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining, I believe in love even when no one is there, I believe in God even when He is silent.” I don’t know if all people experience a dark night of the soul, but for those who do I think the question with every heartbeat is asking: Do I believe even when there is no proof or reason to believe? The substance of things not seen. The general wolf rules are so wise and true, I love this list! I have been on a reading binge lately. Trying to figure out and formulate ‘something’ that will be a good fit for me employment wise. I ordered 2 books that it just occurred to me may be of help to your daughters ( if you don’t already have them) Best Jobs of the 21 Century and 300 Hundred Best Jobs Without a Four Year Degree, which I don’t have and why I ordered it. I am on many online sites that tell me of new job listings when they’re posted so looking, looking and more looking is what I’m doing in my down time. I have experience Managing but I feel like someone pulled the plug when I consider doing this…. just want to go to work and leave it there when I go home. I got a book on Empaths and it speaks about how to NOT take on the emotions etc of those you come in contact with. I wouldn’t recommend it, too much fluff and repetition, Do you have a referral regarding Empath’s you found helpful? I really see how much this has been the blessing and the curse in my life and would like to remove the curse aspect as much as I can. Any advice or suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. I wish you all that the wolf woman knows is good FOR her, as you rove and play attend to the bones, love the children, the one inside you too:) as you too follow your path my friend. AHHH OUHHHH ( suppose to be a howl:) Much Love being sent your way, Denise
Book recommendation f/ Empaths or anyone interested in working with the energy of their emotions: “The Language of Emotions/ What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You” by Karla McLaren. Karla is an empath. She also has a FaceBook page. I have found her work helpful on alot of levels. Also love “WomenWhoRunWithTheWolves” had read it when it first came out but have inspired by you both to re-visit it. It’s inspiring and heartwarming to witness the connection and mutual support that has grown between you, Denise and Karin. Thank you for sharing. love’n'light, Patty
Hey Smerk and OMG! I have to confess something…. all this time I thought you were a guy, Patty!!! Now that I’m thinking about it I associated Smerk with Smerf who I remembered as the video guy from years ago… funny how we can make connections to something based on our experience minus any facts. Or at least I certainly do. I also read WWWR when it first came out… can you believe it’s been 20 years?!!! I’m doing a re-read also. I just opened it up and told myself where ever it is, is what I’m suppose to read. The Match Girl story was where I opened and it was what I needed to read. I forgot how profound Clarissa’s perspective is. Here I am reading the story thinking poor little thing why isn’t anyone helping her and totally getting caught up in the hallucinations or fantasy’s she is seeing as she’s dying then actually feel happy she is with her grandmother in heaven… then read what the point of the story is and think crap guess I’m living in lala land again. I’m keeping this WWWR next to my bed for tune ups. The thing for me is that I have had dreams, visions, and can look in peoples eyes and know what’s going on, and far worse can feel it, all of my life. I wondered why the adults in my life didn’t understand the things that were so clear to me, I felt very different and not so much alone because being alone is okay with me, but like I didn’t belong really anywhere. I’ve had premonitions of birth and death all my life, which all happen as I see them. Particularly frightening for a period in my life was when people were dying violent or painful deaths. I had no idea why I could see and feel the circumstances, in some cases not knowing who it was, ( in these cases it would be someone close to, someone I was close to) but carrying the fear and pain inside my heart and psych was extremely difficult, especially since I didn’t know what was “wrong’ with me and didn’t know to explain it to anyone without sounding crazy. So anyway Patty thank you for the referral, I’ll order this tonight. And it has been such a heartwarming inspiring and truly lovely gift to have made the kindred sense of friendship I have felt with Karin. I have thoroughly enjoyed your postings with the highlight being the one I adopted as my mantra for 2013:) Thank you for your response Patty/Smerk, so nice to hear from you. (still feel a little embarrassed…) light n love to you also. Denise
LOL, Denise…thank you for making me laugh, it came as an unexpected gift this morning. I’ve been clairsentient all of my life. I’ve often wondered if my empathic abilities have been enhanced or inhibited by growing up in a dysfunctional and codependent environment. Somehow I think it’s a litte of both. My personal observation has led me to believe that there’s an inordinate number of empaths within the codependent population. Nature or nurture, who knows. I’ve done alot of dissocation over the years just to survive but I’ve found through grace that I’m embracing and no longer fearing my abilities. They’re becoming a blessing at this stage of my life as opposed to the curse I used to feel that they were. I’m very energy sensitive in alot of respects. Incorporating healthy boundaries and working a 12Step program has served as invaluable tools in my own recovery. These days I enjoy as opposed to dread the journey. And that’s cause for celebration and gratitude in and of itself. love’n'light, Patty
Hi Patty, Glad you got a chuckle, I did too:) I have to say I agree with your observation re/ empathic abilities being about a little of both. My grandson soon to be 3 in April is extremely sensitive. This little guy is so dear to my heart. He did the most mind boggling thing one day at 17 mths old. He and I had taken a walk and he was strolling along looking at the trees bushes and bees, then suddenly he stops and looks up to the sky, as if he is looking AT someone, I can see that he is concentrating/ listening, then he puts his hand on his heart, nods his head yes, and smiles. I thought what did I just witness? I have no idea only guesses. I no longer fear these abilities, as you also expressed, but do not want to live in a dissociative state. As I have allowed my heart to be open I struggle with overload/ confusion. I have recently ‘made a decision’ to put up walls instead of using words for boundaries WHEN I feel feelings that I am aware donot belong to me. This is new for me. I am in control of the ‘walls’ is how I see this now. It is no longer all or nothing. It is a choice within any 24 hr period if or as a situation shows it self, even if that means the decision is waiting to make a decision. I think researching and understanding this piece will be helpful. When the student is ready the teacher appears. I am not surprised that this has come up, it must be the right time. Thank You for your sharing, it is a gift:) Blessings and Peace, Denise
Hi Denise wolf sister
, I wish you could have seen me when I read your post with the wolf howl….I laughed so hard! 
And I”m laughing as I type this…. What a hoot! Thank you! Nothing like a good laugh for much-needed therapy. I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you re/ your job search. The books sound good….thanks for sharing those. Right now I don’t know anyone in search of a job but I will keep those on file for referral. Also, I really like what you said about our injured souls will survive brutalizing and still continue to speak. Thank God that’s true. Otherwise there would be absolutely no chance for healing. I’ve sensed many times in my life, and still do currently, the need to be in ICU. I think of how quiet that environment is and how carefully it’s monitored by the staff. That’s what my soul instinctively knows I need to heal and I have to carefully monitor my environment. I spend as much time as possible in quiet. It heals me. And I’ve got to tell you something really amazing. The quote you mentioned about ‘believe in the sun even when it isn’t shining…’ is a quote I’ve had stuck to the dashboard of my car for years. I had no idea where it came from and I’m in awe that you shared with me it’s origins. It’s all the more powerful and inspiring for me now. I’ve read it over and over and over. I haven’t found any books specifically on empaths so I’m interested in the one Smerk recommended. I’m going to order it right away too. I’m excited about more learning and understanding. I know WWRW will be a staple for me my whole life. I’ve been reading about Skeleton Woman the last few days. So amazing how we run from the lessons and healing our soul desperately needs. And Skeleton woman pursues us with the Life/Death/Life cycle. So powerful. Like you, I can turn to any page and receive something. It ranks right up there with Melody’s books in terms of how helpful and healing it is. Life changing. Speaking of life, I’m so excited for spring. Every time I see a little bright green leaf pushing out from what looks like a dead branch it reminds me that God can bring beauty and life out of anything. That’s the truth I cling to on a daily basis. I take walks in nature and I just stand there and stare at a branch and feel the life message it speaks. Everyday miracles all around us. I’m so grateful in the midst of life’s challenges, pain and struggle that there are so many bright spots, like your friendship and inspiration, to keep me going. I need every little bit for sure. Also, I’m trying to cultivate the question that we need to ask in order to stay in touch with wild woman….’what do I want?’ That’s a huge challenge for me. It sounds so basic but for me it usually borders on mind-boggling. But I’m very motivated to keep at it because I want to release wild woman into my life as much as possible. Another quote I love that I now have on a sticky next to all my books is ‘if you want to summon wild woman, refuse to be captured.’ May we nurture and live in the freedom that is rightfully ours… one breath at a time. Thank you for more words of love, wisdom and blessing. I send a howl back to you… AHHH OUHHHH! 
Much love to you my friend, Karin
Hello Sister Wolf, I relate to what you said and what you didn’t. The thing with me sharing the quote came ‘out of the blue’. I read it years ago and it was tucked away in my head, but it hasn’t been posted anywhere for me. But this is the same as the time you brought up the story about Joseph and the verse my son wrote about in 4th grade that had been special to me ever since… no coincidence, each was meant to be. I love the validations that continue to circle back around to us through out our life. I see these as beacons of light God knows will resonate in ways deeply meaningful as they momentarily taking ones breath away. I grew a garden when my kids were in their early teens that had sunflowers as the perimeter. I remember getting a chair and sitting in the middle of the garden soaking in the quiet for 30 minutes of heaven on earth. Spring is my absolute favorite time of the year. When I lived on the mtn, there would be no sun for 4 months, then one morning I would hear the birds singing and it would be as if it were the first Spring that ever happened! The wild flowers would begin to show up and it seemed to me that creation was singing a hallelujah chorus, nothing is so magnificent to me. My grandson and I have been on a mission to find and blow all the fairies into the wind, in the mean time discovering bugs rocks and flowers, such a blessing. This is my ICU. Nature, animals, children, water, quiet and the sound of birds are healers for me. I am so grateful God has given me the gift of time with my grandchildren right now. Eat sleep play… seems exactly right to me. As I think about it you are reading WWRW during the same life phase I originally did. I remember feeling like it was saving my life somehow. The first time as well as many times thereafter when my counselor asked; What do you want? I would ask her: What do you do? I drew a total blank when she said this, in fact I remember actually feeling scared because I didn’t know the question was valid. Short of survival it ceased to matter, if it ever did. But I guarantee you it will. What ever held your interest, captivated your mind and imagination will come back to you, it is an amazing re-birth when it happens. It’s a reunion with orphaned aspects of yourself and there will be no way you can’t do… what ever it is you will remember you wanted to. I will say this also and it is weird, for me it was at the forefront of my mind all along. It wasn’t the thing I wasn’t sure about wanting to ‘try’ it was the things I wanted to do as much as eating or sleeping or breathing. You have already refused to be captured because you are here and because you are not just reading WWRW but it is speaking to you. Woo Hoo! You are still in the thick of things though and until you aren’t, there are no words to adequately express how much energy you are expending. It will boggle your mind in the years to come. I pray you have a refuge, that quiet nook or special time or view or whatever revives and refuels your mind and soul. Can’t wait to read Smerks referral on Empaths. Still laughing about thinking she was a guy:) Take Extra Good Care, With Love and Prayers, and Thank you so much for yours. Denise
Hi Smerk
Thanks so much for your book referral about empaths. I’m going to order it and I really look forward to reading it. Thank you for what you shared about being an empath. I resonate with everything you said. It’s so nice to hear you speak words that make me feel understood. Like you, I’ve disassociated so much of my life and I’m now seeking to embrace my gift and not detach….take good care of myself as I am. Enjoying the journey is definitely the goal and I’m so glad you’re experiencing that in your life. Definitely much cause for celebration and gratitude! Thank you. Love and blessing to you, Karin
Hi Melody, Just a note to ask if the audio tape on Walking the 12 Steps may be done up on cd. I truly love it and would love to give it to my friends if I could purchase more copies. Have a great day!
Hi wolf sister
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the onset of spring too. It’s such a magical time…so many breathtaking moments. I LOVE that you and your grandson have the mission to find all the fairies and blow them into the wind. That’s sounds magical. I agree with you about spending time with children and in nature….both very healing ICU experiences. It truly is the experiences that money can’t buy, that only God can give, that bring us true healing, that reach down into the deep, invisible broken places and bring life. I love the everyday moments that take us by surprise and breathe life into us. Whether it’s looking up and seeing a beautiful cloud, or looking at leaves popping out on a bush, or watching one of my dogs stretched out and basking in the spring sunshine. I realize my part in partaking in the magic is to slow down and cultivate awareness to notice the magic moments when they occur. In this world that’s not an easy thing….cultivating quiet so we can hear and see the messages when they come along. I think of it like ‘why would I even try talking to someone if they’re intentionally choosing not to listen’? I feel the same way about when God talks to me. I want to cultivate the mindset and attitude of listening so God can speak to me in any and every way He wants, at any time. I’m so amazed at all the ways He comes through. I’ve been reading “The Language of Emotions” that Smerk recommended. I found a copy at my library. I’m about 1/3 of the way through and it’s very good. It emphasizes listening to our emotions, not dismissing them, and flowing with their current. It’s about letting them arise as they need to, and not labeling them but just seeing them as necessary and welcoming them. Not that we unleash them in unsafe or unhealthy ways, but we honor them, give them space and see them as gifts in our lives, even if it happens to be the more unwelcomed ones like fear and anger. I really like how the author emphasizes the need to welcome fear and anger because they serve very important purposes in our lives and if we dismiss them we will not be able to learn the lessons they have to teach us in order to heal and become whole. It’s like in WWRW, the instinctive wolf self ‘uses’ those emotions as a part of living instinctively….i.e. drawing boundaries and protection. Anger and fear are very powerful emotions that give us the ability to live healthy lives but if we always see them as ‘bad’ then we will be crippled in our understanding and choices. That’s something I’ve tried to teach my kids that I didn’t learn growing up…how to feel all our feelings and integrate them into our choices in healthy ways. Let them have space in our lives and let all feelings cooperate in being a whole person. I have a friend who is currently dealing with PTSD in therapy and she says it’s so hard to feel triggers from childhood and learn how to integrate those feelings into her life now at age 55. How much better would it be for all of us if we were given the gift of knowing how to feel and integrate the ‘hard’ feelings when we’re young so it doesn’t have to be re-processed years or decades down the road (often blindsiding us via a trigger). I’m so glad your grandchildren have you….I’m sure you’re relating to them in a way that allows them freedom to express themselves…and that is such a gift. Also, thank you for reminding me to be aware of how much energy I’m expending in this time of life. I do feel it and I know I have to take many precautionary measures to take good care of myself. I spend as much time in quiet as possible and I sleep as much as possible. I hope you are taking good care of yourself too. I pray that God will lead you to the job that is right for you when the time is right. Timing is everything. Thank you for being such a good friend to me. Thank you for sharing all your wonderful insights and life experiences with me. I am still enjoying reading WWRW. I’ve just been reading about the ‘red shoes’. I love that analogy…. how we can lose our authentic self and get so caught up in the inauthentic, settling for an unhealthy substitute when all along our soul knows exactly what we need. May we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear the voice of God speaking to us in each moment. Much love and light to you my wolf sister and friend. Have a beautiful day enjoying springtime in your neck of the woods 
….. Karin
Hi Smerk…. Just want to say I’m really enjoying reading “The Language of Emotions”. I found a copy at my library. It’s a very helpful, insightful book. I know I will end up buying a copy of my own. I really appreciate how the author emphasizes feeling all our emotions and not dismissing or by-passing them in the effort to live neat, tidy, ‘politically-correct’ lives. I love how she gives ‘permission’ to let life be messy and nasty and impolite in order to live the emotions that flow through our lives….specifically in regard to trauma. We all need to feel ‘permission’ to be just who we are, right where we are at any given moment in time. Thanks for the recommendation
. Love and light to you…. Karin
Hello Kindred Sister and Friend, I’m so glad you are enjoying Spring also. The fairies my grand son and I blow into the wind are the puffy white balls that grow near or out of the dandelions. When they are perfectly white round balls you can blow on them and away the ‘fairies’ fly into the wind:) I did this as kid myself then with my kids and get to relive the magical Spring time tradition again with the grand children. I finally ordered The Language of Emotions, Silencing the Self and The Grief Club. Oprah’s book of the month doesn’t have much on us:) Without reading the book Smerk referred, I couldn’t agree more about the crucial work of fear and anger just from the standpoint of my own experience. It is so strange to consider how these vital life saving emotions became labeled as ‘bad’. It is no wonder we don’t know what or how to feel when the very movement emotions are meant to give are stalled out like a car out of gas. My mother was expert at bringing up and expressing her anger about something but if you tried to explore the roots or solutions she would wave her hand and say: No more, I don’t want to discuss this. I would foolishly say then why did you bring it up? She made it clear she was the Only one allowed to have anger. Which came out when she was drinking as rage and violence. I became conflict avoidant, which of course only meant like the title of the other book ‘I silenced’ the very voice within that was trying to save me. But speaking of No More:) messy imperfect and as real as expression can be, it is about real life, not the candy coated version or suppression of it. The day either comes that we allow our emotions to tell us what we need to hear or options like the woman in WWRW who cleaned her house then blew out her brains can become the only option one believes they have, whether that is a symbolic death or an actual one. I know I was severely depressed which was nothing more than holding in all the toxic waste of the emotions of anger, fear and grief given no where to go but inward. Being sick was how I expressed what I couldn’t speak, my body did it for me. And if I wasn’t ‘sick’, the response to: What’s wrong ? was always: Nothing…. I’m just tired. When I gave my self permission to begin listening, my body said: You ARE sick and you ARE tired. Sick, because the emotions of anger have no where to go, tired, because the energy required to invalidate your true emotions has worn you out. What freedom and health we find when the flood gates open and we allow our emotional life to flow as it needs to. I bought the EMDR book “Through the Eyes of a Child”. I haven’t read it yet but will let you know about it when I do. I know I still need EMDR with traffic accidents. I unfortunately came upon a scene where a Vet in wheelchair threw himself off an over pass. I was in the next the lane closest to this and it goes without saying it traumatized everyone who saw it. I finally realized this is what I’m reacting to. I thought I had dealt with it but the PTSD reaction tells me I have not enough obviously. I am so grateful for the graciousness with which you accept my comments or perceptions from ‘this side’ of the tracks about raising children. Always take what you need and leave the rest of course. When I thought back to when my kids were the same ages as you said yours are (and you have twice as many as I had:):):):) I remembered how until I was beyond this season I couldn’t appreciate how much I really did. It is a powerful work of support and encouragement, that is so important. Though you are not spoon feeding, dressing them and keeping your eyes on their every move, you are keeping spiritual eyes and heart on their well being and it is this work of La Loba that tells us rest and quiet are as necessary as food and water. I love how suggesting WWRW to you was a much needed suggestion and reminder to myself also:) Thank you for sharing from your heart all that is true and real in your journey. I feel very blessed to have found such a precious friend and friendship in you. I can’t help but but be in awe of how the life/death/life cycle is so powerfully seen in Spring. I have daffodils on my table and love the bright happy faces that seem to say….we are proof that life and hope find their way through the darkness of the earth and the cold dark days of winter and you will too. Sending wishes that the sunshine is not only on your shoulders but warming your heart and soul as well my friend. With Love, Denise
Hi Wolf Sister and Kindred Spirit
Thank you once again for your love, thoughts and encouragement. Every time I read one of your posts I feel so blessed and so grateful for your input in my life. Even though I’ve never ‘seen’ you, I feel ‘seen’ by you….which is amazing. Something that can only happen through spiritual eyes. I find as I seek to follow the path of truth and light that I am given everything I need one step at a time…like your friendship. Your encouragement to seek rest and quiet is wonderful to me. I do feel like I need it as much as food and water. Yes, it is very tiring to be a mother in this culture. My heart does follow my kids everywhere and it is emotionally very tiring. You said it so very well. Thank you for understanding. It’s such a tricky stage when kids are turning 16, 18, 21. They act so much like they don’t need anyone or anything yet you know they’re so vulnerable and needy. I just want to hold them and tell them to protect themselves in their very vulnerable state. But they don’t particularly want to hear that message….they want to believe they’re so strong and self sufficient (like I did at their age). So I pray for their protection from all the things they can’t foresee or protect themselves from. I think of the wolf mother and how she lets her pups encounter difficulty and pain in order for them to learn. I think of how she increasingly lets them be subjected to danger in order for them to become discerning and gain survival skills. And yet there is a balance too. It’s a hard balance to find. I lived most my life with very injured instincts….I had little or no boundaries and I was easy prey for predators. I was easily drawn into traps and danger zones, not seeing the reality. It’s a hard truth to know about myself…yet I want to heal so I have to accept the truth and seek to heal my instincts. I want to teach my kids how to live differently. Yes, I can easily understand the story about the woman who cleaned the floors and then blew her brains out. I understand what it feels like to think it’s the only way out. It’s like the concept of ‘learned helplessness’. The illustration of the dog in the cage with the electric shocks from the floor…becoming so accustomed to being in pain with no way out….that it doesn’t even run out when the door is opened. I know exactly what that feels like. Not even knowing there’s another option other than pain. Not even seeing when an escape is made available. The only option seems to be shutting down…whether emotionally, mentally or physically (which is suicide). People who haven’t been through the ‘electric shock treatment without an escape’ can’t begin to understand what it does to a person’s psyche. Sometimes I can hardly believe it myself….except I lived it for so many years. Now I’m trying to live in the spirit of La Loba….not allowing myself to be trapped and being very careful who I trust. I never want to fall back into the mindset that I have no options other than being trapped in pain. I like where it says in WWRW that La Loba will do whatever it takes in any given situation to survive….’she will bound, pounce, run, dive, scramble, play dead, go for the throat, whatever needs to be done’. I love that imagery. I also really resonate with the story of the ugly duckling. Interestingly that was my favorite story as a child. I still have the book from when I was little. Even my ‘little girl’ soul knew that was a path I was going to travel….feeling estranged, like an outcast, and searching long and hard for those I belong to. That’s why I love this website and the friendship you and I now share. I feel like I belong…and it’s such a wonderful feeling. Thank you for your love, kindness and empathy. You give me precious gifts every time you write to me. I appreciate that you’re further along in your journey and you have so much wisdom to offer. Thank you for sharing with me. Every day I feel the life/death/life cycle occuring in my life and I’m grateful. I want to die to the old, unhealthy ways of living and thinking….and I want to live more each day in healing and the spirit of strength and freedom. Nature is such a great example of surrendering to the process….just letting it flow. I pray we will have the awareness and peace to let go and let healing flow freely in our lives every day. Keep enjoying the beauty of spring and the joy of new life! Much love and healing to you my friend 
Karin
Denise, I also meant to say I’m so sorry about the traumatic incident you witnessed….that sounds very horrible and I’m not surprised you would be experiencing ptsd symptoms as a result. I pray you will be able to process and resolve those painful memories and emotions as much as possible. This is such a hard, painful world at times and the best thing we can do is take good care of ourselves while we do our best to process and live with the pain. My prayers are with you. Karin
Hello Karin, I am still alive and well on planet earth…. just been working 10 -12 hr days either on the estate sale or baby sitting and haven’t had an extra un-tired minute…. still don’t…. but it’s been bugging me that I haven’t responded to you so I at least wanted to say Hello and Thank you for your post and to let you know I’ll have a free day by weeks end… yeah! I hope all is well your way, your in my thoughts and prayers and I’ll be baacckkk! Take Good Care:) With Love and Peace to you my friend, Denise
Hi Denise/sister wolf
Thanks for writing….I figured you were busy and I’m glad to know you’re ok 
. No worries about not writing….I totally understand. I’m a ‘go-with-the-flow person’ so please don’t feel pressure to write when you’re overloaded with so many things. I think about you and pray for you often. I look forward to hearing from you whenever it works. I’m doing well and continuing to enjoy spring and all the beauty in my life. Take good care of yourself amidst all the busyness 
. Much love and peace to you as well, Karin
Hello kindred spirit and sister, All my friends are ‘go with the flow’ so of course it makes sense you said this:) Speaking of going with the flow I will never cease to be amazed at the beautiful way God provides what works as win/win. I have picked up a babysitting job that I’m getting paid 15.00 and hr for… can barely believe it! Wasn’t looking for it, it is my friends granddaughter, two half days a wk, then also a house cleaning job that came through my aunt who decided to give it up.. also with good pay, flexible and perfect for me. So I’m keeping productively busy. Thank you for your prayers Karin. I know prayer truly helps and I am deeply appreciative for yours. I am glad to hear that you are finding beauty and enjoyment in this season my friend… introverts need this like air and water. I can feel my being relax into the promise of life that I feel with the arrival of Spring. It’s not just a season for me but the hope and renewal my heart needs to see touch breath and feel:) I know you get this:) I shouldn’t be surprised that you mentioned the story of the ugly duckling it is/was one of my favorites too! My little girl soul… I love that description… also knew this was my path. I can see others walking this path and feel blessed that I can ‘waddle’ along side and say the best is yet to be and it will be more than you ever imagined. You have more substance that you can yet realize, so don’t short change yourself or what you bring to life. What would one note in the symphony be with out the other, and speaking of… I have sang the ABC song to my grandson since he was born and a few weeks ago I was singing it and he piped in and sang along with me, you would have thought I was hearing the angels and Andrea Bocelli because to me it was every bit as beautiful. So we can sing the ABC’s and talk about the bugs and dandelions and birds and make up games and laugh and giggle and all I know is it is good medicine for my soul any day of the week. Even his fits of anger or disappointment remind me that the same little kid lives in me too. He is my teacher as much as I am his:) Anyway I’m off and running but it was so good to check in and see your hello:) You are in my prayers. With Love and Gratitude, Denise
Hi Denise/kindred wolf spirit
How wonderful to hear your news of the jobs that God has given to you…perfect for what you need and that work with your schedule. I love hearing how God provides. Makes me smile big 
. As we go with the flow we realize that His ways and provisions will give us what we need, when we need it. Of course that often clashes with my mentality of what I need vs. what I want, but frequently I am grateful that God doesn’t give me what I want… because many times hindsight has enabled me to see that what I wanted was not what I needed. I so appreciate what you said about the arrival of spring being the hope and renewal your heart needs to see, touch, breathe and feel. I so totally agree. As I see the flowers, new leaves, green grass…. my heart opens to the reality of how beauty and life come from the darkness and seemingly dead places. Such a vivid reminder of how our emotional and spiritual lives go through cycles too. I’ve been hiking alot lately and just breathing in the fresh air and the beauty. Today was a sunny day and the scenery was breathtaking. Like you said, introverts need this like air and water. It’s absolutely true. I try to get out and breathe and take in all the beauty every day. I’ve recently talked to a friend about the benefits of fresh air and exercise and we both agree that it’s the best anti-depressant we know. I’m so happy to hear about the joy you receive from your precious grandson. I agree…little children can be our teachers as much as we can be theirs. it always goes both ways if we have an open heart. Their insights, honesty, enthusiasm…so many qualities we need to resurrect and intentionally cultivate as we get older. I’ve been re-reading and underlining my own copy of WWRWW…I am still astounded at the depth and power of it. I know I always will be. Clarissa Estes was given vision and wisdom beyond human ability. I can look back from this stage of my life and see so much of what she talks about…and so much that I still want to live and nurture in my life. Thank you so much for your strengthening and encouraging words…”don’t short change yourself or what you bring to life”. I really needed to hear those words right now. I’m considering what I want to do with my time in the future…my kids are needing less and less of my time and I want to pursue something that is consistent with my instinctive nature and that will fuel my passions for life. I am taking time for prayer and meditation right now. I want to make choices that continually bring life and growth. I know I will be given light and direction at the right time. In the meantime I am focusing on all the beauty in my life and enjoying the process of letting go and opening my heart. Thank you for your continued friendship and input into my life and for taking the time to write amidst your busy life. God Bless You Abundantly my Friend. 
With much love, Karin
Hi Karin dear kindred friend and sister, I am so grateful for your gentle ( this word always comes to mind when I read what you write) words of compassion and support. I have no doubt that you are a gift in the lives of many other people beside myself. You listen…. such a rare quality. It has been a blessing for so many reasons watching my grandkids but one I never would have expected is the renewed awareness I have had about the rightness and rationale of the repetition required to teach children but how dysfunctional doing the same thing with an adult is. I am saying this because I have backed off from my family in the past 3 months realizing again… the lessons and layers of learning:) I am not responsible for them. It was time to reassess what was and wasn’t working for me. Getting laid off created a new space for something in my life and I really wanted to be mindful about what I wanted to fill it with, rather than allowing it to be filled with whatever happened to come my way. I could see my time and energy being siphoned away as family vied for my time and energy. My mother wanted me at her house, my brother was going south fast, I felt my sister had her foot in the door via my brother and it was ALL TOO MUCH. Too much of the same thing it has always been for me. I let them know I was taking a break from them, none of them liked it and it didn’t matter to me. I felt guilty but told myself I HAD to push through this dysfunctional default reaction and take care of myself and my own life first. I so understand the impact of what comes up as you are reading WWRW, it is SO life affirming. My sense when I first read it years ago was … so… my inner knowing was exactly right, it wasn’t just me being over sensitive or having an over active imagination etc as I had so often been told and led to believe. My inner self and knowledge were dismissed and discounted as unimportant and trivial. The constant suggestions that there was something wrong with me, which I all too readily accepted as true, always ‘put me in my place’. I am so grateful God places a knowing within our souls that can not be extinguished. Even when it has been intimidated into outward silence.. the knowing and inner voice still speaks to us waiting for the day we can shout from the roof tops… I AM here and I matter:) The same as you spoke of, I too have been nurturing what and how I want to live, as I give myself permission to dream, set goals and move toward what I was created to be and do. It isn’t as clear cut and concrete as I would like it to be, but I am allowing myself to’ be okay in the mess of emotions’ I feel as I listen to and honor what they are telling me, rather than trying to control them. The foot work, wrestling with anxious thoughts and feeling afraid of the unknown I have told myself are normal and to be expected….. and I do feel freaked out sometimes, but God doesn’t. He is guiding my steps through the ‘dark woods’….. lions and tigers and bears don’t scare him ( I like the way the Wizard of Oz addressed the fear common to all people) all I have to do is take the next step. In between I consider things that one can consider when they are dreaming of what they want and how they would make it a reality. Then I consider how life can turn on a dime, how we can meet someone who points us toward an opportunity or idea or person and suddenly possibility’s we never dreamed of, become options . Our ability to dream and work toward something we really want ignites a passion within us we had long since put on the back burner or buried in a closet in a box where we put our ” hopes and dreams”. I am wondering Karin did you go to College? I ask because I get the feeling you were College educated. And further because if you did what were you interested in? I hear tremendous love and affection when you have spoken of your dogs and it reminds me of my daughter who is Mrs Dolittle:) You are a devoted and loving mother… obvious to anyone in how you have spoken of your children, you love nature, and are an excellent writer, these are a few of things I have observed and I guess I’m just thinking out loud about what would nurture your talents and interests. I also get the sense that you would be an excellent mediator… isn’t that interesting? It just came to me. You are very concise and clear, making sense of each point as you go so that it flows into the next in an easily understandably way. I also imagine that you were a good ‘teacher’ to your children, allowing them space to have and mull over their thoughts and feelings, providing information and options, and in the process giving them the confidence to arrive at their own decisions, which is perhaps one of the greatest gifts a child can have bestowed upon their psyche and life. I think it is helpful for others to mirror the talents and strengths we have that we often do not see as such, because they are natural to our way being. I just think that what ever you do, you will bring so much more to it than you can realize. All the time and effort raising children is such a win/win in the big picture. We gain experience and develop talents that we don’t know we have, until as you expressed they don’t need our time attention as much as they used to, and we begin that season where we begin to ask what can I do now? What do I want to do? Anyway I feel excitement for you, as I can know for you, as I can’t always know for myself, that some great things are on the horizon for you. I am glad you are taking the time to drink in the milk of loving consideration of what you need and want, to ask, meditate and just let yourself be. The answers will come my friend, and as you said they do not always show up as we have pictured, it’s always what’s best and often in an unexpected way. It just fits and works and we end up wondering what were all the crazy and anxious thoughts about anyway? I know I do. I have been on the ragged edge lately,not sleeping and my mind going way too much… I hate it when I do this to myself. A friend of mine calls this mental-pause and some days I think she’s right, because I have no problem these days saying not only exactly what I think minus a filter… but I can go on and on and I don’t care what anyone thinks, not in the least. I read that women in menopause tend to think and act more like men, because they have less estrogen… and all I have to say about this is…. darn I wish I had been like this sooner!!! I am so not invested in coming across as ‘nice’ just real with who and what I am. My prayers are with you as you continue letting go of what you can not change, learn acceptance, free your own soul and in this process open your heart to all that will allow you to nurture, develop and become aware of the gifts God created within you. Loving and giving Grace to ourselves in the same way we seem to have no problem doing for others is a great place to start:) Thank you for taking the time to write and share your journey, it means a lot to me that you do amidst your busy life also. With love and prayer, Denise
Hi Denise/sister wolf spirit
I have read your latest post numerous times and each time I am SO blessed and encouraged. Thank you so much for taking precious time out of your busy schedule…and when you’ve been on the ragged edge (I know it takes alot of brain power and energy)… to share your wisdom and insights with me. I am always enriched by what you write. There are so many things I want to say and comment on…but first I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement re/ who I am, my gifts and what I might be good at in the future. Each time I’ve read your words I’ve had tears in my eyes….and I’ve realized that I’ve known so many people in my life but very few have really “known” me…. and although we’ve never met in person, you see and know me like few others have. All I can say is thank you so very much. It feels so good to be known for who I really am. All of the things you said about me describe me well and you’ve given me good food for thought as to what I might do in the future. I’m not going to rush into anything and I know I will be shown the way and the path at the right time. I might sign up for some classes in the fall….I have a friend who is currently getting a masters in social work and I’ve talked to him about his classes and it sounds really interesting. I do know I would really like to help women and children. Yes, I did graduate from college with a degree in business mgmt. but I never really used it. Actually, I was never really interested in business…but when I was 18 I really didn’t know what I wanted to do and no one was there to guide me so I pursued a major in business mostly as a default. Now at age 47 I’m thinking about what I really want to do. You know the saying “the first half of your life prepares you for the second half”? I’ve thought alot about that in recent weeks and tried to assess what that means for me. LIke you said, raising my four kids has taught me a lot about kids and sorting through all my emotional issues over the past decade has taught me alot about women’s issues. I know I want to be an agent of healing and help for other people….I just need to wait to discern what my niche might be. There are so many options and I want to be clear instead of just running around wasting time and energy without real direction. My youngest is 16 and I still want to be available to her so I’m not going to invest any major time in anything in the near future…..but maybe just take a few classes. Thank you for your prayers…..I know God is answering and He has led and blessed me every step of the way so far. It is kinda scary with alot of unknowns up ahead but I LOVE your reference to the Wizard of Oz… “lions and tigers and bears (oh my!)”. Makes me smile 
. God isn’t afraid and He is leading us through the dark woods one step at a time. I also want to say that I am very thankful to hear you have taken such a courageous and healthy step in creating more distance between you and the toxicity of your family. It is easy to stay stuck in the endless loop of being sucked dry by unhealthy family members….and it takes a LOT of emotional effort to walk away when everyone disapproves or resists….good for you for placing your health in front of those who would just use and drain you…endlessly. I like what you said about menopause and being able to say things without a filter….I say Amen to that….I’m becoming more that way myself and like you, I so wish I could have found the clarity and courage to live this way sooner. What a relief and simplifier of life. In general it’s so much better to just say what we need, think or feel instead of dancing around everyone else’s feelings and opinions. But of course recovery from codependency is a life-long journey along the continuum of letting go of what others think. I’m am just SO glad that you’re caring more for yourself than about what other people think. Hooray for you! 
I’ve also been reading in WWRW this week about forgiveness and rage…and how critical it is that we feel and honor our rage…and that there’s no possiblity for true healing and forgiveness until we work through the rage first. That’s something I’ve learned alot about in the past 10 years….especially in reference to men who’ve abused me…and the forgiveness step is a hard and lengthy one. I really appreciate how Clarissa Estes talks about healing leading to forgiveness… “To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self-punishment or vengeance was evoked in us.” That is a HARD exercise for those of us who’ve lived most our lives trying to keep others happy or being afraid of other people’s anger. Giving ourselves permission to feel all those feelings is so necessary yet so, so difficult to do…and in my experience it has taken years to understand how to do it….and I’m still learning. I think giving ourselves permission to draw boundaries like you did with your family is an excellent use of our anger and rage…because drawing and holding boundaries takes a lot of energy…so in order to do it we have to be tapped into a very powerful energy source. I also like how Clarissa talks about using that energy wisely and sparingly… “there are times when it becomes imperative to release a rage that shakes the skies. There is a time – even though these times are very rare, there is definitely a time – to let loose all the firepower one has. It has to be in response to a serious offense; the offense has to be big and against the soul or spirit. All other reasonable avenues for change have to be attempted first. If these fail, then we have to choose the right time. There is definitely a right time for full-born rage. When women pay attention to the instinctual self, they know when it is time. Intuitively, they know and they act. And it is right. Right as rain.” Such powerful truth and wisdom. Such beautiful permission given to release our rage when necessary. WWRW has been such a powerful source of healing in my life since you told me about it. I will always be grateful. I’ve also read a few wonderful books recently by a woman named Joan Anderson (A Year By the Sea, The Second Journey, A Weekend To Change Your Life) and she also talks about WWRW as her favorite book and quotes it in her books. I find this amazing because until you told me about it I had never even heard of it. But this is how God works often in my life, I get a referral of a book and then it leads me into my next steps or phase of life. It’s very wonderful. 
I think of you and pray for you often in your jobs of caring for a precious little one and cleaning houses…both positions very hands-on and life giving for those who are on the receiving end of your efforts. May God give you great joy and life as you pour your energies into what brings you closer to your authentic self and the true joy in living true to yourself. Thank you again for all your words of love and kindness to me. Thank you for your prayers. I wish I could articulate better but all I can say is that your friendship means more than I can say. God Bless You with much peace and beauty as you travel your path toward healing. With much love and gratitude, Karin 
Hello Dear Friend, Sister of the Heart, Cherished member of the ‘pack’, If only you could read what you wrote through the perspective of my inner lens and knowing. I am ‘almost’ lost for words.. almost. My dad had an expression when he saw or heard something that amazed him and it was ‘ Holy Mackerels Andy” This seems so funny to see this in print. Having heard this growing up it just seemed normal to me, but not so to everyone of course. I didn’t even realize I said it until and I have to share this story because it tickles me to no end. I had my grandson in the shopping cart and while we strolled down an aisle I said ‘Holy Mackerels!’ and immediately following a tiny voice said Annnndeee! First of all I wasn’t consciously aware that I said this until he piped in with the Andy. Second this little chubby cherub wasn’t talking yet, but he let me know he was hearing every word I said. It struck me how very powerful our words are and impact children even when we think they aren’t listening or understand. I just heard this come out as I was reading your post… Holy Mackerels Andy! or Wow:) ( a shout out to my dad, and I know he’s smiling ). All the effort to stay with what has come up for you while listening to and dealing with it, asking, praying, reading, meditating, walking the walk and the willingness to be real with it all is shining forth Karin. You are the student that the teacher prays all students will become in my opinion. You, Melody, and what others write on this site speak volumes to this each time I read the posts. I’m not surprised to learn you have a degree, nor what it is, considering the times in which you achieved it. What I learned while Managing the business for the American Cancer Society was how narrow if not myopic the focus is in the world of business. Very rare is the person in upper management who can allow or tolerate the thinking of those who color outside the lines. This has always been true though, so no aha there. I want to share what my experience was working under the dictates of the Laws governing ‘ Social Programs’. Lacking in Common Sense would highlight the over all practices one would find. Hands tied are the results and resulting feelings one could expect to experience with all this implies. I was hired to implement a Pilot Program for Homeless Children ( No Child Left Behind). I did not have a BA which was one of the requirements but I had PASSION, life experience with raising my own children and working with children ‘labeled” Resource or Special Ed, and I went after it with everything in me and got it. I threw myself into this with the obsession that something that touches me deeply always evokes (obsession isn’t a bad motivation or trait if it can be called this while in the pursuit of good purposes). First and foremost the families these children were a part of needed to be stabilized. This is what I saw. Putting band-aids on broken bones wasn’t the answer. The answer as Thomas Moore suggests in his book ‘ Care of the Soul’ (Excellent) is better addressed via homeopathic verses alleopathic measures. Look at what’s actually there, don’t seek to change this but rather let it speak to you and you will be able to address the needs of the situation as it is. I was confined to the list of measurable and preconceived ‘goals’ which may or may not have been needed. Each situation needed to be seen in light of the unique and specific situation, history, individuals and how this showed itself in a group/familial dynamic. Providing gas vouchers to a family didn’t address the broken down car or one in need of smog and registration or the one who didn’t have a car at all or had one but didn’t have a license. What about the mother who is walking her kids to a bus stop at 6:30 AM so they can get to school… never mind how is she going to get groceries ‘home’ (where ever this happened to be at the time) and comply with all the appts she must comply with to continue getting the needs of her children met???? Oh the wasted time and effort the rules and regulations can dictate as well as the distressed, distracted, de-energized and dis-heartened efforts of those seeking solutions. The reason why the 12 Step Program of AA worked to begin with, grew and has been the vehicle for change it became is due to the principle of rotation of Service. No one person holds the position of President- Owner -CEO- Boss. All have the right to Serve. I love this. It is what kept me coming back as I wasn’t told what I had to do, when, and how, I was ‘shown’ how a group or fellowship or family respects its individual members as equally important to the whole. Principle not personality governs. So all of this to say I became disillusioned with Social Programs and rightfully so. My personal thoughts with regard to helping women and children is through a grass roots effort minus the dictates of governmental rules and regulations AND interference. On the other side of this issue is being the voice of change for the laws that do not work or help. This too is important. What is also is important is knowing where one’s strengths and talents would be best utilized. So… I went all over the board because my brain finds connections that I see as branches on tree… they are connected and for me have to be expressed or explained as a such. I used to apologize for my process but I am learning to value and appreciate it these days and good for me.. no self imposed self limiting beliefs this year! Thank you Smerk:) I admire your approach in discerning what your niche might be.. wise. To this I would add put your toe in the water and find out what you do and do not like, what does and does not suit you. It’s all valuable at least it has been for me. Even the 5 year stint working in Management, something I never pictured wanted or imagined myself doing. I learned first hand how this works ( or doesn’t:) and understand the innuendo and language of what Corporate mentality ‘really’ means. The same frankly as I always thought it did only now I KNOW what I suspected, to be correct. Tow the line.. say the words…. measure the results on a graph as you deposit the almighty dollar in “our accounts” and do not allow yourself to be ‘distracted’ with the human element. Barf. Lets just say the American Cancer Society uses the lions share of the donated dollars to sustain some high dollar salary’s, all by the way, factual information that can be looked up on line should any citizen/donor choose to do so, as is my right to suggest that it is their right to do so. I love what you shared and took away about Rage and Forgiveness in WWRW, especially powerful to me was ‘the desire for self punishment and vengeance this evoked in us’…. incredibly sad but true is what I have experienced. My mother followed me around with the phone when I stayed with her ( in the first year or so of my divorce) while she had my sister on the line saying ” You need to talk to your sister, you need to forgive her, you should be ashamed of yourself….?? Really. The whole idea that she had participated in an illicit relationship with my husband and father of my children for most of the years of my marriage seemed to completely allude her as to the why of why I couldn’t, didn’t want to, nor had any desire to ‘forgive her’. I did however selfishly ask God to please give me the willingness to become willing to forgive her as it only caused me to be connected to the pain I felt by not doing so. But as you spoke of, counting the cost this exacted from our lives is a necessary and critically important part of the process. Feeling, accepting and letting go of the rage and hurt that violation and betrayal causes is the way out and through. My standard answer when harmed for many years was in essence… No problem, forgive and forget right? No… forgive and remember the lesson is what I tell myself today. I also tell myself when my words or actions create harm for someone else I need to own it make amends and do better. “The guilty position is the childish refusal to accept responsibility” is something I read many years ago and it is my personal prompt or reminder to assess what I am or am not doing to maintain my own integrity, spirituality and balance. Codependent No More…. Amen! Thank you acknowledging the validity of the boundaries I needed to establish for my own self care with my family. It had crossed the line with in me, of being more painful not doing so than it was taking ‘ a break’ to reassess and let it be. My youngest brother accepted’ the deal of 12 years back to prison’ offered vs 25 to life on the hideous 3 strikes law if he went to jury trial. The citizens of this country have no idea what this really is and really costs us all. But this aside as it is a totally different issue, occurred which my other brother and I nearly killed our selves over trying to prevent. We are both somewhat in a state of being stunned with sadness and resigned to what is. Asking ourselves and one another what might we have done differently? And if we had, could it have possibly changed the outcome? There is a sense with our younger brother in which I believe we each in our ways feel what I think is survivors guilt. We wonder why have we been able to walk through the valley and find reasonable happiness, while he continues to live out the devastation wreaked on him. There are no easy answers, there just aren’t. I pray he will with God’s help be able to understand and help us to understand, as he learns for himself the whys and why not’s that I know I am not privy to at least now and perhaps never will be. Our mother is bed ridden and in and out of being coherent now. My brother carry’s the weight of bearing witness to this by proximity. He never complains or asks for help and it has never been his way. I hear the strain and exhaustion in his voice though and ask what can I do? He tells me nothing sis, it is what it is and we knew it would most likely come to this. He calls me everyday when he walks his dogs and I tell myself I am doing what I can as I listen, understand and can validate, as our shared history allows both with and without words or explanation. He understands dropping all that is in my life now is not what is needed and so I pray for this courageous peaceful warrior, my brother and friend, as I sense our collective powerlessness and give it to God. Living in the Mystery as Melody so perfectly named her site and expresses this journey really helps me to live in these moments where I would otherwise grasp at straws to find ‘answers’ verses peace in not knowing. On a lighter note I have two book referrals I think you would benefit by: ” Quiet “by Susan Cain EXCELLENT and especially so I think for where you are now, ( I may have already told you about this one?) and: ‘The Introverts Guide to Professional Success’ by Joyce Shelleman, good insights, strategy’s, validations for the strengths introverts have, etc. Thank you for the acknowledgements about what I am doing now… this really touched my heart. I truly feel like I am living under the skin of who I am when I am with the little ones and cleaning a home even id it isn’t mine, watering and tending plants, cooking meals, doing laundry… I love doing laundry and cleaning floors:) I feel a deep sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that nothing else has ever quite matched… so far! If you have seen the commercial with the little girl who comes home from school and is telling her parents about her day at school while changing the diaper of her sibling, then says I couldn’t wait to get home and see this sweet pea… well that’s me and when I saw it I realized that was me from the beginning. I love babies and children in that way:) I have other interests of course, but this is how I came wired and no longer see it as something less than or to apologize for. Managing the business/Shop as I did felt like a re-run to me. This is where I came to understand that being a mother, taking care of a family and the home, is for some a calling and career choice the same as any other. There are as” many ways to skin a cat” as there are to take on this formidable task too, so let us encourage and support one another in all that we have come here to be and do. You have articulated beautifully your thoughts and thanks Karin and the good news is true friendship is a win/win as I have been the recipient of your insights encouragement and life wisdom and walk. I am grateful God has allowed out paths to cross and converge as He alone knows the perfect timing of all things meant for our Good. God Bless you with continued peace, clarity, purpose, strength and the vision He has for your life. With Lots of Love, Denise
Hi Denise, wolf sister and kindred spirit, I have a big smile on my face as I write this
, and I’ve laughed out loud numerous times as I’ve read your ‘Holy Mackerels Andy’ story. What a hoot! …..especially when I imagine your little grandson chiming in with ‘Andeeeee’ in the grocery store. That is beyond precious. Yes, I know what you mean about things in our subconscious coming out when we don’t even realize it. It makes me soooo fascinated with our psyches because there is so much in there and so much uncharted territory within us. I just wonder how much any of us are capable of tapping into all that is within us during our lifetime. I hope one day we will be able to understand and perceive all that went on in our minds and emotions while we grappled with living the realities of this life, one breath at a time. Because like you said in regard to your grandson, we’ve all absorbed massive amounts of information and emotion since we were so little and it’s all in there. And yes, it’s mind blowing to realize how much a young mind is like a sponge. I wish I would have realized it more when I was raising my kids but there’s only so much we can know as young mothers…while dealing with our own emotional issues and healing. I love hearing how your ‘work’ with little ones and cleaning makes you feel like you are ‘living under the skin of who you are’. What a beautiful way to put it. I’m so glad you realize that you’re wired that way and you don’t have to feel less than or apologize for it. How wonderful 
. I totally agree with you that for some the calling of being a mother and caring for a home is as much as ‘career as anything else’. It certainly does take monstrous amounts of skill, hard work and commitment to do it well. So many things you write just amaze me. I re-read your posts quite a few times before I respond because I feel like I want to emotionally wrap my head around what you say as much as possible before I respond. You always give me so much food for thought and so much inspiration. Thank you for your encouragement and loving support of what I write too. When I write to you I just get in the ‘flow’ and it’s really good….I know I’m seen and heard…and that enables me to share from the ‘real’ me. Thank you. I’ve only found a few people in my life I can do that with. Thank you for sharing about your experience with social programs. Sounds like you went through the mill trying to help people and work with and around the politics… not finding it an easy path to accomplish your heart’s desire. Right now I’m content to be in the ‘meditating and processing’ mode of my journey. I volunteer at an animal shelter doing various things and that is an element that gives me inspiration and grounding in my journey. I’ve always felt a deep connection with animals and so I feel centered when I’m around them. I’m trying to incorporate as many ‘centering’ things in my life as possible…and trying to stay away as much as possible from things and people that make me feel scattered. I do know that, as you said, I want to be in a place where my strengths and talents would be best utilized. At this point I have no idea what that looks like…but the good news is I don’t have to rush to figure it out. After all the years of pushing myself 24/7 to take care of kids, I want to enjoy the luxury of not having to push so hard. It’s a rather unfamiliar feeling but I want to cultivate a new normal of not living on the ragged edge. It’s kinda like letting the ‘snow’ settle in a snow globe so that the scenery or picture can evolve. That’s what I feel like emotionally right now. I’m also enjoying reading more too. Thanks for more book recommendations 
. I actually already own a copy of ‘Quiet’… what an awesome book…I read it when it first came out and I want to read it again soon. I also requested the ‘Introverts Guide to Professional Success’ from my library and I should get that in the next month. I also continue to read a little bit of WWRW every day. I feel like it will always be a part of my daily ‘feeding’. So much strength, truth and courage. I read a quote yesterday and wrote it on a sticky note and taped it on my bathroom mirror. It says ‘to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.’ So very true. May we increasingly make choices to be ourselves and not betray ourselves. I betrayed myself for most of my life by always doing what others wanted. Now I want to be true to myself no matter what the cost. I purchased a really cool poster of a black wolf, framed it and hung it above my bed. I feel like La Loba watches over me now. It’s really wonderful 
. I too am so grateful that our paths have crossed and that my life has been so enriched by our friendship. All I can do is tell God ‘thank you’ over and over for how He has blessed me and helped me through you. Thank you so much for continuing to take the time to write and for your prayers. My prayers continue to be with you as well. And I echo your thoughts and sentiments that ‘God bless you with His peace, clarity, purpose, strength and vision’ as you seek to follow His healing path, one breath at a time. Much love to you my dear friend, Karin
Hello Kindred Sister, What a blessing to read your post and hear all the ways in which you are taking care of, valuing and nurturing yourself. As well as the continued Blessing for me to be heard encouraged validated and supported as I am every time you write to me. My life has been enriched beyond measure by your gentle compassionate spirit and sharing and I Thank you. I smiled from ear to ear when I read that you volunteer at an animal shelter, lucky animals. Your way of being reminds me of my daughter, who like you is very intelligent and never fails to bring out the best in those she is with as well as the benefit of her hard work and talents. I rejoice that you are clear about and respect the place you are ar. Meditating and processing are the work of a wise La Loba who understands the significance and value of this work and what it will bring forth in the days ahead. It can be difficult to hold this ground while the voices that cry out for our time and attention clamor all around us. But you sound resolute and at peace with this knowing and I commend you for this! Makes me want to jump up and down for joy with and for you:) I am grateful you can hear what is sometimes my thinking out loud, suggestions or experiences and take what you like and leave the rest, this is as it should be. I only know I was on the ragged edge after the 24/7 of two children… twice this amount in your case is deserving of all the days of quiet contemplation and restoration I can think of:) Wow! what a powerful quote from WWRW… “exiled from ourselves” rings more in my ears than exiled by others in my life today. I think the threat of being exiled by others is what motivated or forced me to be exiled from myself in my younger years. Such a terrible soul searing either OR choice that we know is an unnecessary option today. But worth the ‘trail of tears’ to be here. I absolutely LOVE that you got the wolf poster and put it over your bed:) what a beautiful reminder of the wisdom you possess and the protection you share in as a member of the pack:) And each new awareness that brings enlightenment to your mind, healing to your heart and life to your spirit. AHHHOUHHHH to that! My only thought with the introvert book was if you are/were planning on a professional career as well as all I shared regarding my experiences with the Social Programs I was involved with. I have been either writing or talking on the phone all day and I suddenly realize I am tired… I am so glad I checked in. Thank You Karin for your continued friendship, love support and prayers. I am Blessed. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day. With lots of love, Denise
Hi Denise, wolf sister and kindred spirit
I really appreciate more than I can say your continued support and validation of my taking time to ‘decompress’ (this has been a word that’s been running through my mind alot lately to describe the lifestyle I’m seeking to live right now). I feel like my life was characterized by sooo much pressure for most of my life…. and now I’m finding more room to breathe and I feel the pressure slowly lifting. It’s a really really nice feeling but also very unfamiliar. Makes me think of deep-sea divers and how they have to be careful to decompress slowly so as to not injure themselves when they come to the surface. That’s kinda how I feel too….that I need to allow myself to feel whatever I feel and take things slowly…not trying to figure things out or demand that I be ‘sorted out’ in a certain amount of time. Easier said than done but it’s my goal anyway. I do find myself enjoying not having to live by a schedule as much…just free flowing and arranging my life with less and less fixed duties. I know it’s a luxury and I do want to appreciate the opportunity as longs as it lasts. Thank you for all the input and suggestions you’ve given me….I appreciate every little bit and for the fact that you want to ‘jump up and down with joy with and for me’ 
Big Smile. You’ve helped me think through many things and I gain so much from your wisdom and life experience. Which makes me think…I read another quote the other day that I put up on my bathroom mirror alongside the last one I told you about… it says ‘if there is but one force which feeds the root of pain, it is the refusal to learn beyond this moment.’ I think that’s so true…. to learn from everything that takes place in our lives, which can take a long time to sort out when there’s deep pain involved…yet willingness to learn is the ultimate goal. That being said, I learn something every time I read your posts, and I’m grateful for each grain of wisdom. And I echo your howl “AHHHOUHHH” for all the ways that you are learning to care for yourself and take steps in your life to be true to all that you are….instinctively following your path. Like you said, worth the ‘trail of tears’ to be here. Amen and Amen. Also, I sure do like hearing about your daughter ‘Dr. Dolittle’. She sounds like an awesome person. I’m not surprised considering the power and love that flow from you…. you’ve instilled those same qualities in her and she’s following her specific instinctive path that brings life and blessing to the lives she touches…just like you. I love the ripple effect 
. I hope you had a nice Mother’s Day. Mine was very relaxing…spent time with 3 out of 4 of my kids and talked to the 4th on the phone. I am very blessed. I hope you’re continuing to enjoy each and every moment you spend experiencing life and beauty in your ‘work’ roles. You know, I’ve heard the quote so many times about ‘finding out what it is you love to do and then finding a way to get paid for it’. I think you’ve done it…. hooooray for you! 
God Bless You richly my friend. I think of you often and pray for you whenever I do, giving thanks at the same time. And I think of you when I look at the super cool La Loba poster above my bed too. AHHHOUHHH! 
Much love, Karin
Hello Dear Sister and Friend, I love your analogy about decompressing as divers do. It conjures up a picture of a calm steady movement through beautiful aqua waters toward the light above, for me. And truer words were never spoken about the need for and sense of unfamiliarity one would feel doing so, after years on the treadmill of motherhood:) Such a crucial transition and transformative time. I am glad you are aware of your own needs and allowing yourself permission to rediscover your wants, hopes goals and dreams:) For some reason not clear to me, I have a vivid memory of a day many years ago when I got a cup of coffee and pulled a yard chair to the center of the garden and sat and just breathed. It felt better than the one and only trip I took to the island of Kauai ( courtesy of my son when he got married) when I sat on the beach, truly. My kids were in their mid teen years during this time, their father was acting crazier by the day and I guess by this point any reprieve was bathed in a golden light I clutched to my being for all it was worth. I am thinking now as I write it was also because I deeply loved the sacred sanctuary of the mtn where I lived. My intuitive sense was that my being there was for a season in my life, it was not a place that circumstance and fate would allow me to remain. My heart took snap shots and I am grateful I listened to the prompting that said take note of this moment. I think in hindsight it was about breathing in all that moment spoke to, both the beauty and the pain that is life. Wow ! another great quote did it also come from WWRW or else where…. the refusal to learn beyond this moment…. what good meat to chew on….(wink) the big book of AA concludes that the reason a person can not recover is ‘contempt prior to investigation’… this is what your quote reminds me of. I just wrote and sent out a blog about this last week. Poor family and friends:)!! They get em fairly regularly from me, but it creates conversation and the responses are always interesting. I raised my kids on a steady diet of quotes, and they both continue to find and share them with me and others. My last sponsor, a tremendous teacher and human being, helped me so much with finding the roots of pain and growing beyond them. Her father shot and killed her mother when she was 13 yrs old. She shared with me how this became ‘her story’ , how she in essence defined her self and her life by this tragedy. Until one day she made the decision to learn beyond the roots of pain of that moment and horrible event. She bought a box and wrote on pieces of paper about the pain and loss and feelings she had about this. She put a chain with a lock around the box and it became her reminder to herself that this pain did not,could not own her. she said it was not her story… it was a horrific life altering tragedy that indeed changed the course and path that she and her siblings would walk from that day forward, but it was not going to be the only story in her life. She channeled all that pain into taking Al- Ateen meetings into Juvenile Hall. She attended domestic violence court cases weekly and offered information and options to the women. She became a sponsor in Al-Anon, she helped in a children’s sunday school class. Not of do gooder mentality that personally makes me crazy just the real deal, this lady kicks butt, she works on her own car, has her pilots license, and listens between the lines when people speak like no one I ever met before. When I first moved into the place I live in now I was terrified to the marrow of bones that I didn’t know how and wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. I got down on knees and asked God for help and the following week I found out about a new start up Al-Anon meeting, I attended and she was there. The moment I heard her speak I realized how true it is that “when the student is ready the teacher appears”. I have been so fortunate to have had so many incredible teachers in my life, I am so blessed. Thank you your kind words about my daughter. The mighty mite is what I call her! All 4 ft 11 inches and 95 lbs of her:) I told her years ago that she is not Mrs Dolittle because she talks to the animals but because she listen to what they tell her. She worked and part time managed a Pet Shop while she was in College and one day brought home two scraggly dehydrated starving kittens that fit in the palm of my hand. I was so upset and said don’t get your hopes up… they may not make it,except not her watch as far as she was concerned, she just said hold this one. So I held a 6 oz ball of fur to my face and talked to it trying not to break down in tears. I could hear water running then a blow dyer and back she comes with a clean little ball of mewing fur and takes the other one to do the same. She had medicine, vitamins, pet nursers and formula and those little orphans plumped up in no time and of course we kept them both:) Living where we did we had a zoo because we could and it was a wonderful experience, especially for Mrs Dolittle:) Gosh I have rambled all over the place today. My mothers day was great, thank you for asking and I’m glad to hear yours was too. The little ones are still keeping me on my toes and believe me when I say I do a face plant when I get home! Thank you for your continued friendship, loving thoughts and words, and support for the roles and place these play in this season of my life. Thank you or sharing your insights and journey with me.. it is a gift for which I am so grateful. Take Good Care AHHHOUHHH ! Much Love to you, Denise