Melody’s Autobiography
Melody’s Latest Release
THE HARDEST PART
I’m back blogging again after not being allowed to talk about what was going on in my life while the police put together the case against the “alleged embezzler.”
It sounds strange to refer to someone I knew as “the alleged embezzler.”Those are cold words.
At first I thought the hardest part was the shock of discovering that someone I cared about had allegedly embezzled almost half a million dollars from me — a big hit for a small business. I kept spinng through the cycles of grief, over and over.
Then as a friend and I prepared the documents for the bank and I had to look at all the allegedly forged checks: Seventeen hundred, nineteen hundred, seven hundred – and that was only one afternoon’s worth of alleged forgery and fraud, the crying started again and this time it wouldn’t stop.
A friend said it best when I interviewed her for The Grief Club.She worked with people with AIDS . When she showed me pictures of friends who had passed, I asked if she ever got used to it — the loss.
“There’s a room in my heart,” she explained.“In that room is the pain from everyone I’ve lost. Now when someone dies, I don’t just feel the pain from losing that person. I go into that room and feel the pain from losing all the others, too.”
What she was saying was that as time passed it didn’t hurt less; it hurt more.
For almost five months, I lived in that room she talked about.I cried when I woke up, in the afternoon, and at night. I wasn’t sure what hurt most, the betrayal or losing the money. It depends on when you ask me. Both losses are huge. Both hurt.
After finishing the paperwork, I thought for sure the hardest part was over but instead I kept crying. Finally I decided to take my own advice, and did the 40-day Make Miracles activity again.I didn’t notice when or how it happened.But it’s like the hand of God reached in and turned my heart right-side up. I could see the positives and possibilities in Life again.
Then on day 39 or 40, when my friend and I were body-boarding in the ocean and I caught a big wave, I smiled. A big smile that came all the way from my heart. Right before my back surgery, body boarding or surfing was my next dream. I thought the surgery sent that dream packing forever — until day 39. My friend noticed it first.
I was happy again.
Today, the alleged embezzler’s name crossed my mind.
“God bless her,” I said.Then I immediately turned on myself.Why am I doing that?I’m the one who could use some blessings now.Bank of America might value their customers, but they don’t value their customer’s claims, at least not when the allegedly forged checks amount to almost half a million dollars.Even when the Bank of America employee assured me that B of A would make every single forged checked good so I wouldn’t have to take the financial loss, I knew the bank would find a loophole, a tech, and some way out — which they did.
It looks like I’ll have to start blessing the bank, too.
Many years ago, when I first started recovery, people taught me not to harbor resentments against people, places, or institutions. When I asked how to let go of these resentments, people told me to ask God to bless anyone I resented until the resentment disappeared. It might take months or years, but that simple activity always worked.Now, when the alleged embezzler’s name or the words “Bank of America” come to mind, instead of focusing on the negative emotions I feel, I ask God to please the person or institution.
The day will come when the alleged embezzler’s name or Bank of America will pass through my mind and I won’t feel the negativity. It will be replaced by true peace.
The hardest part of having so much money embezzled has just begun.It will be over when my pain and resentments have turned into forgiveness.
I don’t have to hire the alleged embezzler ever again. I don’t have to let her legally off the hook (I couldn’t anyway as it’s a criminal case now).I don’t have to speak to her again.But the pain from eight years of alleged lies and betrayal, of her looking at me and saying how much I mean to her (yeah, half a million dollar’s worth), the resentments and hurt all need to be gone.
There’s an old song about not letting the circle be broken. The only thing that can break it is a heart closed to love. Until the circle becomes mended, my work isn’t done.The other parts of this experience were easy compared to this.
“She won,” I told my friend.
“What are you talking about?” he said.“She’s charged with ten felony counts of swindling.You didn’t lose.”
I shook my head.“I wave the white flag.This was like a rape. Just like rapes aren’t about sex — they’re about anger — this wasn’t just about the money.It was about the power.And yes, she won.It knocked me down, took away my belief in myself and Life, and I’m not up off the ground yet.”
My friend turned on his computer and found a segment from Rocky Six. Rocky One, Two and Three helped me start my writing career decades ago.I didn’t know a Rocky Four or Five existed, much less Six. My friend fumbled until finding the right quote.Then he cranked up the volume to make sure I heard.
I’m just paraphrasing, and probably not doing the scene justice.But in it, Sylvester Stallone –as Rocky — lectured his son.He said it wasn’t about how hard he got hit. It was about how hard he could get hit and still get back up again, and stop blaming others.
I’m grateful for friends who care and for Sylvester Stallone. I’m grateful for smiles that come from deep inside. I’m grateful because I’m not alone.
I’ll see you soon here in the mystery where Life can be black, but it’s still a gift.
It’s good to be back.
Melody Beattie
Melody I am so sorry that you are experiencing such heavy losses. But I am ask proud and amazed at your ability to rise again. I feel honored that you have shared this experience and I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for being back Melody. Your gift to me is about learning that recovery does not delete all the loss and pain. Sometimes I feel so confused to experience loss and pain again and again. Since February I am doing the Miracle activity. First I felt angry and betrayed nothing happened but now I see what’s happening: I’m starting to practice acceptance in my daily live. Thanks for sharing your hard parts and I wish Mircles will happen and that you get your money back.
Melody, I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. Thank you for continuing to share your story and for being so honest about your heartbreak and struggle. You inspire me and others to keep going and you bring hope when life really hurts. I’m so glad you feel joy coming back to your life. I smile when I think of you body boarding with a smile on your face.
And I’m really glad you’re back to blogging…thank you. I wish you peace and healing.
Melody, I feel so sorry that you have had to go through such a sad experience. I like to believe that the person who did this to you will have the Laws of the Universe to deal with, even if Bank of America and the court system are unable (or unwilling) to bring you justice. While it may appear that this person has “won”, I don’t believe that’s possible. Several years ago I had serious problems with a contractor I hired to work on my house. By the time I realized that his crew was totally incompetent, I had paid him a lot of money. I could not get the town building inspector to come look at the problems, though some were even structural. He would send a part time assistant who would tell him he really needed to come out himself, but he never did. I decided to go through the state arbitration program for building contractor problems, and hired a local lawyer. It was obvious to me after the case was over that he never even read the information from the state program, and could not have done a worse job representing me if he tried. But he sent me a big bill, which I refused to pay. I did win the case, but with barely enough compensation to fix a fraction of the things they did wrong. I spent many months in a state of bitter anger, not sleeping well, etc. At the time, I was caring for a terminally ill brother. I guess I was angry at myself as well, for not being more attentive to what was going on right from the beginning. I just trusted. It was more than I could handle that the builder let me down, then the building inspector, and then the lawyer. It finally dawned on me that maybe it was my anger that kept bringing one incompetent, dishonest, disreputable person after another into my life. I had to learn how to let go of the anger and move on with my life. It wasn’t until after I lost my son that I was totally able to let go of all the anger. I think maybe a lesson I needed to learn was how to speak up for myself every step of the way, not to allow ANYONE to intimidate me. I don’t believe anyone can steal from another and expect good to come of it in the end. What goes round comes round, sure as the sun rises every morning. It wasn’t easy, but I’ve found peace, and I pray for you that you will find the same. You seem well on your way. It was so good to read that your dream of body boarding has been realized. May it be the beginning of many more dreams. The Universe is most certainly looking out for you as you continue to help so many of us through our own struggles and heartache. Thank you Melody, for sharing your life with us. Love, Oyster
Thanks Oyster, Karin, Peter and Liz for your good thoughts, and for sharing your experiences with me. I do feel like I’ve passed a “hump” and instead of crawling uphill, I’m on the downhill run. Yes, sometimes we have things going on that attract incidents to us (in my case maybe beliefs about deserving money?). All these little “kinks” in our psyche deserve our attention and mindfulness. But our odds are just plain bad (at least according to the NYTimes). With 88 percent of the people we run into being willing to rip us off and run, that means nine out of ten interactions will likely end up badly, especially if we’re using the yellow pages. I haven’t operated on blind trust — not for a long time. But now I’m learning to investigate even more deeply. For instance, when looking for a new bookkeeper and CPA, I asked a friend to come with, listen to the interviews, and I took the time to interview more than one. What was interesting was that the firm I hired was the place I initially had the most resistance to even scheduling an interview with …. I wanted to initially blow them off as not even being in the running. In retrospect, that’s a telltale sign, because it means there was something different about this, I was behaving differently, interviewing a different “type” than normal — and hopefully going outside my previous patterns. In this case, that’s good. But you’re right about the second part. The time period when I got ripped off was when I was caring for my dying mom, making sometimes multiple monthly trips to Minnesota, doing all her paperwork (thank God I handled all the money for the conservatorship and the documents myself). Plus, I was recouping from my surgery in Germany, then playing “catchup” with my work. I was distracted, too busy, and mindfulness was a word, not a daily practice. I didn’t have time. Well, any time I thought I saved by rushing all got eaten up by the time I ended spending fixing this mess in the end. There are many lessons with this, some of which I likely won’t become aware of for years. But definitely mindfulness and slowing down are one. Again, thanks to all of you for your loving thoughts and good wishes. You have all become an important part of my life and I missed our connection. While these are blogs, I think of them more as emails to new friends. /mb
Dear Melody , Never put a price on your Life …. You cannot serve god & mammon … You cannot serve the Great Spirit and wampum !! You are a Great Writer , no Doubt ! I have read 7 or 8 of your books , starting with the Big One : CoDependent No More ! Please keep writing books , you have a great gift & you are a hard worker ! Your Victory will be in continuing your great skill – writing !!! What you say – lets give it 40 days for YOUR NEXT MIRACLE ? ! Keep your chin up HIGH ! Lets Roll ! Let no punk crook Rob you of your self – esteem …. You are made of stronger stuff than that ! And therapy does help , group therapy CAN be helpful too ! Believe in your Godself within ! And when you REALLY need help , Call on JESUS ! love , Mark 9-5-2011
Hi Mark. I appreciate you writing in, but we try to avoid cross-talk here and telling each other what to do. This site is based on the belief that we each have our own connections to a Higher Power of our own understanding, and through that connection will be guided in what to do. While we each have a right to the religion of our own choosing, we let each person choose his or her own spiritual beliefs and understandings, and not shove our beliefs at anyone else. (Doing so tends tto make people back off.) Instead, we do our best to operate using the principle of unconditional acceptance and love (unless it’s spam — and then it’s a bot talking, not a person). For many people — including me — standing up to mistreatment and not being victimized is a critical and key part of our lives. Be well. Peace. /mb
Hi Steph. Thank you for your comments. Re your question, I’ll tell you what I’ve told the thousands of others who have asked the same thing: you don’t start by writing a book. You don’t start by finding a publisher or even an agent. You start by studying writing (reading books, taking workshops, etc. for several years) until you can answer those questions yourself. Writing isn’t an isntant thing; it’s work, it’s a craft, and it’s learned behaviors. Give writing it’s respect by studying it, and honoring the craft. When you can answer these questions because you’ve studied, read, attended online workshops, etc. — then you will know if you’re ready to write your book. Hope this helps. Melody
Hi Mark. In re-reading your comment, I wanted to apologize. You were being encouraging, helpful, and kind. I’ve been pretty raw lately, and took it as “preaching” at me (my bad). Thanks for writing in, and please accept my apology for coming back at your rather harshly when you were being kind and reaching out. My best, Melody (Also, I tend to do these comments — review them — late at night or early in the morning when I’m tired. We have a couple spammers; I read your email too quickly, and just plain misinterpreted it.) Sorry. mb
Well see I sort of understand …. but I just can’t hide Jesus away in a lockbox or put the Great Spirit in hide away under a tree or something …. I am open minded too …. It is just that I can tell your pain has been great and as a former lifeguard & army medic I was trying to help …. I think you are right that real healing can take a long time , almost a lifetime …. So I guess I was trying to spare you some long term pain ….So maybe I will detach and hope that everything comes out alright for you …. Maybe you can sing like I can , the rolling stones tune ” Time , time , is on my side , yes it is ! ” Good luck …. and blessings …. Mark p.s. feel the feelings has been effective for me too at times ….
Hi Mark. Did you get my apology? I just posted it a couple hours before I saw this post — it must have gone somewhere else “in the great internet ethers.” At any rate, I often respond to my site comments late at night (or early in the morning, depending on how late I worked). I don’t always think or read clearly then — and when I read your email: 1) I got it confused with some spammers we’ve had of late and then, when I realized it wasn’t spam, I (I was and am pretty raw, but not as much) — anyway, I took it as preaching. On second look, when I was clearer and more well rested, I saw an email from someone who cared very much and was writing to convey that care for my well-being. So I apologize for my response — I came off badly and I’m sorry. None of us have to explain or hide our belief systems, either. I don’t know how familiar you are (or aren’t) with twelve step programs, but because most people are so alienated from their Higher Power, God as they understand God — when they first come in, the program suggests keeping our religious beliefs out of the program and talking about the issues at hand — giving us each the right to our own beliefs (or non-beliefs) and trusting that God is big enough to handle that, and guide us to where He wants us to be in that regard. I was coming from a “program” perspective — that’s all. Anyway, I had written earlier to say i was sorry for coming off so crassly, and thank you for your concern. Best, Melody
Dear Melody , YES, YES, I got the apology on Oct. 12 , THANKYOU SO MUCH , somehow I felt it was not you before , you so full of LOVE , lots of love & Mature love , like a Godmother !! I felt no, that is not the Melody I know in her many Great books ….. And you feel so Real in your books and you are wise and you are kind ….. Geeze I was having some rough days …And we do have crazy days and days that hurt ; but we can hold tight to our higher power, our jesus , our loved ones, our therapists , our friends !! So you REALLY made my day tonight , I can sleep with a clear mind ….These are hard times , but we don’t have to become hard or uncaring ….. Or as Jesus said , ” fear not , for I have overcome the world ! ” I have been on the spiritual journey & following along with yours as well …. ! Welcome to the West Coast , I hope you enjoy it Mucho – Senora ! If we let go easier we seem to do better , like live longer ! I have alot of questions for you , but I am trying to be strong for you ….. Thanks for your many great gifts in writing ! Know that many of us do care alot for you ! Take it easy once in awhile …. I am taking a HEALING THROUGH WRITING Class now at N.Seattle CC …. Mark in Seattle 10-13-2011
Hi Melody, We’re thrilled your blogging again and recovering >>> Hooray for You, Melody!!! We love hearing from you. Your a wonderful writer and person! Welcome back. Thanks for hosting us! Thank You!
I enjoyed your mentioning the Rocky movies. I admit that I have turned to them in times of pain as well when I needed a boost of inspiration. Keep fighting!
Thanks for your comment. There was a time when the Rocky movies were “cool.” I’ll have to check out Number 6, as it looks/sounds good too — like something I could use. Melody Beattie
Melody, Bless you. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I once used the resentment exercise for many months like a mantra until it finally worked. I think it is time for me to use it again. I send you blessings and I know you are sending blessings to yourself as well as to all of us who have learned from you.
Thanks, Shari. It’s so easy to get to thinking our resentments are justified. They can move in like unwanted house guests, and live there (inside us) so long that it begins to feel like they’re a normal and natural part of us. And while it’s completely normal and natural to respond to someone screwing us over, betraying us, or doing us wrong — and in fact we need to feel our emotions of hurt and anger — there comes a time to let these “house guests” go. It’s such a fine line, because if we gloss over our feelings too soon, it becomes denial and repression. If we wait too long, the resentments become hardened and difficult to remove. The best thing we can hope for is despite whatever happened, we’re still being guided (which can get hard to believe when our guidance led us straight into quicksand). This path we’re choosing to walk is a complex one, full of oddities, irony, and mysteries. Maybe it’s time for me to blog about anger — it’s such a tough emotion and an Achille’s heel for many of us. We feel so guilty when we feel anger, and yet it can be such an important pointer in understanding what and who we need to let go. Melody
Miss Melody, This would be my first time ever writing to you. I have read your books for years. I have taught one-way relationship and codependency awareness in the male prison system to offenders for 10 years. Now I am a part-time outpatient counselor for a company and growing private mental health and addictions practice, also part-time. Both of these jobs feel more like 2 fulltime projects. Just wanted to let you know that I buy self-help books for my self adn my clients to read and grow. the last one was “Making Miracles”. I first loaned it to one of my clients the very first day that it arrived. I am always leary of lending but as the saying goes “If you have something let it go….” When the client returned the book she had nothing but praise for the lessons and enlightenment. I took the book with me on a trip to Oklahoma (boot camp graduation for my step-son). I read and completed the book on plane trips and layovers. I always felt that you were writing to me and to everyother person who has gone through similar events, trials and tribulations. On my “bucket list” writing a book has always been at the top. But with crazy hours at 2 part-time with really two forty hour-a-week jobs, a house and a husband there is no time. Perhaps this is an excuse or a way for God to tell me that my time is not yet. I think that what I would write would only be a reitteration of what has already been put to paper. Why bother. So I vascillate between “yes write a book, won’t be a best seller but do it anyway,” and “fagettaboutit.” Even counselors are people, too, I sometimes remind my clients. So I am people, too. Thank you for your inspiration. I am not certain where to start with a publisher. Any suggestions? Steph
Melody, My husband recently completed a 30 day recovery program for addiction. While he was gone, a counselor recommended I read your book, Codependent No More. I did and found it extremely helpful in so many ways. A lot of it was like reading my own biography, I thought “wait a minute…this is “a thing” that other people go through, something they write books on? Not just my crazy brain?” A lot of my codependent tendencies I attributed to trying to control situations that I thought I could because of not being able to control certain other situations that were clearly out of my hands. Those “other situations” revolve mainly around Bank of America and the two and a half year battle I’ve been waging with them regarding my home loan. I thought, I wonder if this author had to deal with the daily hassle that BOA has put me through, would she still be able to follow the advice and best practices outlined in this book? When I read your blog today, it was like God playing a practical joke. (Except not so funny for you or me.) Thanks for your words of wisdom on how to handle yourself when up against an “institution” such as that. I’ve found that taking the time to try and get to know something about whomever I’m talking to on the other end of the phone at Bank of America, helps me to humanize the experience and feel like less of a victim. Hope everything works out for you and your persistence pays off. Best, Karla
Just because I wrote the book on codependency doesn’t mean I’m “fixed” once and for all (although I hoped my first lesson in detachment was the end of my struggles with codependent situations). Ha Ha — but not funny. I later learned it was more like going to college for a Master’s Degree. The original situation with my alcoholic was the equivalent of a college introductory course — the beginning of learning a new set of skills, beliefs and thinking to replace the worn-out survival behaviors that used to dictate the way I was living. I would be required to use these new self-care skills in a widening set of circumstances, and often more challenging ones, for the rest of my life. It’s been an ongiong process of learning new behaviors and fine-tuning other ones, including — as you mentioned above — adding “diplomacy and humanizing” to our bag of tricks. Studying Aikido helped — learning to harmonize and see situations from the other person (or instiution’s) point of view. It’s helped with hostile or antagonistic interviews and in many unexpected events life throws my way. It’s important, though, not to confuse codependency with grief. (The longer I’ve practiced these new behaviors, the more I think codependency may often be grief, and the other way around. Add two additional stages to grief — guilt and obsession — and voila, you’ve got codependency.) This reply is a long way of saying yes, I still have to apply the behaviors I wrote about EVEN and ESPECIALLY with Bank of America — and other individiuals and businesses as the recession turns once trust-worthy people and businesses into entities not much different than a manipulative, scheming alcoholic (dynamically speaking). I suspect I’ll have a long-term situation going on with Bank of America, as they refused to honor so much as one forged check, although the bank’s personnel repeatedly reassured me in the beginning that “I didn’t need to worry, it was the bank’s responsibility to pay for every forged check the bank honored.” (Also not a funny joke when that initial reassurance turned into a letter from the bank that read (paraphrased): Dear Valued Customer: Due to UCC Code blankety, blankety, blankety we won’t be held responsible for a dime of the money you lost when you got ripped off, despite our verbal promises to protect your money. We’re a business and if you think we’re going to pay you anything at all, we strongly suggest you seek professional help.”) No, they didn’t actually say that, but the essence of their response was the same. I won’t bore my readers with a discussion of the legal points involved. But just as we trust someone we marry to be honest, loving and true, we trust our bank to honor what they said they’d do when we entrusted them with our money. See, I naively thought they meant it when they called me a “Valued Customer.” You may have too. I’ve since learned that “Valued Customer” is about the same as when a man calls us “Sweetie” because he doesn’t remember our name. The bottom line is that Bank of America doesn’t want to pay one penny that they aren’t forced to by the courts. Like other businesses, B of A is in business to help themselves, not us. With automation, most banks no longer physically examine the checks they pay using our funds. A professional in the money world, a CPA, told me that an employee of his who previously worked for a bank, had been instructed by bank personnel that actuarials had been run that determined it would be less costly for banks to pay off any claims for forgery or fraud that the courts ordered them to pay (after a series of appeals when they lost) than to teach and hire employees to physically examine checks and then let employees spend time doing that. The UCC (Uniform Commerical Code) helped, but it helped the banks — not us. We’re disposable. Big business isn’t. Bank of America knows that most people don’t have resources to battle with them in David and Goliath fashion. They’re counting on us to cave in. What they’re not counting on and what actuarials don’t consider is that we’ve been armed with different skills than theirs, skills that include “letting go” and then taking guided action. (We’re also taught to let go in love, but I’m not quite there yet. Eventually that needs to come for my peace and well-being. But my loss isn’t as old as yours and we’re all allowed to be angry for a while when we’re truly victimized. It’s necessary to get all our feelings out — safely and in a way that doesn’t hurt other people or us.) A bank is an entity that doesn’t have feelings. They have policies and rules. Okay, enough about that except for this: I find that while Life doesn’t change because we read a book, or detached from one person, or learned about our codependency — we do change over time. Whenever we practice these new behaviors: letting go, setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves, using clear and forthright communication, and asking for help whether we’re asking our Higher Power or an attorney, we grow better at the art of self-care in this rapidly-changing world. Likely, we’re going to be challenged by circumstances off and on all our lives. The statistics are overwhelming. The kindest thing we can do is not to get hardened, confuse giving up with letting go, or turn our backs on life. Instead we can view these situations as “tests on the mat at the dojo while we’re earning our next belt.” Armed with these tools, I don’t think Bank of America stands a chance. All we have to do is take a deep breath and use our skills the best we can. Thanks for your well-thought-out, honest comment — delivered with humor. I appreciate you taking the time to post, and wish you the best. Please keep us informed on how things go with the bank — and with the rest of your life. In the back of my mind, I’m planning a book and screenplay on Standing Up for Ourselves (When the Rest of the World Wants Us to Sit Down). Whether at some future point that materializes (I have many other screnplays I want to write first), I’m just plain interested. And to the rest of you who are fighting for what you have coming, practice what you know and be prepared to learn something new. Don’t let your emotions control you — deal with them first, before engaging in any intereactions. It will increase your essential power. And like Karla mentioned, remember you’re dealing with a person — people who want to keep their jobs and are working for a faceless corporation whose only goal is to turn a profit not to serve the masses they casually call “valued customers.” The people we’re talking to need to follow company policy. Like I said to the people on the Merrill Lynch side of Bank of America (people I genuinlyy like because I’ve learned that whether you’re having a problem with a business or not, underneath the entity and on the other end of the phone is a person like Karla said), “You know I’m going to sue the bank. But I definitely want to keep doing business with you. The suit is nothing personal — just as Bank of America’s denial of my claim isn’t personal either. They’re doing what they need to do and that’s just how bit business works. There’s no way they were ever going to honor my claim for that much money. From the start — when they asked me to spend two months filling out paperwork — they knew exactly what they were and weren’t going to do. Any large, multi-million dollar corporation would take that stance. To them, denying my claim is good business — just like my attorney suing them won’t be personal either. It’s what any valued customer would do.” They said they understood and I want to believe they do. So David, get ready to pull that slingshot back. Goliath is coing and you’ve only got one shot. Make it good. My best, Melody Beattie
Ms. Melody, You are a true inspiration in writing of your trials and experiences which are food for textbooks and real recovery from what life throws at us. If I may, I would like to present a book that my good friend, who is also a survivor, has written and I would love your feedback. Please consider a possible review. (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Gardens-Macantar-Codependency-Relationship/dp/1462013171/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316299998&sr=1-1) Love in the Gardens of Macantar: A Spiritual Journey of Healing from codependency and relationship addiction Lisa Acor Laurel This book is a memoir which explores the entire year before the beginning of freedom for Ms. Laurel. Freedom in the sense of no more addiction to relationships with men, drugs, and alcohol. And it portrays her emotional struggle to keep the sanity from destroying her and keep it away from her son. It is Christian faith-based as there are many quotes from Corinthians that has guided her out of her personal hell. Ms. Laurel’s story tells a bit about my story. She punctuates much of my own life with her experiences and had me rooting for her saying, “I hear ya sista’!” I don’t label this book as a ‘self-help’. Women need validation for their courage to persue their own inner journey. This book does just that. And this is what I label it, “women-helping-women”. Pick it up. It’s a quick read and you will want to read it over and over again as you persue your own journey of regaining your passions and true happiness. Lisa Acor Laurel is a native Long Islander and works in the gardening industry, promotes and practices organic methods, is an avid labyrinth, meditation garden creator, and church participant, and a well-versed writer, this being the first of several books to come. She holds CASAC certification and studied acupuncture at NYI of Chinese Medicine. You may visit her online at http://www.spirit-renewal.com. Thank you for the consideration, Ms. Melody. Be well. With regards Monique
Hi, Monique. I appreciate your commenting — but I do need to say that I like to keep my sites as decommercialized as possible (although yes, I sell books and have been known to send people to other people’s books too). But the comments and forums are meant to be people sharing their struggles, not selling — mostly because that reduces the reader’s ability to be safe. The majority of the time (other than having a copy of a book on the side of the page), I don’t mention even my books. Realistically, having a website is about a way to “promote” my work. But I genuinely try to let go of that, and focus on sites that are of service to other people’s needs — two entirely different issues and not always or easily done. I will allow this post to go through. I may in the future review other people’s books. But for you (and others) — please don’t use these forums and blogs as a way to contact me for speaking engagements, get me to endorse your books, or advertise? Thanks. That way we keep it clean. It’s my commitment to keep advertising to a minimum here, and like I wrote previously, focus on service to my readers. If all of you reading this have any comments or thoughts about the subject, feel free to write in and let me know. (It’s hard writing this with a copy of my book next to it, but if I didn’t have the book, I wouldn’t need the website). mb
Monique, I also want to add that I hope my response didn’t come off as too harsh. Right now I’m caught up in mountains of aperwork concerning an “alleged embezzlement” that I just discovered and went through. I haven’t been able to work at my own work all year — and I still ahve months before i can get back to it — what I’m saying is that my plate is stuffed right now and the work at hand is pressing — first things first. Maybe in a year I can do a review, but I can’t take it on right now, not and do it justice. I schedule my life and work about two years in advance — so I’ve got to finish one project I already began before discovering the embezzlement. I have others for after that but at that time, I could possibly do a review for your friend. Stay in touch. Melody Beattie
Hello Melody, First let me tell you how much your books have helped me, since the days of Codependent no more. Your work did really have a positive impact on my life, and probably on people around me as well. What a great way to improve the world ! I felt a sight of relief when I read your comment about the fine line between forgiveness and repression. This is certainly what I was telling myself while reading your post: well, our issues are very different. You need to proceed to forgiveness, I need to proceed to anger ! I spent years no feeling any anger nor resentment, not really investing in any relationship, being walked all over and then running away when it was really too much (talk about repression!). Then I would congratulate myself for being such an independant girl who did not need anything from anybody (all the while being the most emotionally dependent person I knew. Talk about denial!). So as far as I’m concerned, I just discovered anger, and I’m perfectly content to wallow in it for ages when someone hurts me. I love the sheer energy of it – and this is the energy which allows me to set boundaries. In fact for me the two go hand in hand. I don’t want forgiveness !! I’m not obsessing about folks who treated me badly, but I’m not willing to forgive them either. And too bad if it is not \therapeutically correct\, as you say (but maybe I will \get\ the forgiveness bit later. If it’s the case I’ll remember what you have written about it then. Take care Lauren
Thanks for your email. I was about to reply essentially the same way to another email. Everyone gets in such a hurry for us to rush to forgiveness — if we’re angry about something for a few months, they’re fussing about hardened resentments. BS. Having half a million dollars stolen merits some hurt and anger, as do many losses that we’ve been through. It’s when we don’t express our hurt and anger that our resentments eat us alive. Getting these feelings out, and staying with ourselves until our heart heals gradually and naturally on its own time, is the only way to truly become free of our pasts. Thanks, mb
I was deeply affected by your situation and PRAYED for you. My biggest concern right at the time was worrying that resentment might “eat you alive.” It is such a powerful thing. I am so glad that it is over. Through it all you always maintained your grace and dignity and kept HP with you – that shows that this program works. THANK YOU for being such a living example. I am always the “Polly-anna” in the room but I believe that in some way the money will come back too. Perhaps from a future or even present book that takes off quite unexpectedly. AWARENESS in all our doings is hard to learn. Life sometimes whaps us over the head with our magic wand – and it hurts. Once this has all passed and healing begins there will be a new “spaciousness” that replaces the confining feeling of being had. Thanks for your ever-vivid lessons and for being you. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say , “we love you.”
Hi Bryan. While I do appreciate your concern, love and prayers, I need to also stress the need we all have to feel our hurt and anger until it’s gone. It’s when we don’t do that — when we speed or gloss over what we’re honestly feeling and race to forgiveness and peace — that our anger, hurt and resentments eat us alive. It’s especially important in a program that teaches us initially that we “cannot be resentful” to understand the difference between anger and hurt, and a hardened resentment (and there is one — a difference). Thanks for taking the time to comment, and I hope things are well with you. I’m just glad “the stealin’s done.” mb
Melody, Codependent No More has recently changed my life. I only wish I had known about it years ago when my struggles started. You and others inspired me to start my own blog on depression and anxiety. It can be found at onemanswar.blogspot.com I would be so honored if you would check out my humble little blog.
Very nice blog — quite impressive (especially for a man). I say that because most men don’t want to talk about feelings. They want to sit down and talk about the “game” — and maybe sneak a feeling in here and there — or not. Good, honest writing. Congratulations on your journey into awareness. (Like I’ve said — at least to myself — for years: consciousness is its own punishment.) Life is so different from what we expected, at least it has been for me. To let go of my expectations, to be in each moment and LET MYSELF BE WHO I AM is what self-love turns out to be. In the beginning I thought it meant truly “loving” myself all the time. Too much! Then I learned that being present for and aware of myself IS love. Now, that I can do — at least a day at a time. Thanks for your post. See you on the happy road of destiny ….
“Life can be black,but its still a gift”. That is language I can identify with although I chuckled at “its still a gift”. That has been hard to believe for me. Oct. 31 was a year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I am in recovery now, have 9 months clean and sober. That puts a big smile on my face! Just got Make Miracles in 40 days from the library on cd. I think I have my first miracle already in 3 days,maybe. A way to deal with one resentment that has been eating me alive! I feel differently after hearing that I can relax in the mystery life presents, that I do not have to figure it out which is a form of control. I want to relax!! Thanks.
Melody, I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you this year. I totally understand and emphasize with you. I too was betrayed by people that I cared about and trusted, once with my job, after returning from San Francisco from cleaning up after my brothers suicide which was immediately after my mother in laws death from a long ugly illness I was in a fog, started to make a bad decision, did not do it, but an employee turned me in and I lost my job immediately; and then betrayed by a person within the ministry that I was involved in a few weeks later. Truly dark days for me. But it was with God’s help and yours too( I read Journey to the Heart every day) and bit by bit, piece by piece I am in the process of being made whole again. Thank you for sharing yourself with us I have read many, many of your books, I give them to anyone who is needing encouragement in life. I felt your pain in “Playing it by Heart” as I am now. I wish you peace, we both know that time and trust in God heals all. I have added you to my daily prayer list, I pray for your well being and peace. Thank you for everything that you have given to me and many others through your words, and experiences. God Bless You, Faith
Hi Faith. Thanks for your kind and caring comments. It sounds like you did a very brave thing during a crazy time in your life. I never understood how crazy family can get (yes I know how crazy family can get under ordinary circumstances) — but when money or a will is involved. There’s an old saying, “Insane with grief,” and now I know where it comes from — people really do go insane with grief. They do and say things they ordinarily wouldn’t do. When my son died, it’s as though the rational, logical part of my mind shut down. To make matters worse, my assistant then was my son’s best friend’s mother — a wonderful woman, but she was in deep grief too — unable to help me the way she wanted to. We’d just look at each other and cry. It left me so vulnerable. One of my “wish list items” is that I could set up a system that helped protect vulnerable people in deep grief from all the vultures that come to pick their bones. I don’t know how I’d ever do it, but it’s something that’s needed — for the elderly, for those in sudden, shocking loss, and other people in other circumstances too. It’s like our grief is so very deep and permeating — and many of us are so (ate least temporarily) angry at God, that it’s hard to get the spiritual protection and guidance we need. People say we’ll never get more than we can handle — but I have — on several occasions. It waas like walking through quicksand wearing concrete boots. I just kept sinking, and nothing helped me come up for air. Eventually I made it through, but it was a long, difficult journey. This summer has been another one of those. I’m almost done, but as I’ve said, “Close only counts in horseshoes.” It doesn’t help in financial matters and transferring bills and financial information. It’s more like mountain climbing. You’re not “done” until you reach the top of the mountain, and then come down the other side. At last I feel like I’m on my way down. How long it will take, I no longer try to guess. I feel badly I haven’t been able to be present on my sites the way I want to, but this paperwork needs to be done. Again, thanks to you (and all the people who post here) for your well-wishing comments and posts. It means a lot to me (and it does help). Best, Melody Beattie
Betrayal??? Everyone in my life that was closest to me has done that at least once….Parents, Spouse, employees, friends, etc. Have I betrayed anyone? Yep! Somewhere along the line I have. I have 7 years in recovery and just because I am in recovery AND past mid-life, doesn’t mean it won’t happen again that someone hurts me …terrribly. And yes, I have also written a book on codependency…”Love in the Gardens of Macantar; A Spiritual Journey of Healing from Codependency and Relationship Addiction”..and just cause I wrote it doesn’t mean I am all cured. I am recovering now from a Job that was horrible…two years of it…and my codependency kept me in it long past expiration date because I kept hearing my self-talk speaking, “You haven’t done enough…you haven’t tried hard enough…yadda yadda”. I am a big drained lump right now…but the day that I made a solid decission to leave…I felt 10 years younger and had passion again. Almost instantly! Same results…over and over….and over. But I am learning. I needed to once again..rise like the pheonix from the ashes…dust myself off..and go forward. What else is there? I look forward to the next adventure God has for me. I am learning to listen to the still small voice within a little closer.
It’s SO much easier to see how others have betrayed us than it is to see how we’ve betrayed them. A real sign of spiritual growth is when we understand that each person has a valid perspective or take on each indiv idual situation. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and best of luck and success with your book. Melody Beattie
I would like to add….your book..”The language of Letting Go”..I wrote a review that said “the book saved my life until I learned to save my own”. You are a HUGE Gem. You have been a God send, no doubt. Thank you for all your acts of service…your compassion, and your writtings. We wouldn’t be as far along without them. Love and Peace and Inspiration to you now and in the coming year. Lisa
Thanks Lisa. But You’re the one who did the work. All I did was follow the Golden Rule — I wrote about what helped me, or what I try to use as my goal for healthy behaviors. Doesn’t mean I always make the mark, but part of loving ourselves is beign good to ourselves even when we don’t do as well as we’d like to. There are so many dang lessons to learn …. /mb
Yes…it is indeed amazing how just being kind, gentle and compassionate to ourselves can be so empowering. Thank you so much for responding….feels good to be responded to instead of judged.
Hi, I can “hear” the sorrow in your post. I’m also suffering from a broken heart right now, although mine an engagement to my fiance and yours to your co-worker, the pain in your words are like a broken heart. I’m in mourning too. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful Christian man, and now tomorrow I have a hearing about putting a restraining order on him. We just have keep getting back up and moving forward. God always provides my next step. God Bless!
Thanks for taking the time to comment. You wrote a post commenting on a post I made a while back — and you’re right; I spent most of the summer in deep grief. But by allowing myself to do that, I’ve naturally begun to move forward, almost to a place of letting go and forgiveness. It just doesn’t cross my mind that much anymore, and I realize that the biggest thing I lost was a year out of my life doing paperwork instead of what I love to do. That’s part of “living in the mystery” — not understanding the whys, and being willing to move forward even though we’re blindfolded half the time. Best, Melody
Amen. Glad to hear more people going through life on life’s terms. I am gearing up to go “somewhere” this next season…have no clue what my Higher Power has in store, but he hasn’t let me down YET, and there have been alot of times in my life where I felt I would never rise up and move onward and upward again. But I did. And I will. It seems difficult to say at the least to keep “fear” at bay right now, but I am working on trying to stay in the day while planning ahead at the same time. And by that I mean, staying open and receptive to see what comes my way and then diserning if I want that opportunity or not. I have some choices today. This January will be my third year without a romantic partner, Michele…and as I’ve said in a few previous posts, it was the best decision for me. There IS life after relationships. I choose to stay single, but for those who choose to find a partner…more power to them…and each partner that doesn’t work out is for the learning. I am sorry for your loss…but keep the faith. LIfe’s a journey.
Righto, Lisa. (Re the lessons and journey.) For me, I suspect that this is my opportunity to make it known that enough of my past guilt has left that anyone that commits a criminal offense against me will be prosecuted to the absolute and fullest extent of the law. That’s a new position for me. Sometimes we can have too much forgiveness and compassion — or maybe have/direct it the wrong time and the wrong way. It’s always a boundary when we say, \I’ve had enough.\ And this time, I’ve had enough — so it’s boundary-setting time. They do get fun, but they take an enormous amount of energy and this one certainly has (setting boundaries, I mean). I actually feel good inside — not resentful, not mourning all the time (just a little once in a while). But I am itching to get back to work instead of working on the financials. Best and Happy Holidays. (I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for quite a few years — since before my surgery and that was in 2005. I said I couldn’t live without three men throughout my life — now they’re all dead and I’m still alive so that just goes to prove that I was wrong.) mb
I made a mistake…not three years…it is going on four years…w/o a relationship…lol! My, how time flies! Being the relationship addict that I am…I am attracted to the personality type that is charismatic and gives me that excitement….I get totally high off of romance. SO….abstenance for me…The key was working on self-esteem and likeing my own company. There are times when I wish I could share a certain moment with someone…but I know how the outcome will evenually be….strife and abuse…so I treat it like a drink..”Gee, would be nice to have wine with this meal, BUT….” Same with a relationship. Soon, it would be drama and pain… I am not good at them. I know my limits. Nor, do I want to try to ‘learn’ how to have a relationship. They take ALOT of thought and energy….energy that could be better spent on spiritual and creative persuits. Yes, sometimes it is a drag doing everything by yourself……..but it outweighs the heartache that always follows in my relationships. This is just about me……..some people are great in them. Good for them….relationships can be sacred. But just trying to navigate “normal” everyday stuff is about enough for me. Learning and keeping boundries with family and friends is enough for now. Happy Holidays to you, too. 2012 should be an interesting year.
Lisa, I think we can have it all …. but just not at once. I know for me, I have to have priorities. My surgery and recovery was a priority, and I needed to do it myself. Then, finishing my business with my mother was a priority — an it would have been an entirely different experience had I been in a romantic relationship at the time. Now — although there’s never a good time to be robbed — is really the first time since 2005 that I’ve had time to do all the disgusting paperwork that needs to be done, and I sure don’t have time for a relationship now (and if I want my bills paid timely, I need to get this work done – priority again). Then, I need and WANT to write — and when I write, I can’t and don’t write eight hours a day. I live, sleep, and breathe what I’m working on; transported into another world. I cannot bring anyone there with me, or have someone waiting and tapping his foot. The people who have known me a long time all know I eventually come back, and that it’s not about them — it’s just the way I need to work. i deeply miss my writing, yet I have some more work on this financial stuff to do. Time has been flying, truly flying. The last thing I remember, it was 2003. Now, it’s almost 2012. I feel badly when/if I’m in a relationship, and I have to put the person “on the shelf” while I work. It’s not fair to the other person, and I’ve not met anyone who can handle the freedom of schedule I require. Then, there’s the new relationship with my brother — wintering in the desert with him and his wife down here. It would change the nature of things so drastically to have another person in the mix. While thre are things I miss sometimes about a relationship, there are more things that I’m grateful for that I don’t have to deal with right now. I know we can’t “catch up” in life — we are where we are, right now. And will be, each day. But maybe when I feel like I have the screenplay thing under my belt — write and sell a couple. But, by then I may be 113 years old, and not sure if I’ll get a lot of requests for dates …. Seriously, one weekend when I was in bed recuperating from my spinal implant surgery, LTM devoted the weekend to “falling in love online.” Movie after movie. So I start thinking, “Maybe my priorities have been wrong. Maybe I need love too, a little, like a cactus needs a little water now and then.” So I go to this online dating site — the one that guarantees a harmonious match. I take all the tests, answering honestly. My heart’s open, and I’m sobbing, thinking, “What have I cheated myself out of? Why have I been so closed?” I turn in the test. The response? “We’re sorry, but because of your individuality and needs, we don’t see ourselves having any matches for you. We can’t take you on as a client.” All I could do was laugh. I’d been on the right track, after all. It took me many years to understand that I don’t have to live my life the same as other people do. There is a price to pay for our choices, and we need to be certain we’re willing to pay that price. That way, we’re not victims of ourselves and our actions. But for now, it would be so crazy-making to have a relationship (romantic) in my life. Throughout the years, I’ve had many unique, interesting, fantabulous in many ways loves. But for right now, it’s not in the cards or the stars — and it’s not my choice. Maybe when I’m 104? Who knows. Things could change in a couple years …. or not. Living life in the moment means that all I have now is, NOW. It’s my job to be fully present for myself, others, circumstances … and the old “First things first.” What comes first right now is getting this blasted paperwork done, some exercising, working with a new financial manager, doing a good job on this “book of money” so my paperwork is in order, and trying hard not to wait for tomorrow, but to embrace each moment as it comes. When I’m there, there is no impatience, no lack — sometimes emotions. But those all come to pass. I do feel badly that I’ve neglected my websites more than I want to, but there’s only just so much of me to go around, and dealing with this financial “swindling” (as the Court calls it), has taken almost all of what I have to give. I can’t say I’ll be happy when I’m done, because if I cannot be at peace now, with what is, then likely I won’t be at peace tomorrow — because tomorrow never comes. May you all have a blessed Holiday season — no matter what your beliefs. Whatever you’re going through, remember that a holiday is only one 24-hour period. We can spend every day learning to love others, giving that which we freely choose to give, not out of obligation, but out of altruistic love. May we end this year and enter 2012 leaving the resentments and grudges from 2011 where they belong — in 2011 — and entering the new year with a clean slate, an open heart, and a willingness to be present for whatever comes. (Well, almost everything and don’t forget to duck.) We can learn to go around trouble whenever it comes, and choose a different path. All of you on these sites have found a place in my heart. You’ve become an important part of my life. I learn from you. When my faith sags, you build me up. And by allowing me to be of service to you, you continue to help me save and improve my own life. Much love, Melody
Wow! I feel like I’m hogging this blog, but I just have to comment on YES!! I so identify with all that you said. In my last relationship I met a guy who loved to go to the museum, the ballet, and all sorts of cultural events. I was delighted, as most men you have to pull teeth to get them to want to go to places like that. But it soon turned into a forced march nightmare. We HAD to go…every evening and weekend. If I wanted to stay home or garden or just have space, it was met with abusive retaliation so that I was afraid NOT to go. I tried to explain that I needed space for creativity (I was into making mosaics at the time), but I was put down for that..that I was to “small town”. My spirit was beaten into a small ball. I started calling it ‘social badgering’. The outings became tourture. This went on for 10 years. As soon as I unloaded him, I wrote my book. NOW, after going through all the dysfunctional and co-dependent stuff at my last job, I am once again unable to write…I have a labyrinth poem due by the end of the month for spirit-renewal, but I am unmotivated. Each day I am spending time trying to get my joy back. Went to my coda meeting last night, and it helped enormously just being there. But yes…I too run on a different schedule than anyone else I know as far as needing that giant space/time to UNRAVEL and discover what needs to come through me to manifest. And I DO feel it would be unfair to someone to ask them to just go about their business until I am ready to re-connect. I am also dealing with that Fear that comes in that interferes with creativity…the fear that I am practicing once again turning over every day to HP about where I will be going next year for different work, as I am going to try to not have to return to the same job I have been at for the last insane 2 years. So, I am re-committed to my recovery right now, my creative pursuits, and my one 18 year old who is attending college right now, and needs some guidence in his life, and who got short changed because of my dysfunctional focusing as his parent while I was in these awful relationships. My friend Valerie Griggs is a song writer, and her songs so resonate for middle aged women. I asked her permission to include her lyrics at the very end of my book..which was a perfect ending to the “story”. Although the book is about a failed relationship, it is really about finding love that counts…and it is everywhere if we look. I’d love to share those lyrics here, because they say it all for me; “I left the worn path for settling down for deserts and forests to see how the holy is hiding all around. And I met the poets in love with the Spirit tireless pilgrims singing the body electric (A Walt Whitman Allusion) And I love so much and so well without having found the love of my life.”
Amen and ditto, Lisa. (Please make sure you have permission to quote the lyrics — copyright infringement on song lycrics is strict — let me know asap.) I have learned, through lesson after lesson, that the true and great love of my Life is something that comes through me, something I give — not something I get to fill up any emptiness and define who I am and my Life. That lesson alone has made all the difference in the world. It is the codependent’s ultimate quest. Later — and thanks for your participation in this site. It is much appreciated. Melody Beattie
Hi……………YES, no worries…I have permission from her to quote….It is on file with the book pulbisher, and we have a good relationship, and she is thrilled that I can use them. And, yes…I am glad you pointed that out in the above that the JOY of having something “channeled” through you to really manifest something productive to others is extremely fulfilling, if this is what you mean. BUT, when I do that, and it seems to fall dead, or not follow through to something I can “see”, I get discouraged. But that is just me wanting to see instant results….which is immature and partly self-serving. I need to keep reminding myself that at one point, God revealed to me once, that I am not my circumstances. That I am seperate and apart from what is going on around me…that we are all unique and loved by the powers that be, no matter what is going on, “good or bad”, is not who I am. When I make a resume, or statements on my facebook…”I am this, or I am that”, it seems to look two dimensional or something. It kind of gives a glimpse to where my intentions or interests lie, but it is not “me”. Also, when I was studying acupuncture…I could see and understand, that we are a chosen ‘channel’. The healing is not coming FROM us, it is coming THRU us and the patient’s willingness to want to get well…if this makes sense to you. I think this is what you mean. If not, please point out what I’m missing here. Lisa OH, and I’m happy you don’t feel I”m being a blog hog. LOL!
Hi again, Lisa. Yes, you are grasping my meaning. It’s really the same lesson we all face time after time — do the work for the sake of the work, not for the outcome (although of course we enjoy good outcomes); be the love we want to receive — instead of wanting to “suck the soul” out of someone to fill up our emptiness, be present for the person we’re with, and be a channel or source of love for and to them (but do not consistently let ourselves be drained — because that’s codependent). It’s about choices, and choosing not to be victims. It’s about realizing our connection to our Higher Power, and that all good things come from that connection, the way water gets channeled to our homes through the pipe system. On another more material level, it’s easy for people to look at someone else and see only the successes and positive results they’ve achieved — when most people have experienced many failures for each success, and each enterprise has its own level of “success” measured in its own way. Maybe what we’re both talking about is giving up or releasing our judgments and dualistic thinking. It’s a challenging and stimulating conversation (at least for me; it may be putting others to sleep — I’m not sure). I do know that for much of my life I actively looked for love. When I stopped looking for it, and began being the love I wanted, well, let me give you a concrete example. My entire life, my mother wanted to be loved, even by her children. As we know, that creates a dysfunctional family system, when the mother wants the children to take care of her, and the mother has little or nothing to give to her children except for “wanting” — wanting something from them for herself. All my life, I wante my mom to love me. So we got in this pi#%ing contest — each wanting something from the other that the other one in’t have to give, and wanted to get, instead. When I discovered my mother suffering, being mistreated, starving, living in filth and dying from Alzheimer’s (she had refused my intervention a year earlier and no agencies would help), I had to let go. This time — I knew it was time to act and I could feel that all the powers in the Universe would help. There’s a feeling when we’re on track. Instead of ordering her around (go to the hospital, let me set up help, or I’m going to do this or that). I began to treat her with deep respect. I began to ask. And somewhere in all of what was going on — the court hearings, etc. — I made a decision that before my mother left this earth, I wanted her to know what it felt like to be completely, absolutely, and genuinely loved. I let go of any sense of being burdened by caring for her, and let what I did — everything I did — be a genuine act of joyfulness and love. She thrived under this. The day she held me, and nurtured me — for the first time in my entire life — I realized that by me being the love I wanted to get, I was getting what i wanted. The difference was, I wasn’t searching desperately for it now; I was focusing only on what was within the realm of my control. It was about more than WHAT I did — it was HOW and WHY I did what I did — and now I was doing it with love and joy. It blessed me 1,000-fold. She looked more beautiful than she ever had. It wasn’t me. It was “love” coming through the water-pipes — my connection to a Higher Power, the source of all altruistic love. I was allowing God to use me as He saw fit. So very different from caretaking and codependency, my acts now brought me joy — not because of results, but because I was present for, and found fulfillment in, each act and thing I did. It’s hard to explain it completely clearly, but it was what I’d longed for all my life. Only, I had stopped looking for it and instead, chose to give her what she’d been looking for instead. In the end, we both won, and we both got what we wanted. I was actually going to leave Malibu and move into the small town of Mora Minnesota to live with her so she wouldn’t have to go into a nursing home. I was all packed; that night I got the phone call that she had a brain bleed-out — fatal — no hope — she was as good as dead. I aws sad I didn’t get to go live with her as I looked forward to it and in the past it was something I vowed I’d never do again — live under the same roof as her. it really brought healing and closure to our relationship, by me becoming the love i wanted. That’s why I said it would have been so different if a relationship had been in the middle. I had such a difficult time being around her in the beginning, I would have paid the person to take care of her so I could avoid taking care of her myself. Instead, she and I laughed together, cried together. She let me nurture her and she nurtured and loved me. By giving of myself based on a healthy decision, I got what I wanted by giving love to another person, love given as part of caring for and loving myself — and listening to my inner voice. Do the work for the sake of the work, not the outcome, I’ve learned. That’s a hard one. Love by being present for another instead of worrying about hwere the relationship is or isn’t going — another hard one too. how do we balance all this with not being codependent? it’s an inside job and we do it by being clear on why we’re doing what we’re doing, on being honest and true to ourselves. Yup, you understood me right, I think, Lisa. Things don’t always work out, and usually others aren’t as happy as we think they are. It’s better not to compare ourselves to how we think other people feel, because whether we know it or not, we’re normal. and we’re absolutely perfect — just as we are — for right now. And yes, it’s alawys a lesson — we just don’t know what it is (the lesson) unless we’re looking at the experience later, in retrospect because if we knew, we’d just mess it up by trying to control it. but that’s normal and human too. (Now I’m being the blog-hog.) I haven’t really been blogging much, so maybe it’s okay that I’m making longer comments. I miss my blogs — Living in the Mystery. I miss writing. But a lot of foundation-laying is going on, taking care of my assets, watching my investments, getting things in order so I can really let go and soar with the angels while I write. Later, Melody Beattie (I didn’t edit this, so pardon all my typos and mistakes.)
Oh yes..and I think you will like this…at our Coda meeting…topic night…I took the liberty of typing the index in the back of your book of each topic and page of The Language of Letting Go…the first book..and cutting them out and putting them in a heart shaped box, and we pick one topic out of the box and read from your book and discuss it..or if someone wants to talk on something else they, of course can, but that rarely happens. Also, the Language of Letting Go, II is a God send also. Reason being…I bought the book..and I was like..hmmmm…couldn’t really resonate to it until I grew in the program. AND, not just me..others had the same experience. I use that book, still, and I realized yesterday, that what we have been talking about a few blogs back co-incides wth what you have written in The Language of Letting Go,part II (The MORE of the Language of Letting Go.) How you ever wrote these books, is proof of the Channel we are talking about, I believe. The books are so AWESOMELY RIGHT ON. Please, keep using your gift. Also, I know you lost your son awhile back, which I know seems like yesterday. I kept trying to avoid mentioning MY son, because of the loss of yours, which is stupid, really. It is stupid, really, because I know you feel it all the time, especially now around the holidays. AND, it makes me appreciate my motherhood all the more, because most parents have that dread in the back of their mind…THE CALL…the call we all dread that can happen to any one of us. I just finished speaking the other day to a best friend of mine, we were friends from age 14 and 15, and she lost her son to diabetes at the age of 24. She, of all people I know, did not deserve that. She and I had lost contact over the last 10 years…my fault…and we reconnected and I opened the conversation about her child, Ben. So sad and undeserving. But, she is so strong, and knows that Ben would not want her to not succeed and live her life because of his death. She is an amazing person…no kidding…Her son scored 2nd best on his SAT’s in the USA COUNTRY!…and was a genious, but she rarely even makes to much of a note of that. Instead, she speaks of his core, his “egg”, his center, of what a loving and good person he was. Of course. It is usually the “good ones” that get taken for some reason……..BUT, these incidences remind us to keep sacred the small and the little moments….for today is all we DO have. Even just the moment. I am VERY sorry for your loss of Shane. But, I am glad you kept going….as hard as it is sometimes…and to still thank God for your life……….has to be the hardest thing. I cannot completely identify…but I want you to have my condolence and gratitude anyway. Lisa
Lisa, you have a sweet heart, a good soul, an open mind, and I can feel your dedication to growth. I genuinely appreciate having you on this site, in my life, and in my heart. No need to ever avoid talking about Shane; our relationship is in a changed form. Sometimes it hurts like hell — other times I’ve made a semblance of peace with what’s taken place — although I may never understand why it needed to happen. He was such a light — an old soul. I was doing a book-signing in Stillwater, the last town where we lived as a family. The most adorable little girl with big brown glasses and searching eyes stood in line. When it was her turn, she said quietly, “Mrs. Beattie, I don’t have a book. I came today to tell you that in school, I had gotten really sad. My mom was sad because my dad was away in the gulf war and my grandma had died. So my mom laid in bed every day and cried. Shane knew what was going on in my life, so every day at lunch time, he read me a story and made me laugh. Mrs Beattie,” she said, “I miss Shane too.” What a doll. What a sweetheart to take time out of her life to come and tell me that. Sometimes tears are healing and good. Thanks again, Lisa. I’ve enjoyed our convesations today. May 2012 be a fantastic year of fantastic moments bringing you your heart’s desires. Melody
That is a wonderful story about your mom, and your son. Today, I am out the door to go and help out my 96 year old friend. And you are right….when I back off and just let her do what she’s been doing her whole life, and not cringe when she insists on heating up a can of soup in the microwave without adding water or milk, and I give her respect as my elder, our relationship can be very rewarding. When I was trying to controll her health decisions, she would become angry and I would come home drained and wiped out every time. Also, I used to think that being “strong” meant either trying to master or endure everything. Now I realized that we grow into stregnth as we work on ourselves and become more aware of who we are and become more confident in handleing life on life’s terms in a healthy way. I am hoping that if it comes to the time where I choose to take care of my mom in her old age…which looks to be sooner rather than later, that I can maybe have the same type of closure with her as you did with your mom. My mother is difficult to say the least, and my family had become perfect eggshell walkers. Again, I couldn’ t do anything to change her….just honor my limits and boundaries. SO, today is a very nice sunny and WARM day here on Long Island……and I did some stuff this morning outside that brought me joy…I am choosing to do three things per day right now that make me happy until I can get back into balance again after the roller coaster ride these past two years. I always say,, “Happiness is not a luxury…it is a responsibility”. How else can I be a channel if I am always miserable. Choices, Choices……..and as far as punctuation, etc…I happen to be a horrible speller! Enjoy today…….LIsa
I trust everyone made it through the holiday, and one more to go. 2012 will be a “new start” so to speak. I realize I really “veered away” in my last comment to address the most important thing said there, your relationship with your son….and that you have been amaziningly courageous in your walk and your sharing. When there is pain present, pain that I don’t know how to “fix”, I usually “veer away” until I can address it somehow and remind myself that I can be a support, but I am not called to “fix” it, nor can I! I am busy at this point at addressing more “wreckage from the past”, and have been putting off confronting things that are VERY scary to me. I’ve been “swallowing it” for 11 years, and just don’t want to deal…but it keeps coming into my conciousness, and each time it is heavier and heavier. I need to turn around and face it and clean it up. SO, I made a huge effort to start the ball rolling today. So much anxiety, I can barely breathe. And I am also very dramatic and can build mountains where none exist. So, please, all, wish me ‘luck’. Hope to hear from everyone in 2012. Lisa
Hi Lisa. I have watched your courage in action, a step, a day, a moment at a time. I have listened to and heard your acute self-awareness. Just because we’re afraid doesn’t we mean we’re not brave. You are. You are courage in action. I know (not think, guess, or wish) that you will be successful on these next steps, the big ones you’re taking on your journey. We are hear, next to and behind you, to hold you up, should you humanly and for a moment, falter. This is iwhat, I believe, the past months have been leading up to and preparing you for. You have all the tools in your backpack. You’ve integrated informatioin from being in your head to action. What I’m saying is, “You go, girl.” We’re with you in spirit and words. I’m about to take a huge leap that’s been coming, too. Just when I thought I’d killed all the lions, another one attacked me. I’m going public with my plans and action Tuesday (Jan 2) at 5:00 Pacific Time. Can I ask anyone who’s benefitted from my work, especially with Language of Letting Go, to support me? Not financially — I won’t take but a moment of your time. But if you could check in here Tuesday evening and if you feel so inclined, be there for me — I’d appreciate your support too. Haven’t asked much of anyone throughout the years; this time I truly need your support. I’ll be stepping out not just for myself, but for a large group of people — on all our behalfs an for our well-being. Here’s to 2012 — a time of HUGE CHANGE and putting what we’ve learned an thought about into ACTION. Happy New year? I hope so. It certainly will be a time of testing of what we’ve learned.
I am flying out the door shortly………but want to respond before I go…….THANK YOU for all you said to me! It makes a world of difference. This is what is nice about this blog…consistent support. Yes, I’ll be glad to be here for you…only thing is Tues.is the 3rd not the 2nd. Monday is the 2nd. Monday I have my writers group (we meet monthly) at 7-9 eastern time. Then I’ll be home. Let me know what day. Lisa
TO LISA AND ANYONE ELSE WHO FEELS THEY’VE BEEN HELPED BY LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO: Thanks for the correction, Lisa. I’m talking about next Tuesday, and when you get home from Writer’s Group is just fine. Actually, I would appreciate it if you would email me at MelodyLBeattie@msn.com sometime between now and then, as I’d like you to have this information before you go to your group. You may feel so inclined as to share it with group members, and I’d appreciate it enormously. So it’s Tuesday — when the holidays are officially ended — just a minute; I need to check something. …. it is Tuesday, January 3, 2012. If you could email me before that, I’d appreciate it — especially before attending your writer’s group. You may discover you aren’t just assisting me; you’re helping other writers too. (Which includes you and your group.) The decision of course is up to you; I’m asking not demanding. Have a good weekend. Life has been a buzzard lately, in that charming way it has of exploding in our laps. Best, Melody
Hi Melody I’ll be there. It all sounds amazing and very intriguing. Happy to support you anyway I can.
Hi, Melody…I emailed you my email address today…hopefully you have received it. Let me know if you have not. Lisa
Dear Melody, I will support you Tuesday, will be a pleasure to me. Love your books.
asja and Lisa — thanks. See you later tonight. I believe it’s time we find our voice and don’t stop until we’re heard. There’s not one solution for every situation — no one size fits all — sometimes Letting Go means feeling feelings, sometimes it means walking away; and other times in means standing up for ourselves when others just wish we’d go away. Best/mb
Hi, back from my W. group …. how is it going with everything? Lisa
Hello to anyone checking in because of my appeal to you. I’m still waiting to hear from the Publisher about what they’re going to (or not going to) do about Language of Letting Go and Codependent No More. Maybe before tomorrow night (Tuesday, January 3, 2012) you could think about one question: If you’ve benefitted from Language of Letting Go, do you think the publisher should pay the author less than fifty cents while keeping six times that much of the profit? I’m talking about the publisher sharing the profits it makes on all digital books with authors at least in line with the very bottom standards suggested by the free-lance writers union (NWU). I’ll only bring this issue up once, and I don’t want you feeling like your loyalties are torn. like children in a divorce. You have every right to think however you do. But if your thinking matches mine, please check in Tuesday evening and I will tell you a story and something small (but huge to me) that you can do to help. What I’m suggesting will also help keep e-books alive without raising their price. Hope to see a few of you here then and who knows, between now and then the publisher might decide on a different course of action. Thanks, Melody Beattie
Hi Melody, I will help you “what ever t takes”! Hold on Asja
Thanks for your support — and the support of any others who back me. I’ve not asked for much, but I do need support now (maybe). We’ll see what we’ll see. There are already emails in my inbox from the attorney and the publisher. This may be an interesting ride … or not. It’s definitely something other writers need to watch out for, and solidify about — before substandard royalties truly do become industry standard. Best — have a good one today, Melody Beatrtie. PS — I’ll keep everyone informed, either way.
To ASJA, Lisa, and any others responding to my call for support: I don’t know if you were praying for me today or what — but things went from a standstill to good faith and good will negotiations on both sides that are bringing us extremely close to common ground. I believe I will be treated with fairness, equity, and at least the bottom of Union standards. I became willing to give; so did the publisher. So, I’ll know more of the details next week but for now I’d have to say that everything is beautifully on track. It’s so important guys and gals to trust ourselves — the right move for one person may not be the right move for someone else. One way I’ve learned to tell if I’m on track is this: Does the action I’m taking drain or invigorate me? The actions or steps I’ve been taking are NOT draining at all and in fact invigorated me. I will keep you posted, but I wanted to let you know where things were at and I wanted to thank any of you who prayed for me or sent good thoughts. There is a power in prayer that’s a power unlike anything else. I could feel — literally feel the sense of being held up. So again, a special thanks to each of you and may you be blessed 100 fold for anything you sent my way. Everything just “turned around” and did it naturally and with grace. It’s still hard for me to ask, and harder yet for me to receive. And maybe it’s not okay for me to be so open, but I don’t consider myself an expert or teacher; I consider myself one of you — and it means I lot that I can turn to you in times of need. I can’t carry the persona of an expert (or a teacher with a pointer in one hand and a blackboard in the other — with hair in a French roll). It’s not me, and the only “roll” you’ll see around me is the Rolling Stones, with their Rock ‘n Roll from the sixties. Thanks for letting me be me. It’s my belief that by being who I am (not who I think you think I should be), that you’ll feel the freedom to be who you are and we can drop the superficialities. (What???) Anyway, thanks again. Back to the report for my CPA and then I have some new for you about a new site going up soon. Any of you taking care of elderly parents? Does someone you care about have dementia (Alzheimer’s or another disease that takes away the person we used to know)? Stay tuned for this new site. Or if you have friends in the position of having to decide whether to put a parent in a Nursing Home or whether to live with the parent(s) or let them live with you, I have a story to tell, some supporting information, and witrh a little luck an a lot of blessings, that blog and forum will be as fantastic as this one has become. (When I say this site is fantastic, I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about the great input, feedback and stories from each of you, because you’re the ones who make this site work.) Also, a special thanks to Chip for redecorating to celebrate the new year. I love the green he chose for the site. It reminds me of spring, new beginnings — and the joy that comes with real spiritual growth. Melody b
An apology: I’m squeezing every last bit I can get out of this current computer. I started the report on a template in here, so I hate to change computers midstream. But I have to almost get a hammer and pound on the “d” key — as well as the keys sticking when I type fast (or not going all the way through). So I apologize, but it seems that if I try to email my template (the financial report is going on 100 single spaced pages long), I lose the formatting of the template. So — I’ll be back to less typos and errors when I get the financials done. Can’t be soon enough for me. Just thought I’d let you know why my typing is so cruddy right now. I keep popping the “d” on and it keeps popping right back off — but I’ve got my money’s worth from this computer. It is time to let go (despite me becoming attached to my equipment) and move on to my Sony and Mac. Best … Melody
Job well done on your part! It is a shame that we sometimes have to stand and fight for what should be just coming to us as a matter of agreement or honor. But, it has begun to pay off for you. I “hear” in your writing that you have indeed become more energized and empowered. Thankfully, once this is on track, you can go back to concentrating on what you are meant to be doing which is creating. I am looking forward to this new blog. It is very much needed, in my opinion, as the baby boomers are all approaching that tail end of life all together, and there is going to be a great need in caregiving. It amazes me how some people are geared naturally to be able to enjoy and handle that job, and others just aren’t cut out for that. I am NOT a hands on caregiver, especially when it is going to come down to taking care of my mom, possibly, so this will be great. Also, I have my friend who will be 96 this year, in a few weeks, and I’ll be spending one day a week with her until I go back to work in the spring, and even one day is draining most of the time, I am sorry to say. So WRITE ON. Lisa
Sigh. Once again I have come to realize this morning that every single situation in my life is in transition again. I need to start making hard decissions on what goes and what stays, and what new paths I need to take as far as how much responibility is really mine to deal with, and what does my Higher Power really want me to do to serve at this point. I have lost my peace, which is never a good feeling. After Monday, I will finally have some time for myself and to meditate on these things. I call it ‘unraveling’. I have to streach out these things before me to have a good look, and to just let things fall away that no longer fit who I am in my growth process. I need to breathe, literally. For two years now, I have had so much distraction from my path. Tuesday of next week is the first day in two years that I might be able to have mental vacation time. Shall see where it will all lead. Lisa
Hi Lisa. Are you on the Miracle site? Listening to the confusion you’re expressing, the desire for direction, surrender, etc. — that might be the perfect place for you. If you’re already gone through the Make Miracles activity for 40 days, each problem you express above could be addressed in the ten-minute-a-day activity that goes along with Make Miracles in 40 days. Read some of the posts, if you want. People tend to become clear and focused (some in a short time). It also helps “clear out the emotional pipes.” Just a thought. I know you’ll find your way through this — just as you always do. Remember, also, that Life moves in cycles. It’s not about the “other shoe droping” — it’s more about cycling through high and then low points. You’re doing better than you think. Melody
Good Morning, Melody, I think. I don’t know where you are writing from this morning, because it’ only 6:39 on January 8, 2012 and I’m in the upper Mid-West, but I have to tell you, this is the first time I’ve been to your site as I just learned from listening to cd 3 of your “Making Miracles in Forty Days” cds in our truck with my children (3 and 10) last night that I can contact you through your website here – ! The funniest thing is, I used to be a Lisa “B” before I married my husband whom I recently discovered has been verbally abusing me for 23 years and an alcoholic for at least 10 of them, probably longer. I also discovered at Thanksgiving from the rest of the family-by-marriage that his brother is, and father was, the same way. (My children and I were returning from his funeral yesterday as we listened to the cd. My son is even more excited about the project after we heard, at that point, about it being adaptable to children, too – “aren’t virtual books GREAT?!” I knew what he meant. My heart was happy.) I started therapy shortly after our son was born when I discovered that the “last hurrah” I thought my husband was on when I was pregnant would stop when the baby came but hadn’t. I wanted to learn what I should or shouldn’t do to exacerbate the situation until he would see that he needed to get help. I went to Al-Anon meetings, I spoke with drug and alcohol counselors, priests (who, by the way, told me to leave him immediately if not sooner), doctors. I hoped and prayed and forgave and forgave and forgave for 10 years. During that period I started to seek answers as to why we couldn’t have a happy, healthy marriage and a happy, healthy family; there was some undercurrent there besides the alcohol. I “accidentally” got a new therapist (with a PhD this time) when my first one left the counseling clinic in my town. My new one is big on books and recommended yours immediately: “Co-dependent No More”. I couldn’t get my hands on that one but got “The New Co-Dependency” instead. I read it and was a more than a little miffed. I went back to her. “First of all, I don’t see me in here,” I said as I shook the book in her direction, “I see my husband!! And I took the tests at the end and I don’t have nor ever have had any of these problems with anyone else in my life, except my husband!! I have a great life, EXCEPT for MY HUSBAND!!” “That’s a pretty big “except”, she replied. “Yup, it is,” I admitted, more to myself than to her, as they say. “So whaddu I do?” I asked. “Here, read this,” as she handed me another book: “Should I Stay or Should I Go” by Patricia Evans. I read it with high hopes until I got to Chapter 10 where she states, “you can’t do this with an alcoholic” and basically goes on to qualify that with the reasons that they are the dregs of the earth, pieces of shit and should be left to their own demise. “Oh terrific,” I thought, “so much for that book. And why couldn’t she have put that part in the damn prologue?!” But before I threw it back to the library, I checked the bibliography; “might be another interesting read in there,” I thought. There was one about verbal abuse, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond”. Hmmm. I’ve often wondered if what he does is verbal abuse. I’ll check it out. I brought it home from a library in another town (didn’t want my local librarian to know there was trouble in our little paradise with my wonderful-heck-of-a-great-guy-generous-to-a-fault husband.) and said “oh my God” so much in bed that night while I read that my little 3 year-old girl came to me to ask what was wrong, Mommy. “Oh, just the book I’m reading.” “Read it to me, Mommy!” Well, it did have a rainbow colored cover. I discovered we were textbook verbal abuse. When I got to the chapter on The Anger Addict, it was my husband to a “T”. Shortly thereafter is when I discovered he was apparently raised in the same environment and he wasn’t even seeking help for the alcohol, how could I ever hope he would go for help for the verbal abuse. He is 64 years old; how long would it take him to change even if he wanted to or could, and how much more of my life was I willing to invest in what was probably too broken to fix anyway? Bottom line: November 2011: information overload (and this all while he was threatening to do all kinds of shit to me, including filing for divorce as his attorney, “the best in the state!! And I should know, I pay his bills!!” already had all the pertinent info. Basically he was telling me I was to live with him as-is or he would divorce me and leave me with nothing, not even the children and that he was going to “end it all” for himself (did that mean taking us with him?!) several times already. He is now worth 8 Million dollars, I only recently started receiving his social security, $400/month, same as my two children, I signed the pre-nup he handed me two days before our wedding, otherwise, I’ve been allowed to accrue nothing in 23 years, because he’ll take care of me and all this (with a grand sweep of his arm) will be mine when he dies anyway) Five of HIS friends suggested I needed to keep a gun for protection if I was going to continue to live in the house with the children while he lived up in the “Clubhouse/Office”/Man-Cave/Alcoholic’s Retreat. Classic, eh? And I have told no one but my therapist about any of what was going on all these years, out of deferenced to his friendships with “our” friends (who by the way, and according to him, all hate my guts and think he should divorce me) whom he’s been telling stories about me for years – ! I’ve since been told that he even cried for them over my three miscarriages. All I got from him, and this is after the 3rd one, was “I talked to a doctor, you know, and he said that half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.” That information supposedly came to him from an eye doctor he was building a clinic for at the time. Go figure. So I decided after five days of steadily having “WELL, I HELD OFF FILING YESTERDAY, BUT I’M FILING TODAY, AND I’M CHOPPING YOUR PHONE AND I’M CLOSING THE BANK ACCOUNT YOU STILL HAVE ACCESS TO AND I’M CANCELLING YOUR CREDIT CARD AND YOU CAN’T CHARGE GAS AT THE CORNER ANYMORE!!!!!” screamed at my voicemail all day long, and being threatend weekly with divorce for months, and monthly with divorce for years, I finally decided to take those threats away from him. I got a credit card, my own phone, which he apparently didn’t think I had enough brains or money to do, emptied the bank account of the $5000 before he did (I was nice enough to leave $1700 in there to cover any checks that might come through later – ! That’s the person I am), and filed for divorce. I walked into that courthouse with my little girl, waving those papers like a flag! “I’m Lisa O., and I surrender!!!!” Then I went to my parent’s with the children. Six days after I’d finally lost all hope, and before he returned any of his attorney’s calls telling him they’d accepted for service, his sister in another city called the cops on him. That is a whole ‘nother story. He eventually agreed to go for treatment. It took three grown men to drive him there. He stayed for a week after spending three days in detox. His father was dying (and has been for years, but this time for real) he hadn’t seen him but briefly a few times in the past any number of years even though he only lives a short distance away and the children and I go at least once every two weeks if not more, and he needed to go sit at his bedside. Besides, at his first AA meeting there they told him he shouldn’t hurt any one with his drinking, and he should make amends to those he may have. Lesson learned, he said. And he wants to send the children and I on a vacation. That was 10 days ago. Yesterday he had an N/A beer at the luncheon… My two points here are: isn’t it weird that I used to be a “Lisa B”, from grade school on, and upon discovering this blog for the first time, there’s a “Lisa B” right ahead of me? And secondly, in a few short months of discovering you for the first time ever, you have helped me to begin to “bounce back” from literally a-half-of-my-lifetime, 23 years, of abuse and several months of pure, pure, pure anguish, all while trying to raise and protect two children (I’ve lost 15 pounds, which anyone will tell you I didn’t have to lose; I’ve weighed 135 pounds for 30-some years, since sometime during high school and without having to try or worry about it, and half of my hair has fallen out, but my hairdresser, God Bless her, says I have so much, albeit baby-fine, hair on my head she didn’t even notice. I’m hoping it’s “all in my head.” and speaking of head, lived with a permanent head-ache, ended up in the emergency room with my 3-year old for signs of a heart attack/stroke with burst blood vessels in my right eye, ringing in my right ear and a weirdness on the right side of my body, and ended up in the emergency room with my 3 year-old, my 10-year old and one of his friends for a second-degree hot oil burn to my, of couse, right hand and wrist. Honestly, I could go on…I broke off a veneer on one of my front teeth yesterday before my father-in-laws funeral on a friggin’ waffle, of all things, at the hotel breakfast buffet: this was at 9 am and the buffet started at 6:30, I’m guessing it had been there the whole time and even with syrup, strawberries and whipped cream (Hey! I’m trying to gain weight for Pete’s sake!!
), when I bit into it my front teeth hit the hard corner that the syrup had missed just right enough to break the tooth right off, so I went to the funeral looking like a, well, you can imagine. I thought, well, good thing we’re going to a funeral, I won’t have to smile so much. I could still go on….but I won’t.) So to finish that second point, and to your latest life’s learning experience, as I have heard twice now from a wise woman I have recently discovered (if not yet met): if I can do it, so can you. God Bless you, Melody, I know I do. Thanks for the opportunity to tell my recent life’s story in a few short paragraphs and one helluva long blog. (It’s now 8:54 a.m. where I am. We’ll go to the late Mass…after waffles for breakfast 
)
Hi Lisa. Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes we need to tell it not just once, but over and over again as we process who and where we are in our lives. I so wish Codependent No More would have been available for you, as the New Codependency is for people who have already had some exposure to the subject. Did you know you can download books online without having a Kindle? (That’s just fyi as it’s an inexpensive way to get books, although I know some people prefer to hold them in their hands (the books). You’re off to a rip-roaring start with eveyrthing. You’ve taken some strong action steps in the face of adversity and threats. Please, please protect yourself. I’ve learned to take all threats of abuse seriously — from one I didn’t when I first began working as a therapist. As I tell people, I only have two rules – the rest is your journey and your decisions: don’t hurt anyone else and don’t hurt yourself (and that includes not letting anyone else hurt you or your children). You did well by escaping quietly, without a big pronouncement of your intentions. You acted wisely so far in everything you did. My real spiritual awakening with codependency — I can still remember the night it happened — I was obsessed with getting my hsuband on the phone (he was in Vegas but supposed to be home by now and I could feel in my gut he was drinking, which meant this was the end) — when suddenly I realized that while he was out of control and what he was doing was crazy, I had lost control of myself. The next day I began a journey of learning what it meant to stop focusing on him and start looking at myself. Later on, when we get clear, learningn to give, love and nurture in healthy ways is part of the journey. In the beginning it’s good to look at what our true responsibilities to ourselves and our children our. Keep up the good work. If you’re still in a small town, you can go to meetings online. The Steps are the ladder out–and they work if you work them, if we take the tiniest move towards them. My first meeting I dropped the rage I felt for all the years and started crying. The release of those emotions unblocked me, and my recovery from codependency started. There is a path laid out for you and there always will be — a good one. Remember, it’s really an inside job — two people can do the same behaviors; one is healthy, the other, not so much — it’s about why we’re doing what we’re doing more than who we’re with and what that person or we are doing gets us stuck in the rut of our codependent patterns. So many people get one of my books, and then they read it for “someone else” and wonder why the other person doesn’t get into recovery. That’s the number one litmus test to see if codependency could be a problem. But franly, I’m beginning to believe that underneath chemical dependency or codependency is a lot of unresolved grief that we’ve been stuck in for a long, long time. The important thing is to take care of yourself — and learn all the nuances of what that means, and learn to trust yourself about learning the lessons that Life is trying to show you Thanks for writing in, and please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. The support on the sites is great. We’re having a couple glitches getting some people signed in — but we just changed the template a couple days ago. Best, Melody Beattie.
Hi, just went over to that site and checked it out. I’ll buy the book…and give it a read. Always open to new stratagies for growing. And reading some of the entries sounds like what I need to be reading. Yes, I agree about the high and low cycles you mentioned above. I’ve had alot of lessons in patience these past two years, and always have lessons about having faith…basically faith in my ability to watch and listen for God’s Will. I feel like maybe I missed it, or I made a mistake somewhere and now nothing is happening..but again it is the patience, I guess. I will read the book. I sent you emails in answer to your publishing questions…hope you recieved them…sometimes I wonder about my email carrier. Thank you for your suggestions! Hope all is moving along for you in the positive still. Hey! My planet goes into Transit at the end of this month! Good luck, they say…lol!! Lisa
Hi Lisa. Some days I don’t do my emails — just because it takes me almost half a day and I’m trying so hard to get these other things done. I’ve got to find some sort of middle ground with the emails — I will not let anyone but me answer emails in my name. But some days I’ve got to skip them or I won’t get anything else done — which is a way of saying that for two days I didn’t do emails; today (or in the middle of the night — actuall 9:30 pm last night — I started looking at my emails from the past two days. I’ve still got at least two hours left before I’m done. I just got a strong feeling that the activity in the book may be exactly what you need — I hate pushing my books; I’ve never done it — but I try to say what I feel and talk straight from my heart. Also, check out the new blog on this site — at least the last half (a guest blog) for today — “Something to Think About.” It helps put things in perspective; at least it did for me. I’m reorganizing my strategy with the publisher, as many people like that app. The answer is in a recent ruling in Federal Court that said in all contracts regarding copyrights for intellectual property, the publisher and author split rights like I’m talking about (where the publisher receives a check for a derivative or copy of the work that someone else sells) on a 50/50 percent split. So that’s what I’m going for next. God, I need help with these emails. It’s so important to me to be in contact with my readers, but I swear I get over five hundred emails (not just from emails) but from a gazillion different places, some of them junk, everyday. Yet some are so important (you should see the grief club and the people’s stories today — they broke my heart), that I cannot ignore them. And no way will I let anyone else answer them in my name. If anyone who reads this comes up with an idea that actually works to reduce my time on emails to 45 minutes a day instead of 6 hours, I’ll give them free copies of any of my books (or a free copy of another author’s book) that they want. Again I think that “Miracle Max” — the name my webmaster gave to the site and the book. He can’t stand self-help books, but he loves this one. It was the scariest one of all of mine to write. Who am I to say what I know (or think I do) is the great writer’s question. The author of “On Writing Well” answered it in his book: Who are you not to say what you say, Zinzsner (sp) said. Sorry about the incorrect spelling of the author’s name but I don’t have the time to check it out. Let me know if you have any questions or if I can be of any help. I’m still about two hundred emails away from yours. /mb
I hear you. NO more emails from me. The blog is just fine. Yes, I am happy to buy your book. Sounds intreguing. I will give feedback when finished. After Valentine’s day, I will send you a GENTLE reminder that perhaps you would like to read my book and do a review for me…thank God the book is a fast read. AND, if you do not get around to doing that, I completely understand. I am in a good space in my life as far a my recovery, and no matter what happens, or does not happen, I know that things go on, and we can only do so much, and God has to really do the rest. Whatever is meant to happen with my book, will. I cannot control the market, even if I spend oodles of money on marketing, I can’t guarentee how many I will sell, so it is impossible for me to put a time limit on how long it will take me to make my money back. But it doesn’t matter, as I said the book is doing its job; helping people and that is really the top prioriety. Plus, I accomplished a dream…a dream of almost 50 years, and finally was able to get a book on a shelf. Whatever. Some people never get the recognition until hundreds of years after they are dead. So who am I to complain. I’ll let you know how it went with me and your book. Lisa
Oh! And tomorrow night is my Coda meeting…topic night for sure this time…and as I said, I typed all the entires from the index of Language of Letting Go, cut them all into strips, and we pick from the heart shaped box that I put them into, and then read out of your book what we picked, and then discuss. I’ll write here tomorrow night and tell you what it was, and for everyone who goes to Coda, they can appreciate the idea, I am sure. Lisa
Hi Lisa. I fully intend to review your book — I want to do that. It’s hard enough for writers to get reviews and part of that is my give-back. As to marketing your book, I know you want to get it out there, but writing is a job — it’s work. And writers deserve to get paid for their work. Re a business plan, knowing how many sales will pay back what you’ve put in will help you decide how much more money you want to spend. Helping others is good, but when it comes to career work — you should be making money and getting paid (otherwise you’ll give it up — after a while). I remember the day I was walking down the street. I’d been making about ten cents an hour for my work up until then. I was happy, doing what I wanted, but I had two kids to raise. I looked up at the sky and said, “God, if I don’t start making money from writing soon, I’m going to go to a nice restaurant and apply for a waitress job.” Shortly after, I began to make a decent living from my work from writing. Slowly I began to see that much of our income is about what we truly believe we deserve. Best, Melody
Ya know, it is so hard for me to get myself into perspective…the good or the bad. Like I had previously written above somewhere…the best thing that happened is that God showed me in one of his ‘revelation moments’ that I am not my circumstances. I AM a child of God, as is everyone, if you believe in that way, and I am cherished above imagination by my creator. However….my realism holds tension with my idealism. I always feel streatched in both directions, so this is why I need to take a breath..literally, and daydream for awhile, until I get the next prompting. God knows my needs, and He knows what my potentials are. I am willing to do with them what he asks me to. That is why I do what I do as far as acts of service and trying to use my own experiences to help others who are genuinely tring to find their way. But I need a beacon, also. And he sends me to them, or them to me. If I am meant to make it as a writer, He will inspire me, and tell me what is next to do. I am just walking…sometimes crying out…and sometimes ballng up, and sometimes jumping up and being caught up in a shineing experience. That is when I can have something to finally SAY. I can go on and on, obviously. I can talk about mountains flattening or building them where they need not exist. But I hear you…I need to understand my worth and ask for the circumstances to behold themselves. You were meant to do what you are doing..the doors opened. I am asking my HP for the same thing. SHOW ME, and I will follow. Most of the time. Sometimes my own fear and will gets in the way, but eventually, I’ll do what He is asking of me. Hopefully, it is writing. I will continue, hopefully. Like you said somewhere along the line…sometimes I love my book, other times I think it sucks. But I need to remember the feedback and hope I am helping and making a difference. DO what you love and the money will follow, they say, but there is alot of soul searching inbetween. AND THE WAITING. Teaches us patience and faith. Thanks. Lisa
Ok…ordered your Miracle book today! Should be here this week. I will take your suggestions about a website…need to research on line marketing like you said. Yuck. I hate doing all this stuff, initially, but I get into it once I start. I like what you said about deligating tasks, but can’t deligate responsibility. AND, the next book, I’ll start looking into publishers. I like Seal press..they are good with womens writing. They weren’t accepting any manuscripts at the time I was looking for Love in the Gardens, but I didn’t really keep looking. Coda topic tonight was picked out of the Language of Letting Go.. Balance, April 30. Made for a good meeting. Lots of new comers again. I sold one of my books tonight at the meeting…gas money. We had a group conscious vote about keeping my book around since it is not approved coda literature. But I only keep two there at a time. Everyone was good about that. I’m glad I did sell one. I was beginning to feel “less than”. Like I said, I have trouble keeping myself in perspective. Luv you much….later….Lisa
So exciting. I emailed three of my geek girlfriends who are computer heads, and they all got back to me today with suggestions and offers of help. This is good for me, as I RARELY EVER ask for help. If feels good to know that there are people standing by that are more than willing to be there for you. 7 years ago, this wouldn’t have been the case. These women that offered help are “sober” and healthy…and by sober I mean “normies”, and are quite dynamic. It makes me feel good to know that I could hold my own with relationships with women such as these. I have traveled in the circles of crack, the circles of group therapy, and the circle’s of every screwed up person you can imagine. There were gems of dynamic women in all of those people, too, but we were all just riddled with addiction and trying to survive in the gross underbelly of society. So, it is always still a shock to me when I am accepted and supported by the population that never had to endure jail and all that other stuff down-under. That is where my codependency had lead me, as I was one of those people that used “powerful addictions to cope with my codependency”. Yep, it was the root cause alright, of my decent into hell. So, hopefully, by the time the winter is out, I’ll be up and running with a webpage. AND THANK YOU for your encouragement and support, also. Couldn’t have done it without the good shaking and talking to you gave me. Later. Lisa
Wanted to comment on Lisa O’s entry. I, too, lost my hair with all that abuse crap. For years I tried to put up with it grownig back and falling out again, over and over. I finally just went to a hair systems place, shaved off what was there and ordered a customized system that I can wear permanently. I can shower, swim, whatever, with it. Never have a bad hair day. Every 6 weeks I go in and have it re-applied. Like I always say…make lemon aide with the lemons. I had a ton of other health issues because of the abuse, and eventually relapsed. I finally got it together, though, and realized I was a big part of the problem by staying there. But, we feel alot of the time that we “have no choice”. But when I finally got away from sick relationships, then I could focus on me, and change my thinking and my life. You sound like a winner. There IS life beyond relationships. The most important relationship for me is with my Higher Power. He is my sourse, no one else. Best of luck to you. Write back LisaB
Ouch! Been getting some hard lessons in these last two weeks about pride and arrogance. Mine and other peoples. I never really saw my own pridefull attiutdes before as I am learning them now. As I have learned, pride has roots in codependency and addictive behavior. Fear, lowerd self-esteem, etc. I really can get on the soap box at times, and need to be more mindful. My pride clashed with someone else’s pride, and it was a fight to the finish. This went back and fourth for two heated weeks and alot was at stake. But the beauty of the program lessons and spiritual growth made it possible to live through this incident,and grow through this experience and thank God, cause many eyes were on us, awaiting the outcome. I am proud of myself in a healthy way for working it toward the positive, and the same for my sparing partner. It is amazing what we can do with the tools of recovery.
Hi, Lisa. Plowing through everything, I decided to just keep going and let things go for a while. It helped me accomplish a lot in the financial area-organization of my life — but in the process, I ignored the websites. I also knew Chip was working at reorganizing them. I’m excited to see how it works out. Pride .. it’s a strange thing how the uhiverse balances that out in our lives. Whever I judge, whever I do anything that has the slightest hint of arroganze, I immediately pay the price. I watch the lesson unveil before my eyes. It’s easy to get hooked into all the games with people — and feel justified (and we may be — but if we’ve committed to walking the spiritual path, our judgmentalism and/or pride will come back and bite us in the … bakc. It’s good to be back again; just now finding my way around the new sites. BTW, would you please send me that book? I’d like to get the review up for Valentine’s Day, as I said I would. Melody
Hi, Melody! Congrats on getting all that stuff with the financials accomplished! I am staring at my own tax pile as we speak and am getting ready to do them this week. YUCK, oh how I hate all the forms! Going to Kathies “one more time” today to put the correct privacy policy on my website…and a ‘badge’ to tell me my page ranking. The site comes up on Yahoo easily enough, but google only has the blog and contact page so far. Anyway….I’d love to send you the book, but I’d have to know where to send it…I’d need you to email me your mailing address…but I think you said you’d rather do it kindle or ebook. Again, I am hopping my publisher has finally made all the corrections and they will go to Amazon, et al., it has been 9 months already trying to get that done! My original manuscript is published on http://www.healingebooks.com if you’d rather read that one. I will purchase it for you and forward it to your email if you want. Just tell me how you would like to recieve it. The title again is Love in the Gardens of Macantar. I SOOOOO appreciate your generous help with this! I need a break, trust me on that. At least, I think I do. I think you will enjoy the read…only 100 pages and holds your attention, so I am told. Let me know how you’d like to proceed and how I can help.
Kathy’s…not Kathies…lol
Ok…….the site is finished for now. I could only do up to six pages with ipage. Would have liked to have 10 but can’t do it. Just let me know what form you would like me to send the book to you and I’ll get right on that………
Ok…sent what you need Via Gift Certificate. Following up on here, in case it just looks like an Ad when you recieve it via email.. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…now I know about foot work and having done all you can…and just let it be. On this leg of the journey, anyway. I just can’t tell you how much I’ve been through on just this one book. How you’ve managed to do all you have with as many books as you have written is mind boggling to me at this point. However, I am still working on and forming Weaving Straw and Diamonds, and am very enlivened to see where this mold is going to go. I am now going to give YOUR book my full attention, also…Make Miracles in 40 days….and see how this goes. I love how the word Mira…is Mirror. No, not original, I know, but hey, I saw it on my own!! Lets all roll along in 2012. What choice have we but to roll forward with the planet and the rest of us inhabitants? Lisa
I remember how excited I used to get on Valentine’s Day when I was younger…meaning Kindergarden through age 45. Then it stopped. Valentine’s Day has taken on a new meaning, and all you younger peeps with great partners, party on and enjoy the gifts…us older folks, or some of us without partners, please lets enjoy LIFE and the spiritual gifts, that are just so abundant when we really look. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO EVERYONE, AND TO ALL, A GREAT LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH WHOMEVER AND WHATEVER. PEACE. Lisa
My friend Monique recently pioneered a move to Georgia last month with only a few dollars in the pocket and her trusted friend/dog Argus. Today, I recieved an email from Monique that Argus, her beloved companion, was hit and killed. Without means to bury him, a sanitation truck came and took him away, as she just stood and watched. Her question was, “Why would God take my only companion in this way?” She is devestated and anguished. After reading her email, and responding, I went to Service tonight…Good Friday. It was a bit different…done theatrically. They spoke of murder. Jesus was murdered by a crowd, as his mother watched and saw her only son suffer for six hours on the cross. At the end of the service, they announced names of people that were murdered and rang a bell three times after the announcing of their names. One by rape and strangulation, one by shooting, one by suicide, one by stabbing and beating by a racial crowd, and a few more. There was a poem read..”The Mask” read in the body of the Service by a famous poet that was also murdered. Why, oh why, do these trageties in life happen? The emotional pain caused by the loss of a pet, to the loss of a child, to a parent, a spouse…sometimes can hurt so much emotionally, that we hurt physically, too. Someone may as well be laying hot coals on us. I haven’t an answer to this; but I do know that Jesus’s suffering lead to our salvation for 2000 years. Seemingly sensless deaths have lead to revolutions…to changing of laws…to huge charities…to higher awareness. Like everything, it is what we want to eventually make of it. We can render it ‘sensless’..or we can try to raise awareness and conciousness through it, when we are ready to, for the world, or just ourselves. To anyone going through the shock horror, or deep grief of loss, may God be with you and help you to find comfort. Amen
That’s why I call it (my blog) “Living in the Mystery.” There are some questions I won’t get answered until I get to the other side, andy I need to learn to be comfortable with not knowing the why’s. Usually, when people ask “why” what they’re saying is, “This hurts; it devastates me.” But sometimes they do want to know why and nI’m not sure there is always a reason. It’s more about “how are we going to handle it?” Of all the thing sI despise in life, meanness is the thing I hate worst — and those acts you’re speaking of: rape, murder, etc. are the ultimate acts of meanness toward another person. Sometimes in the past few days though, I began to wonder if the person wasn’t just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and was the “next one in line.” But that I mean, sometimes angst and pain and rage build up in people, and all it takes is one more thing, and they go off — they go off on whoever is closest. But that’s not comforting nor reassuring. Did you know that some states have a charity that helps pay for funerals when people don’t have enough money? I don’t know which states (although New Mexico is one) — maybe Arizona. The things that happen are so tragic, feel so random, and are an expression of such violent rage. I don’t know where it all comes from. This is to the person who read the story about the woman who lost her children, and then felt badly about feeling her own pain and resentments: We can’t measure or compare pain. It’s pain, and it hurts. Although sometimes it does help me to realize that “it could have been worse.” It’s so important not to just feel our “happy” feelings, but to feel all of them, and trudge our way through resentments (without reverting to denial) and anything else going on with us. If we don’t, we’ll for sure get stuck. (I’m finding emails in my in box but can’t find them on the site — so I’m responding this way. Sorry. Melody
To the person who wanted to know about the book I referred to in Lessons of Love, when we cannot take it anymore or suffer from suicidal ideation: That book is called “A REason to LIve.” I edited it and wrote about half of it. I’ve received requests to bring it back out — it’s one of the only two books (iknowck o wood and thank God) that have gone out of print since I began writing in 1979. Both were published by Tyndale. I think I’m going to bring at least parts of it out. I’m planning on putting up a new MelodyBeattie.info site — and that’s exactly what it will be: information. There will be pamphlets on certain things I want to write briefly about; the tape or audio book “Lighting the Path” that I want to re-record, and other informative works. But it will be a while until I get it up and running. Best, Melody Oh, someone asked about seeing the cards based on Language of Letting Go and published by Hay House. Somewhere on the dot com site are pictures of some of the cards, plus if you go to the Hay House site or Amazon, you should be able to see pictures of the cards. I think the artist did a fantastic job. Best, Melody